My story

God has been persistent in His journey with me.  Staying.  Loving.  Nurturing.  Teaching.  He has seen me angry, forgiving, grieving.  He has seen me weep until I cannot hardly breathe.  And heard me laugh with deep joy.  But through it all...He has never changed.  He has been, is now and always will be the One that deserves my very life.
When I wonder why I am where I am.  When I grieve with a heart of pain and questions, He doesn't condemn me.  He sits with me there.  There in that place of pain.  Of having to let go of what might of been.  Of "if onlys".  There are many things that I wish.  But my wishing, my verbalizing, my desires, my hopes, my faith, my prayers...none caused them to come true.  And there are some things that weren't important.
But there is this place that was important.  This concept.  This basic belief.  That God values each of us.  Not because of what we do or how, but because He is God.  Living in my marriage eroded that sense within me.  I turned from that over time as I struggled to maintain a relationship with one for whom the kids were never quite good enough, for whom I was never quite loveable...but, he was "trying".  Always being made to know that he was good and that I was so lucky to have him.  But I finally know that what was happening was wrong.  It was not God's design.  It was not His plan.
I went into marriage with the excitement that would come from having a prayer partner, a co-encourager, a laborer in the kingdom.  I was so jazzed for what God would do.  And He has.  He has brought me a long way.  Like going to the desert...the wilderness....for a time...and now, it's as if He is bringing me back home.  That is where the relief comes from.  From soaking Him up again.  Seeing hope in what He can be in my life again.  Because what had happened was that I didn't have a life of my own.  Not in a selfish manner...but in a manner that it had gotten to the point that who I was was being stripped away as it was not convenient for my husband.
That's not ok with God.  He loves me.  He sees my sin.  He sees my gifts.  He sees my strengths.  He sees my weaknesses.  And He still has a plan for me.
My story feels weird still.  Like a failure......but not....like a story with a twist.  That when it all looks really lousy, the Knight comes and saves me.  The real One.  The One who always will.  Who will never allow me to be misused nor will He want His name to be used against me.
My story is that I hid it well.  Tried to live like it was ok.  I find now, looking back, that it built a lot of anger.  Especially for what he chose to do regarding our children.  Or not do.  And now, I am freer from that.  Free from having him take away hope each and every day.  Free to grow toward God once again.  It still freaks me out when people assume that if he says he's sorry then I'll let him move back home.  The sorry doesn't fix damage.  And my forgiving him doesn't either.  In this kind of situation, the only thing that really helps is to let go and let God have His way with each of us.  Because I believe that His first priority is relationship with Him.
So...that's my story.  I'm learning again how to relax and let God love me.  How to sing joyfully unto the Lord with ALL my heart.  Having a broken heart curtailed that.
I'm barely into it.  It'll take time.  That's ok.  He has all eternity to teach me.
Your story counts.  Whatever it is.  Wherever you are.  He adores you.  Really.  And He has a plan that is uniquely for you.  And blessings that He can't wait to show you.
My prayer is that your eyes will be opened and that You will see the way back to the trail towards Him.  Even if it involves hard choices.  It's worth it.
blessings.

Loss and Relief

Sometimes I realize why I feel so "schizo"....I have such an intense relief to not be in the situation that I allowed myself to be in for so very long.  I feel the rush of having decided.  Of having made the decision to live in a new way.  Of having found the courage and faith to choose anew.  And, at the very same time, I have a huge sense of loss.  For the hopes and dreams that I'd always had.  I always wanted to be a christian mom and wife.  With a family that supported one another and reached out as a unit.  I had desired to learn and grow and change....to keep the family fresh and vital.  I had hoped for a man that would stand for me.  Care about me.
So, I feel relief to have gotten to where I am.  And I feel like I had to say good bye to so very much.  It isn't easy.  It's crushing in some ways.  But, while I weep, I feel like....at least I CAN weep again.  I was shutting down.  Closing off.  I was becoming somehow who had to do everything on automatic pilot in order to simply survive.  I learned how to apologize well.  All of the time.  First.  Quickly.  Always sorry....for just being myself half of the time. THAT is not my personality...that was learned.  And now I have to learn something different.
I exist...and if who I am bothers you...you can leave.  I take up space....and if I am in your way.....you can move.  I have hopes and dreams....if you think that they are stupid.....you can talk to yourself about it.  I need to learn again that I have value.  And let me tell you, this whole separation time is not exactly the greatest breeding ground for that.
People flee like mosquitoes from DEET.  They back off emotionally.  They don't want to be associated with being the one who endorsed or encouraged such behavior.  Yeah, I see it.  Yeah, I understand.  But I still have to go about my adventure in life...learning what I need to learn.  Though I might have to learn it all by my lonesome.  That's ok.  Maybe I'll learn to apologize to myself.;)
I'm getting there.....where?  To the safe shelter of His arms.  Of the place where I live move and have my being in Him.  I might still be screwed up, but if I can be there...I'll be ok.
blessings.

emails

i feel manipulated by his emails.  not better.  not happy.  not changed.  manipulated.  how he disagrees that the marriage is irreparable.  how he doesn't care which stuff because he doesn't view it as his.  how he simply doesn't want to separate but is doing it for me.  how he thinks i'm all these good things...and if he couldn't love me then he should look at himself...wait, back the car up.....does he not get it?  that's the whole point.  he has never behaved as if he loves me.
maybe i should test his theory and ask for all of the cars.  I know....not nice.  but then he could buy one and not me.  he just trusts that i won't call him on his super goodness.
i can forgive.  i do forgive.  what he is not getting is that i'm not going back.  if in twenty years i meet him and we started all over again...that's it .....we would have to start ALL OVER AGAIN.  i just don't trust him. period.  and he hurts me so much by not giving me the basic things that i need.
soooo.....i pretty much hate the emails.
grace.

