not enough

i really got screwed up in my marriage.  i never remember worrying about the choices i was making about what to get done and what not to do ever before.  now, it's tangible.  i struggle.  i worked hard this weekend.  yet, all i can seem to see is what i didn't do.
makes me sad.  how he pushed so much that i completely lost confidence.  and that loss is hard to regain.  i think that i'm fine.  i act like i'm fine.  i often feel fine.  but there is this residual panic that overtakes me when i don't even expect it.  like tonight.  "what didn't i do?  what should i have done instead of the yard?  why did i half paint the picnic table?  why do i waste time?  why? why am i me?"  because being me was something to be changed.  to be sorry for.  he always made me feel like he had to be so patient with my deficiencies.  but he wasn't.
there are so many things that i am not.  i see them.  but what i have trouble with is seeing the value in what i am.  i'm working on it again.  that is exactly why i was painting the picnic table.  it was fun.  it was....satisfying.  even if i did run out of paint. no big deal.  it's a picnic table.  but it saddens me to have this sense of inadequacy.  i do like who i am.  and i feel guilty for that. because of a man. a man that was supposed to love and support.  that didn't turn out so well.  and yet...he keeps acting so charming and innoceent and like a victim.  jackass.