Working Through Stuff

Sometimes I wonder when I'll be done working through the twenty years of my marriage.  I have residual fears.  Today, I am going to file paperwork to turn my legal separation into a divorce.  I woke up at three struggling.  i didn't know why.  I was unreasonably afraid.  I kept thinking, "I don't want to poke this bear right now."  Then, I let myself off of the hook that I didn't have to do it.  That I could sleep.  That I could do it or not.  I was thinking about waiting because he is going to give me the addresses that he has and I don't for his family.  I was thinking about waiting because I know that he'll tell his family and it could make graduation even harder on my son.  I was thinking about waiting because I was afraid of how he would respond.  I was afraid of what it would do to graduation.  Of how it could hurt my son.
Then, I went to sleep thinking, "I don't have to do it right now."  Waking up, the thoughts were still with me.  The wonderings.  The fears.  And then...revelation.  I certainly never want to be married to someone that causes me this much fear and anxiety.  It was so much a part of my life in my marriage to make things right, to keep them smooth, to choose the right moment....that I hadn't even realized what I was doing!  I'm not married to him and I was STILL trying to behave in a way that didn't make him angry.  That didn't make him make choices that will hurt his son.  I was STILL covering for him.  Without even a thought.  And I thought about how it would hurt him to just get the paperwork in the mail.  Because yes, I still care about hurting people.  Yes, even him.  I decided that when I do it, I would email first.  Let him know that it was coming.  Sweet peace.  Owning what I'm doing without apologizing for it.  Then, I thought, "why not now?"  So I emailed and told him.  Now it's not hanging over my head.
There's still stuff to work through.  But what I realized today is that I don't have to work through HIS stuff.  Just mine.
blessings.