Turn a Negative Around

Be Careful Who You Value

my big life lesson

be careful

be very careful

and decide

purposefully

WHO

gets to speak in my brain.

blessings.

Mood Ring

or...

an awesomely

totally amazing

so incredible

that it couldn't 

even register

on the mood ring.

just sayin'. 

blessings.

Simple Choices

getting up

isn't always a physical thing

sometimes

like now

when sick

it's more about

my spirit

getting up

facing what life

looks like

what it is dealing out

what has come my way

and then choosing

to

OVERCOME

to

GROW

to

LOVE

to 

ENJOY

to

EMBRACE

to 

CONTINUE

to 

TRUST

no matter how 

things look.

it's possible.

all things are possible to him (yes, or her)

who

BELIEVES.

blessings my dears.

Calling Out to You - by Shirley Bunnell

The Work

One little thing at a time.  I have had to face each and every financial fear.  With no daddy or grandpa or mommy or grandma.  One at a time.  It's not like anybody is around that says, "don't worry sweetie, we'll help you be sure that is taken care of."  And it is ok.  I am finding still that God is my provision.  Not in a stingy, mean spirited way, but in a way that is good and kind and uplifting.
I have nearly cut my house insurance in half....working on it still.  I have figure out where to pay my property taxes since he said he left the bill....but did not.  And in another six months, I have to pay ANOTHER 900.  I like being able to actually...plan for it.
But, I got him to give me the one little bitty investment that we had....that I said we should establish 20 years ago.  That we were supposed to build. Ha.  Has a minimum amount in it.  But...it will be enough.  Of course, in so doing. he felt that he should be able to keep the money from the taxes.  To fix the van so it will be safe for him to drive it to Texas!!!  Wow.  That's going to cost a pretty penny.  Mercy.  I said ok.  But suggested that he get a car instead....since he had said that he also wanted it safe for the boys to drive it.  That apparently irritated him...because HE already has a car and it's me who doesn't.  I said fine...keep the money.  Fix the van.  I didn't mention the times when he said he'd give me a little money from selling  a house or tax refunds or bonus checks to get a run around car.  Because really, what's the point?
I just keep working at lowering total bills.  And keeping on top of them.  And praying that God will show me what to do.  And trusting that it will all be ok.  Because it will.  I am sheltered.  By the MOST HIGH GOD.  Amazing.
blessings.

Bones

Love this, Miss Reba.

And I'm learning.

To get my bones

stronger.

grace.

Challenging Life

This last week

has been 

really really really really (etc)

hard

difficult

challenging

tough

bullish

trying.

And today,

my eye itself

not the skin

eyelid

outer eye

the 

EYEBALL

hurts like fire.

Too much use

yesterday.

Too much being up.

But.

How can I live

from here on my bed?

One eye usually closed.

Resting.

With a heating pad.

Or ice.

Or both. 

With meds that make my body sleep.

And not hurt.

Hmm.

I can simply realize

that this IS 

life.

A quiet moment

in life.

A still time.

A painful time too.

But a gift.

To stop.

To wait.

To watch God work.

And to learn not to be

FRUSTRATED

with lack of progress.

But rather,

to appreciate the view out the window.

The stillness of a moment.

The scent of flowers. 

The whoosh of a sprinkler.

And just revel

in each breath

as a gift.

Because for now

that is what it seems to be.

Because when I try to do more

I pay for it.

Of course

I have to shop today.

Or not.

We'll see.

blessings.

Snort.

well said.

Life is Calling.

He is

the way

the truth

and the LIFE.

And He

is calling me.

And you.

To live

without regrets

without shame

without fear.

Like a parent 

standing in the pool

encouraging,

"jump, I'll catch you."

He's right there.

Encouraging.

Smiling.

Believing.

In US.

Incredible.

And there's nothing 

that we do

or don't do

that makes Him change His mind.

While we we still sinning

still choosing a life without Him

still hateful toward Him....

He loved us

AND

gave His own life

for us.

Life is calling.

blessings.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

Sometimes

it's 

time

to 

make

a 

new

reality.

blessings.

You are my refuge - by Sannon Wexelberg, Matthew Ward

This is how i feel.

my heart feels

like it can't take

much more.

but eventually...

everything will be

alright.

i will be alright.

i will not always

work out of my

woundedness.

but for now

this is how it is.

this is where i am.

and i hurt.

and i cry.

and it feels like

mostly nobody

gets it.

so...

i'll pray

and i'll wait

and i'll know

that someday 

will come.

grace.

