I was awakened at three a.m. Keep in mind that it was midnight and past before I went to sleep. A sound at my window. Awoke. Heard it again. Heart pounding. But then...I decided. I turned on the light. Turned it off. Turned it back on. Got up. Went out front and turned on the lights. Went in the bathroom. Ok, I didi check the shower. Couldn't help it. But then I went back to bed. I couldn't go back to sleep after the adrenaline kick, so I watched some shows and chilled. I rested. And as I let my mind wander, I remembered the things that I tend to put away.
I remembered the fights about whether people could wear their shoes in our house. Or how much food people should take. Or whether they should be allowed to take more meat than other things. I remember how keeping the house warm was a no no. How he would have to be the center of games. I especially remember how he would say my name in that disapproving tone. I seriously heard it last night. And....I laughed. Because he doesn't get to choose for me anymore. Yesterday I had remembered his rules for the Easter egg hunt. So serious. Always sure that everyone was going to do something wrong. And that is it. He was always looking at all of us like we were wrong. Bad. Irritating. Disappointing. Always trying to rein me in. Ha. After 20 years, I broke free. The constant pulling must've broken the reins.
I remembered the constant stress feeling. The heaviness. The incessantly trying to be better. The dread. The always trying to work through my feelings. The guilt. The shame. I remembered how hard it was.
When he sang yesterday, maybe he wanted me to see how a changed man should get to go back...but nobody gets to go back. We all keep going forward. The thief on the cross didn't go back...he still died. I guess that's what he doesn't hear from me. I know that he can change. That he might change. But it can't be to "win" me. I'm done. Done feeling used. Done being taken forgranted. Done with the attitude that is abusive even if it doesn't leave marks. Done. Moving forward.
blessings.
I remembered the fights about whether people could wear their shoes in our house. Or how much food people should take. Or whether they should be allowed to take more meat than other things. I remember how keeping the house warm was a no no. How he would have to be the center of games. I especially remember how he would say my name in that disapproving tone. I seriously heard it last night. And....I laughed. Because he doesn't get to choose for me anymore. Yesterday I had remembered his rules for the Easter egg hunt. So serious. Always sure that everyone was going to do something wrong. And that is it. He was always looking at all of us like we were wrong. Bad. Irritating. Disappointing. Always trying to rein me in. Ha. After 20 years, I broke free. The constant pulling must've broken the reins.
I remembered the constant stress feeling. The heaviness. The incessantly trying to be better. The dread. The always trying to work through my feelings. The guilt. The shame. I remembered how hard it was.
When he sang yesterday, maybe he wanted me to see how a changed man should get to go back...but nobody gets to go back. We all keep going forward. The thief on the cross didn't go back...he still died. I guess that's what he doesn't hear from me. I know that he can change. That he might change. But it can't be to "win" me. I'm done. Done feeling used. Done being taken forgranted. Done with the attitude that is abusive even if it doesn't leave marks. Done. Moving forward.
blessings.
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