Reaching Out

You know how it is to reach out?  How getting out of your comfort zone is hard?  Me too.  I reached out this last week to a woman who is teaching some classes.  I felt that maybe I should take one of them but wasn't sure when they were happening.  I emailed to ask because when they had been announced, we were told that if we were interested, we should email that we were interested and why.  But first, I needed to know when they were going to be...as I work.  I got an email back about day on one of the classes, but not what months or time of year.  So, I asked for clarification and didn't hear back.  It's too bad really.  It's hard for me to reach out.  Especially at church things.  And too bad because it was one of the first times in a long time that it seemed like something I was supposed to be doing.
There are limited slots.  I don't know that my reasons would have been good enough anyway...for wanting to take the classes.  But it was still hard.  I guess I see some women are priorities.  Some women are the front people.  The go tos.  Some women have what it takes to make a difference and be included in that world of church.  Once upon a time, if I'd stayed married, if they had thought that things were ok, maybe I would have been one of those women.
Not viewed as the prayer warrior that I can be.  Not seen as a teacher.  Not heard.  No voice.  Not at church.
That's really too bad.  Some things just are.  And learning what they are is the battle.  How I respond, what I choose, what I become, how I believe, who I serve.....those things are still up to me.
Leading is best done patiently and by example.  For now I must just let it be.
Doesn't mean it isn't painful.  But, actually, doing the classes would have taken a lot of courage.  My ex spends an awful lot of time and energy making brownie points.  I'm not interested in the competition.  I just want to be me.  Pure and simple.  No battle.  No competition about who is right or who is better.  It's important to him to be popular at church.
I guess I should just walk away from really being a part and just make it through this time with my kids there.  It'll be ok.  God has brought others along in life.
I think that this would be easier if I hadn't had this false sense of hope.  Hope that there was a place  Hope that someone understood.  Hope that I was worth seeking out.  Pretty pathetic that I was so easily thrilled.
Need to get on with real living and not be so interested in being important to people that I admire but will never be friends with.  It's time to just live my life.  I love my life.  It is good and full.  I don't need a pedestal nor a cheerleader from leadership.  It is enough to have the support of those who know.  Who know me.  Who love.  Consistently.  More than enough.
Sometimes when we reach out, others don't reach back.  That doesn't mean that we aren't valuable.....just not valuable to them right at the time.  That's ok.  Our value changes not
blessings.