Insecurities

You know that each of us has insecurities.  The things within us that we work against.  That we work to realize are not necessarily truisms....just fears of what might be true.  And we learn to be courageous and face those.  But sometimes, those insecurities are TRUE.  Sometimes we are a bother, are not enough, are not what someone wants.  Sometimes, the fact is that we are not treasured or cared about as much as we care about someone.  Sometimes, our worst fears ARE the truth.  And that is so hard.  Because in that moment, we have decisions to make.  We have to decide what we want to accomplish in who we are becoming.  We have to choose a direction.  And usually....it means doing it while our heart feels wounded and raw.  When we are reeling from the fact that we had faced our insecurity and trusted anyway.....and THEN found out that we were not enough.
Before I got married, I knew that in the past I had struggled with being a "bother".  Tossed from home to home.  No continuing contact.  No consistency.  No place or family that was my own.  Yet,I grew up and went to college.  I made my own places.  My own people to be with.  I faced my insecurities with courage and vanquished them.  For a time.  And after marriage, they came back with a vengeance.  Because no matter what I wanted to talk about and no matter what was important to me, my husband had a way of making it small.  Making me feel like I was a bother.  But, knowing myself, for a very long time, I blamed myself.  Until I realized that he really treated me that way.  It woke up those old feelings and made it hard in friendships.  But, again, I opened up.  Tried.  Found some to trust.  And yet, today, I realize that perhaps I really am a bother.  I am too needy.
So...I have to re-evaluate AGAIN.  And grow again.  And cry again that somehow I didn't get it right. That I am more of an intrusion than welcome.  Blah.
Sad.  It was already a hard day.  Stupid paperwork that husband filled out and mailed with a letter to the court of how he will support his wife and children financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  That it's not best for the children to have a family that is not intact.  But he DOESN'T support in those ways.
And then there's nobody to tell.  Just have to suck it up.  Let it go.  He can say what he wants.
Then I got to find out that i have made a fool of myself without realizing it.  I was embarrassed.  Ashamed.  Humiliated.  In front of a crowd.  I'm sure that nobody knew how deeply it hurt me.  Because nobody knew how hard my day had been.
So I made it through.  I came home.  Came in my room.  Remembered that I have to decide who I want to be.  And wept again.  Like in childhood where you want to just be you but you're the kid that is different.  How hard today was.  A culmination of so much.  Of so many other realizations.
I know who I want to be.  But I am not her yet.  My neediness is high.  My hurt level is off the charts.  And somehow I'm supposed to just figure it out and be able to be good at working, being a mom, being a friend etc.
Some things are just insecurities.  Some things though...they are true.  And they hurt.  And still....we just have to get through them.  So...I'll just have to get through yet another thing.
grace.

Through the Pain

Emotional abuse is a lot like shingles. Like the disease, not the things you put on the roof.
When shingles begin, you feel badly, have a horrible headache.  In my case, I was thinking that I was going to have a stroke it was so bad.  But, you don't know what's causing it.  You don't know why you feel how you do.  Nobody looks at you and knows you are sick.  You aren't sure what is wrong...just that SOMETHING is wrong.  Then, finally, it starts to show.  And you cover it up.  It's ugly.  It reflects on you.  On your abilities.  With shingles, it is awful looking.  Blisters, swollen, red.  I covered it with my hair combed just right.  It was actually a cute style.  Dress to draw the eye away from what is wrong.  Same in abuse.  Cover it up, feel ashamed.  Why?  Don't know.  Embarrassed.  Still don't know why.  Try to do everything to get it to go away quickly.  To make things better.  But, like shingles, emotional abuse doesn't just suddenly go away.  And, what is worse than how bad that rash starts to look is how badly the nerve pain hurts.  It's like that with emotional abuse.  Others looking might see a few dings.  A few things that they wonder about, but they don't see the huge pain going on. And it's so hard to describe that it hardly seems worth it after you try a couple of times and people just don't get it.  And after awhile, outwardly, everything can look ok.  But the residual damage and pain can last for months.  Years even.  For some people, forever.  And emotional abuse feels that way.  A voice in the head.  A lifestyle.  Pain that remains and shoots up when you least expect it.  And even if it doesn't last, there is the deep seated fear that it might.  That your life might never be the same again....and all because....I'm not sure.
Not because you did something wrong or bad.  It's not a consequence of not having tried hard enough.  It just...happens sometimes.
In my days dealing with the disease of shingles, I am actually learning more about how to deal with the disease of emotional abuse.  It looks harmless from the outside.  I think that many times only the people living with it can get it.  It's a lonely kind of abuse.  Not like someone broke your arm and the police are going to go arrest them.  No.  It's insidious.
My husband has lived for years doing and being who he is without looking like he's hurting anyone.  And I did my best to use my voice.  To say what I needed.  To help myself.  To help him.  To cover and honor.  But there comes a point where I just have to say....I have this disease and it's not catching and it looks ugly or it's something that you can't see at all...but it's there.  And it hurts.  A lot.  And while I can't make you understand it or experience it, I would very much appreciate your love and compassion.
Through this physical pain, I am learning a lot about my emotional pain.  Like....how rest is imperative.  How I have to get over hoping that people will understand.  That some people will help.  And some people will hurt.  Even when they don't mean to.  Especially when they don't mean to. But I can't be responsible to make them all feel better.  I am the one suffering.  I don't have to fix it so that they feel more comfortable.  And if they can't handle that now and again......then they probably really don't give a darn about me anyway.
I'm learning about taking care of myself.  How it matters.  Good food.  Nutrition.  Exercise not as a competition or an obsession, but as a healing agent.
And I'm learning how it takes time.  Much more time than I want it to.  And a lot of things don't get done.  And I want people to know that though it's on my mind and though that is the person I am...who likes it to be nicer around my house and likes to get things accomplished....well, I just can't. Oh well.  Take me or leave me.
And I'm learning that all different people have all different gifts in helping and healing.  Some feed me.  Some love on me and understand.  Some show up.  Some...they say they wish they could....but just can't.  Some walk away.  Some make sure I do what it is I need to do. Some pray and check in and let me know that they are praying.  All have a place.
Funny though...people handle the disease better than they handle the emotional havoc that is part of my life post marriage.  They don't see.  I keep reminding myself.  But I do.  And I am responsible to take care of me.  To love me.  To understand me.  All in connection to the God who loves, gives, and made me.
I am learning much...through the pain.
But I still hope that the pain ends soon.  It's too intense.
blessings.

