troubled

i'm afraid that i don't really fit in with others very well.  i have trouble making fun or being irritated about others.  i can talk goofy.  talk silly.  talk about sex.  talk about feelings.  talk about how i feel about my ex...to a degree.  i can talk about my story.  talk about their stories.  i can listen.  i can commiserate.  but i just am not the woman that does well when the subject of other people that aren't part of my story come up.  i cringe.  i can talk about our kids.  because we love them.  i can talk about parents/grandparents/inlaws.  i don't have a deep seated belief that it's gossip to speak about others.  i feel like there's something about what is in the heart.  whether it's malicious.  whether it's from a place of love.  and i know that i'm guilty.  and i know that i often fail.  but i so easily feel uncomfortable when people talk about someone or pass judgement.  perhaps it is because i have been the subject of such.  i hurt when people who are different are put on the conversation agenda.  i am weird.  i am different.  i wonder what people say about me when i'm not around.  awkward thought.
i want to be kind of heart.  and of word.  and tell the truth in my own story.  balance.  but i don't want to drag others or their habits into conversation just to have something to talk about.  makes me sad.
night.  have school tomorrow!!!