Hi Dear

I went to a church event tonight.  My ex sang a couple of the songs in a variety show.  But, I wanted to go because a friend was the "star" of the show, a young lady I adore was playing piano, and my sweet friend was showing her art wares.  So, I fearlessly went.  Ha.  With some fear and trembling.  But, actually, I was doing pretty well.  Until intermission.  When my ex and I nearly bumped into one another and he said, "hi dear."  I had smiled...albeit not very genuinely....mostly out of the simple desire to smooth things over and get away.  But, I was appalled.  When we were still married, I had asked him to quit calling me dear.  He used it.  He wouldn't call me by my name.  It didn't mean dear.  It was hurtful.  I went on to the bathroom.  I went back into the auditorium.  He got up to sing.  A song about friends.  When you're down and troubled....and you need a helping hand....blah blah blah.  I literally wanted to shout, "you are a lousy friend!"  You are fake and I can't believe you are up there singing that.  With your wedding ring on to boot!  AAAArrrrrggggghhhhh.  I was stressed.  My heart pounded.  Palpitated.  I felt cold.  I walked out.  I went to the car.  I pulled myself together to go back inside, but not back into the auditorium.  I waited.  I listened. Then, it was over.  But, not really.  Because the mingling was still going on.  The looking at the art.  And he planted himself in the middle of it all.  blech.
I went out to dinner with friends and kids.  I bought wine.  I am drinking alone. Hahahahhaa.  Probably not considered fine form.  But, it feels pretty damn good right now.  Not drunk.  Not even close.  Not buzzed.  Just simply relaxing and thinking that he is quite a jerk.
How dare he.  No clue.  But he certainly has no caring towards me.  Only for him.  For how he looks.  I am amazed by his lack of empathy.  For me.  For his kids.
But now, he fakes it with his daughter.  Affection as she sings in choir.  Acting like dad of the year.  Nobody knows that he rarely sees her.  Crazy  Nor that I begged him forever to be affectionate with her.  But he would not.  Now though....it's the big show.  Wow.
So tired of the falseness.  I just wish he'd quit pretending that he's still married.  Really.
Ok, gonna watch a show and try to veg out.  Try.  I'm feeling wounded.  Again.
blessings.