A Smile

Today I've had a little trouble having a smile.  The pain is intense and you know how it is after it drags on for awhile.  Just wears.  But, my body is healing.  And instead of stressing over it all, I'm trying to simply rest.  I know that rest is restorative.  Harder today because my kids have been around all day so the house has been more hectic.  And I have them going three different directions tonight.  And I feel unable to be sure that they have what they need.  I'm just doing the best that I can.  A little stressful but not horrible.  It's just frustrating to have the pain increased today.  I really want to take my narcotic pain meds and go to sleep.  No can do.
Hmm. Perhaps text a mania in the morning with the husband was not productive to healing?  Hmmm.  Could be.
But a smile.  To receive and to give.  It makes days brighter.  I will always fight to have a smile.
blessings.

journey

Hmmm...

This was good for me to think about.

Because I'm all about more chances.

Giving them.

Knowing that I need them.

But this made me think...

depends on what

I'm giving them a chance

to do.

I must be wise.

I must guard my heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

blessings.

Goodness

So many people are living their lives wondering how come they have it so badly.  How come there is so much evil.  How come so many things go wrong.  And I've lived through the stuff too.  The hurts.  The abuses.  The meanness.  The unfairness.  I've ranted at God....yes, literally, one time in my life, on a trampoline....screaming.
But maybe I'm changing?  Because today I was marveling at how much good their is in this world.  How everywhere I look there is evidence of the goodness, mercy, kindness and compassion of the Living God.  How it's amazing that things aren't....worse.  How you can see evil held in check.  And recognize the face of God in so many on the earth.
There is goodness all around.  Have to pursue it.  Let go of the ugly and look for the beautiful.
blessings.

What He Says In My Every Day

God speaks in my life.  Always has.  Loud and clear.  Even in the silence.
Like, this last week...or so...I've been hearing, "be still and know that I am God...."
Some people are really worried about my working.  Or, actually, by my lack of working.  And I don't want to be irresponsible or anything.  Yet, throughout this illness, I have had this underlying sense of security.  Of knowing that He is just telling me to be still and let Him be God.  Let Him be the provision.  Let Him be the caretaker.  Let Him be the journey guide.  However He does it.  Through others.  Through miracles. Through a good job.  Whatever it takes.  I just know that He is at work doing just that.
He calms me in the pain.  Shushes me.  Reminds me to rest in Him.  Literally.
And it is a salve to my battle worn spirit.  Not to have to be strong.  Nor savvy.  Nor able.  Not to have to be able to figure it all out.  But rather watching and seeing His hand move.
Sit down. Listen.  Know that He is at work.  And begin to watch for His hand.  It's there.  Working.  Organizing.  And He plans for your good...never to harm you.  Never.
It's a very good week.....in a very weird way.
blessings.

yep

You Were There For Me

I am learning to love who I am.  Not because I am something spectacular nor famous.  But, as the years go by, I get little affirmations that back in the past, when I was just being me, I was good and needed.  Today, someone that I have known since way back in junior high told me that I saved her life and that I didn't even know it.  That she wanted to die.  That being in choir and at lunch together, I helped her.  Without even knowing.  Just being me.  Somehow, that speaks deeply to me.  Because I'm not about the big splash.  I'm about the constant.  The deep care.  The stable commitment.
Guess that is why the thing about my marriage was so hard.  Because when I give, I give big.  From the depths of my toes.  And I don't expect a big thank you or a parade.  But, I guess I do expect to be appreciated.  Not in an "I said thank you for the dinner and now can you give me what I want?" kind of way.  In a much more deep way.  A way that means that a person has seen me.  I don't need to be elevated.  I just need to be known.
I don't do a lot of things.  But one thing I have done in my life is be there for those who I care about.  Through whatever.  Ahhh.  There it is.  One of those moments.  THAT'S why it hurts me so much that people act like this is easy for me with my husband...nearly ex....because it is contrary to the very fabric of who I am.  And what that means is that they don't SEE me.  And that hurts me.  Oh.  Knowing is half the battle.  Because really what hurts me isn't their thoughts...it's my fears and hurts about their thoughts. That was very enlightening.  I LOVE writing.
blessings.
oh....and remember....while you are just busy being you, you are touching lives that you don't even know about....and if you try to be like someone else.....those people will miss out on your special touch.

