Just Keep Walking

Today I went to church. I sat where my son told me.  Then, I realized....my ex was in choir today.  He came in all smiley and all...then he saw me and I don't think he smiled again.  I had a few panic attacks.  Literally.  Shakes.  Cold.  But I chose.  Sing.  Stand.  Be FEARLESS.  A woman sat across the aisle who has had marriage struggles...she can barely look at me now, but today she did make an effort to say hello...but when she asked how I was, she felt really awkward.  I would have laughed, but that would not have been considerate.  She wasn't awkward because she asked but rather because I said that I was very well thank you.  That was not her favorite answer, I could see very well.  But, I didn't apologize..just let her wander away.  Then there was this other woman and I know her story with her husband...they almost didn't make it. They are a really nice couple.  I love what God did in their lives. Yet, she turned around and nearly ran into me...someone I've known for a long time...and she mumbled hi and then said, "pretty necklace," and walked away.  There was one precious soul who took time to talk to me.  Even asked me to pray for another.  What a gift...someone assuming that I still pray and even more...thinking that God might actually still be listening or speaking to me.  Made me feel teary.  Then, after that I stood.  All alone.  Waiting for my kids to finish.  It was long.  And nobody spoke to me.  And if I said hi as they were heading for the door...if I smiled, they ducked their heads and walked on quickly as if they were in a sudden hurry to get out to the parking lot.  And to be truthful,it hurt.  But also, at least it was real.  At least it wasn't fake.  At least they weren't talking to me and hearing that I was "fine" and not knowing anything about my life or walk.  At least I didn't have that deep alone feeling.  There I was..right there..in the middle of everything...like I was wearing the scarlet D.  Yes, painful.  And yet.....I'm so very happy still.  I came home happy.  I was with the kids and happy.  I cooked.  I did laundry.  Happy.  Real.
One person saw me.  Actually saw me.  Or, maybe she's just being nice because she's "on staff".  I don't know really.  I only know how it made me feel.  A bit less invisible. A bit like God could have a purpose for me.  Still.  Even if.  And maybe not only if I.....go back, fake it, make it work, lie to make it look good, play the game.  But that is the tradition.  Fake it.  Really, people at church don't want to know how life really is and they don't want to share how theirs is.  There is a predetermined way a "christian" marriage should look and they will be damned to have anyone alter that perception.

  Thing is...marriages aren't christian...people are christian...actions aren't christian...people are christian.  Marriages can be two christian people doing marriage in a christ like way.  Actions can be done in a Christ like way.  But the actions nor the marriage MAKE the people christians.  That is Christ in the people...the hope of glory...not by what the people do or how they look or how pretty their lives seem...but because He is real and comes to us in realness.  The greatest lie we can tell ourselves is that we need to look good.  I should know....I thought that I was doing the christian thing to do whatever it took...to make it work....to only say the nice things about him....to look good by working extra hard to take up the slack....to not show my hurt, pain or disappointment...to hide my deep need for something to comfort me...to make do.  I was wrong. 

 It wasn't good.  It wasn't healthy.  It was destructive.  It was unkind.  It was painful.  My ex is still codependent with his birth family is my guess....can't make anyone else feel important.  It goes against everything he is.  He is about him.  He is about rules that he has and they all revolve around him and his comfort.  The thing is that he can be so charming.  I sat and looked at him today...seeing as how he was right there singing in the choir...and I was so sad for him.  But so happy for me.  Even though he still hurts me.  In reality....he has hurt himself most of all.  He made choices that ended where I said that they would years ago.  That there's only so much holding on that people can do...and then something has to give.  I gave all I had.  I prayed to give more.  And more.  But all of those people avoiding looking at me in church only see my failure.  They don't see me.  They don't see how wounded I was....am...nor how I am healing.  I wish that I could change that.  I pray that God will find a way to use my crazy messed up story.
I just have to keep on walking.  Keep on going.

blessings.