Take Yer Soul Vitamins

The vitamins that I had been

oddly driven to

search out

go buy

and take absolutely

faithfully

for the last few weeks

are exactly 

what I needed to help

my eyes.

I don't like fish oil.  

I don't like big honkin' pills.

I don't like pills at all.

But I was absolutely 

sure 

that I needed to get them

Read about them

Researched a bit

Went out and got them

Took them

Not knowing why.

Until yesterday when

I went to the eye doctor

wondering what was going to happen

who was going to take care of my kids

if the doctor sent me straight 

to the hospital

as she was talking about.

Wondering how it would be

not to see with one eye.

And hearing that

the vitamins that I went 

and got

and took

contributed to my eye health.

It was amazingly healthy

for how sick it is.

Meaning that though

it was going through a huge trauma

and looked horrible,

it seems as if

it's going to recover

just fine.

Wow.
And, in the time
between,
my body had felt better,
I had lost belly fat.
I was eating better.

And it's like that with my soul.

I read things.

Study them.

Pray.

Develop relationships.

Live in the Spirit.

Pray.

Have faith.

Hope. 

And in the moment when there is 

great trauma

great drama

when He looks upon my heart

He says, you were 

doing the right thing

and you are going 

to recover.

love that.
And I love how
the very actions
provide peace
harmony
joy
hope
in
the daily day too.

don't understand how it works.

but know that it does.

blessings.

Where I Went Wrong

I look around and realize how many people have no clue how life has been.  How it is not a trauma that he is not here when I am sick or just any day for that matter, but a gift.  And I wonder what I contributed to cause this.
And I think I know.  I guarded his reputation.  I fought battles on my own.  I allowed him to treat me badly without bringing it to light for others to see.  I allowed it by my silence.  All trying to be honoring.  But it doesn't honor.  It was a false sense of what is right to do.
And now, in this moment of being pretty dang sick, it took me time to go to the doctor.  Always hearing his voice.....because it was always such an issue when the doctor bill came.  Comments and observations.  Going to have to cut back on other things because I had to go to the doctor.  But now I realize...that was never the case when he needed medical care.
So, going to the doctor was a hurdle that I needed to jump.  It's weird the silly fears that develop...that aren't silly at all because they have been created and cultivated over time.  And though they are of silly stuff, the very real, very serious part is that he created them.
And when I was at the doctor yesterday and so many were with a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child, I thought I'd feel sad about that.  But I looked inside and felt...relief.
I hoped and prayed and loved and gave. I wanted to have a marriage that lasted.  But now I know that I wanted it at all costs.  And that was a downfall.  There should be expectations in how someone treats another.  A marriage, a real marriage, not a sham, allows two people to feel safe and valued.  Instead, it's like I spent all of my time making him feel safe, important, and loved.  Without getting it in return.
I have exact memories of where we were when I would tell him that I needed him to get help regarding how important his family was to him...to go away for awhile and pray.....to seek counsel.....to decide.  What he always decided had to do with him and not me.  Not us.  He wanted to be comfortable.  And if I had to be uncomfortable for that to happen, then so be it.  And I behaved that way too.  Like doing that made me a christian wife.
I still believe in putting self aside.  Just differently.  Not in solo.  Not in marriage.  Because that just causes hurt.  To both parties.
I went wrong.  But he hurt me.  He hurt our kids.  Our kids are always trying to perform.  My son finally said the other day about a food, "I don't like this, I don't want to eat it."  He wasn't rude, just factual.  And it made me realize the thumb that we have lived under.  To always clean your plate.  To never waste anything.  Good things.  But they were somehow twisted.  To let us know that he was the monitor, the example, and the rest of us had so much to learn.
I get creeped out sometimes just allowing thoughts of certain moments to enter my current place.  I have to...in order to sift through them and deal with them.  But looking from this safe place, I realize how deeply damaging so many things were....are.   My sons avoid going there except for on the weekend when they know they are supposed to.  No extra invites are being accepted.  And when the one comes home...I get to deal with his anger.  That's really fun.  (sarcasm. ;))  But I know how it must feel.  Not to get to just start new and be able to feel good about yourself.  To have a dad for whom you are a show piece.  I get how it hurts.  How they want to be good.  To do well.  But how there's a part that wants to blow it all off and say, "see, do you love me now, dad?"  Because he calls to see how they have performed.  And that is sad.  So much already lost.  And on this front, I fought valiantly for years.  Even to the day he was leaving.  "Take your daughter on dates.  Hug her.  Tell her she's beautiful.  Let your sons win.  Let them feel manly and amazing.  Let them see how you lift them up.  Let them feel your pride."  But he just.......can't.....or won't.  It takes away from him.  Maybe he is so needy that he can't give to others?  Not really sure.  But he sees him.
I went wrong.  Not intentionally.  Went wrong doing what could have been very good in a healthy relationship.  But now, I have to heal.  Even though the way I did things means that he has never been "caught" or viewed being the bad guy.  Oh well.
I'm not here to get people on my side.  I'm here to survive.  To learn again to serve the One who made me.  To allow myself to be beloved.  I'm here because it was finally time.  So, I won't regret the past.  I will learn from what I have done wrong.  And I will cry for what hurt.  And I will walk on.  Letting go.
blessings.

I am.

As You Do For The Least of These

Someone "did" for the least of these tonight....and it was me.  Totally a wreck.  Weary as could be.  Teary.  Hard day on the health front, the kid front and the life front.  And it was so nice to be spoiled a little bit.  Jams from Oregon...raspberry AND marion berry.  mmm.  Homemade biscuits shaped liked hearts.  Soup made with fresh veggies and barley and beef.  Amazing.  Soothing.  To the body.  To the heart.  To the aloneness....the having to get it done on my own ness.  I cooked the meals still this week.  Sat and ate with the kids.  Made a point to be with them.  And they with me....and each other.  But tonight...just tooo worn out.
It was scary.  But I am fine.  No brain inflammation.  That's good.  No loss of vision. That too is good.  Have to go back next week....sigh.
gotta chill.
blessings.

Nor Woman

You know...those moments

Have you ever had those moments when you realize something that should be so obvious?  I realized today that I'm on my own.  Not regarding my husband....I realized already, earlier, that I was always on my own...if I needed something or was sick, it was a rarity for him to do whatever it was.  Even if he said he would.  So, that....that I'm used to.  But what I'm not used to is my friends being distant.  Not taking care.  Not reaching out.  It has been one long week.  But I had an aha moment and realized..."hey, this is just how it is."  The tears welled up....but then I realized that I'd be ok.  I was fried from the long wait at the docs.  Then at the pharmacy x2.  Now, on to get my son to a job interview and me to another doc.  I feel like I'm going to pass out.  Literally.  But this doc appt is important.  Gotta be sure to keep my vision and all.  So....I'll go.  Anyway....I did try to ask for help today.  Everyone says I don't, but I've been getting fairly good at it.  But you know what?  One of two things has happened.  Either my friends just can't be there in depth anymore or they just really don't hear how much I'm hurting.  Whichever....I just have to let it be.  However it is.  Each gets to choose.
Me?  I just need to sleep...but I got things to do and kids to take care or and take to school tomorrow.  This pain is harsh.  I declined the oxycodone or something stronger though until we see if something else works.  Because narcotics really affect me badly.  Can't function.  Can't think.
Ok.  off to the next set of duties.
grace.

Sometimes a silly laugh is so healing

Sometimes, I just need a chuckle.  Today, this sparked one....because I have lots of teens in my life and they are so smart...but somehow they just don't know that grownups are smart too...and know when they are texting....

I needed this today.

The Wall

I must learn.  How to control the wall that holds back the flood of emotions and pain.  Of need.  I must learn not to crack it open when it's not safe or appropriate because the pressure on the door pushes it full open and it's like holding back a tidal wave.  With me, this would all be impossible.  The very idea that I have to learn this, strikes fear.  Because I don't want to live behind a wall.  And I don't want to keep stuff sucked in.  And I don't want to be hidden from those who care the most.  But sometimes caring means keeping some doors closed.  I guess that I need to learn to compartmentalize.  I don't want to be shallow with those that are his friends too.  I don't want to close them out.  I don't want to hurt them.  They don't have my experiences.  They don't have my hurts.  And they don't have to share them.  And in the end, even if I learn how to do this, it still might not work.  That's how life is.  Sometimes, even f there is something really good, you just have to let go.
But I know the One who can manage the wall.  Who can hold back the wave.  Who knows my heart.  Who holds me in my tears.  Who hurts with me.  Who knows what pain has been doled out.  This morning was one of those mornings that I forgot which place I was in in life and woke up with a racing heart before calming down and realizing that it was ok.
How do I learn how to keep such significant things from those I hold most dear?  I'm just not sure.  I don't like shallow.  But perhaps there will be a way to not be shallow but to not share these aspects which would harm them?  I'm hoping so.  And then there's a part of me that thinks that maybe it's too much for them and I should be kinder than making them walk through this.  Perhaps what being a friend means at this juncture is disappearing.  Fading gracefully away.
But I'm not there.  It's not ok yet.  Maybe at some point I'll know that is the case, but for now, in the midst of everything else, I will try to figure it out.  I will pray for constant wisdom...and a door at my MOUTH.  And I will ask that my heart be strengthened.  Pretty bruised.
blessings.

Ouch

Well, let's see...I've given birth to five children, one breech, sustaining fourth degree lacerations, one with an emergency c-section of which they began cutting in a place that I had a "window' in my epidural....yes, you are understanding.....I was AWAKE and I could FEEL it.  Not cool.  I've had migraines that have taken me to the hospital.  And migraines that should have.  Just saying that I'm acquainted with pain.  But this shingles thing is owie ouche ewie aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! Want to sleep, but when I do, my eye swells more.  And did you know, you turn in your sleep.  And if you lay upon that side of your face.....again.....ooooowwwwww!  Wake up at 4 am and my eye is so swollen that I go to look and can barely see my poor little eye ball.  Getting up.  Heat and ice.  Taking pain/anti inflammatory meds through the night.  But, no denying.....it HURTS.
But at least I am not of a mind to feel sorry for myself this morning.  It's a good thing to face....that there is pain.  That here I am, on my own, to take care of it.  And though it's intense.  And though it makes the time go by a bit slowly.  And though I am so very tired.  And though it's hard to bend over and reach down...because the blood goes to my head and increases the pressure.  Though all of that.....I am more content on my own.  Does it make me feel sad?  Sure.  Does it make me like a disappointment?  Oh yeah.
Does it make me cringe that my choice is affecting others?  Every day.
But, this pain...this all consuming, brain numbing, nerve wracking..literally....sleep stealing, energy depriving, debilitating pain.....THIS pain is so much easier than the pain I was living in.  That was life destroying.  That was more than I should bare.  Loving shouldn't be the thing or the place that causes regular, intended, grief and hurt.  It should not be the place that makes me feel like a failure.  Unworthy.  Scared.  Always on edge.  It shouldn't be.  But it was.  And coming to terms with what was.....has been deeply and intensely painful.  It has also been freeing.  I feel like a car has been lifted off of me.  The joy and exuberance of having survived is immense.  I want to keep surviving.  I want to thrive.
So, yeah, I hurt.  And, yeah, I'm alone.  And, no, nobody is running to my rescue.  Nobody really even notices.  No big deal.  part of my learning....to take care of me.  Yes, and of my cherubs.  But of me too. I'm learning.
Although, I have to say that I'm giddy not to have to cook dinner tonight.  Literally giddy.  As giddy as I can be with a puffy, oozing tears eye.  Yes, the pressure on the tear duct causes it to drain tears.  Yes, they hurt too.  Yes, it's a lot.  Thanks for asking. ;)
But I'm making it.  i still have a sense of humor.  I still help as I am able in my little world.  I just know....it will pass.
blessings.

Poor Baby

Tonight, I got a "poor baby" from someone...in a kind way.  Empathy.  I hadn't really even thought about it.  My kids are fascinated with my illness, but not particularly empathetic.  Like I've said, I don't have family.  I had a friend go pick up the kids on Monday.  But....I am realizing how sick I've been.  It's a really weird sick.  Tired.  Body tired.  My eye is always tired.  Making my other eye strain.  And the aching of the whole area is so strange.  Sometimes throbbing,  Sometimes stabbing....seriously stabbing.  Tingly.  Itchy...but DON'T scratch, it really really hurts.  Sometimes hot packs.  Sometimes cold.  Hot baths.  Lots of laying down.  Trying to eat well.  Drinking tea and lots of water.  Just making my way through it.  It'll end.  Eventually.
But, the "poor baby" caught me off guard.  Brought tears to my eyes.  And then when she said that she'd be bringing me dinner tomorrow night....it was so blessedly amazing.  Cared for.  When I was sick with my husband it was not so great.  So, I don't much think about being pampered or having my duties lightened.  This little action brought me so much.  Even if the meal didn't come...just having someone make a deal and KNOW how hard this is to get through was good enough.
I'm strong.  I'm able.  I'm courageous.  But sometimes, it feels really good to have someone hold the sword and breastplate for awhile.
I was blessed.
grace.

The Question I Ask Myself

I have gone through lots of phases.  For quite awhile, I asked myself how I possibly had allowed such things to happen.  I also asked how come I wasn't good enough or important enough to love in a different way...yeah, I know, good at that self blame.  I also asked the all common why.  And I asked who it is that he could actually love.  For real.  Without having to "try".  Not that trying doesn't occur some of the time, but there has to be some part that is simply a pleasure.
But those questions are fading.  They sneak into my thoughts sometimes.  I still want to know, "but, what is wrong with me?"  But overall, they have been REPLACED.  By this all consuming question that keeps  driving me.  The question is, "who is God in my life?"  I mean, really.  Not what you read in books or even in THE book.  I mean, for real.  When I'm laying on my bed sobbing my heart out.  Or standing on a chair singing at the top of my lungs.  Yes, I know, I've spent too much time alone this last couple of weeks.  My dogs think so too.  They don't like when I make noises or talk out loud unless it's to say, "let's go for a ride."  Who is God when I'm looking through all of these pictures.  When I'm really really angry.  And horribly sad.  And feel totally like not a soul in this entire world gets it.  And that it doesn't do any good to explain anything because it just makes me look.....petty.  (but, i'm not petty.  i am nice.  i was nice to him.....too bad it didn't help.)  Anyway, I digress.  WHO IS GOD IN MY LIFE?  Not as some religious entity.  Not as some super christian with a philosophy of theology.  Not anything that I'll find in any book.  Really.  When I wake up.  When I lie down.  When I drive.  When I move.  When I can't move.  Who is He?
And the most marvelous thing began to happen.  I realized slowly that He is my base.  My home.  My safety.  My power.  My hope.  My joy.  He fills me.  He is plenty.  He is a daddy.  My daddy.  My husband.  My comfort.  No, these aren't coming from reading.  These are coming from my SOUL.  From the depths of what I have come to learn about me.  He's not these things because I spend hours deciphering what Leviticus means or learning the history of the Jews.  He's not these things because I deserve it or could ever deserve it.  He's this because one night long ago, I saw how wretchedly alone I was in the world.  Just a tiny elementary schooler.  No mama even then.  Not many friends at that point either.  Dad and stepmom never around.  Babysitters.  Neighbors who talked because my father had DIVORCED.  I was rather ostracized.  Nobody to count on.  My stepmom had told me if anyone bothered me to let her know.  I did.  She told me to not be a cry baby.  That I had to handle it.  So...ok then.  But then I went to christian camp.  And on my bed, late at night, I met Jesus.  I felt him like a physical presence.  And I just talked to Him.  I told Him that I would not make it without Him.  Life was too hard....I had turned 7.  Wow.  That I was lonely.  Scared.  And He came into me.  Don't know how.  Don't care.  Don't need to prove it or explain it.  I KNOW it.  And He has changed my life.  Ups and downs.  Fears and failures.  But He has never left.  I've yelled at Him.  Cried with Him.  Turned away from Him.  Listened to Him.  Ignored Him.  Worshiped Him.  But nothing I have done has changed what He promised that night...that He would never leave me.  Ever.  Period. So, He is everything.  When I am all done, finished, tapped out.....I can last still because He is able.  Always.  And He leads me.  Not always in ways that I comprehend.
He's the floor I stand on.  The chair I sit in.  The bed I sleep in.  He's the reason that I can get up and totally the reason that I can smile and get moving.  He makes my life worth living.  Every day.
And while I am having to learn everything all over again...like being a stroke victim....the one thing that calms me, comforts me, keeps me....is the base rock knowledge that He is there.  In me.  Me in Him.  How...still don't know.  Still don't care.  Just is.  Good enough for me.
And I remember all of the years of trying to please Him.  Of trying to do what everyone says you need to do.  Seven Minutes with God.  Master Life.  BSU.  The Bible In a Year.  Praying through Proverbs. How to Pray for Your Husband.  Intimate Issues....just through that one in because again, I was trying to please my husband.  But, what I finally remembered is that He is already pleased with me.  Yep.  Just like this.  Here in my pj's.  With my head pounding from these dumb shingles!!  Pleased.  He is my self esteem.  When I talk about myself it's with the vision of Me in Him..never me just on my own.
I hope that you have realized or soon realize that He did everything to tell you that He loves you.  And all He wants is to get to love on you for all of your life and help you to be exactly the person He made. It sure is a lot less painful when being who we are instead of who a whole group of people say we need to be.
I am blessed.
blessings.

Words

I worked so long to be able to get my words out.  To say what was happening.  And when I did, it was like a flood.  Like I couldn't close them back.  A rush.  A flow.  The relief from being held in for so long was intense.  But now I am learning to put them away.  Not very well yet.  It's slow going for me.  I keep messing it up.  Not sure how to draw the line.  I feel all nervous.  Uncertain.  Like I'm not sure what filter to use.
I can't give up some parts.  Like saying that I'm hurting.  I am hurting this week.  A lot.  It has been a tough week.  Lots of prayer time though....good part of being so sick.  I am hurting from being sick and I am hurting from dealing with the garbage each and every day.  And I am hurting with the grief of loss of family past and present.  It has been a rough week.  Lot of salt water flowing.  Slobbery face and all.  But it is healing.  It is freeing.  To know that I don't have to make my point.  That I don't have to fix it.  That I am provided for.  Protected.  And that though I feel vulnerable, I have HIS armor.  He has given me time to rest....and though I NEED to work, I trust that He knows more about what I really need.  I will rest in that.
But I am going to miss speaking.  It let out the infection.  It allowed things to get cleaned out.  Just where I am.  And....as I am most fond of thinking these days, "it is what it is."  Nothing I have to change.  All I have to do is figure out where I fit in to what I'm supposed to be learning and doing.
I do miss grown ups this week.  Didn't realize how much until tonight.  That's what happens when you stay in your house.
Not sure how I'll learn this part...but I'm confident that if I need to, I will.  I'm able.  I'm willing.  I'm caring.  I'm amazing.
blessings.

thanks Comprehensive Behavioral Health

Where do you find your shelter when you are afraid?

been there.

done that.

got the t-shirt.

then....

i let go.

grace.

Nothing Gets Him to Decide Faster Than Money

I am totally laughing.  At the sadness of it all....at the quickness of "yes, you can have all of the  responsibility and cost while I get to maintain the tax write off and the future sale."  And you know what?  I don't care.  I just think that he doesn't even realize how hard it was for him to swallow being "responsible" and how easy it is for me.  If I know that it's my job...I'll take care of it.  If I'm unsure, it causes me stress and if I have to decide  things with him...well, really, if that were very easy, we wouldn't be where we are, now would we?
Snort.  Chortle.  Chuckle.  Oh my.  I am sooooo amused.  Because I don't have to LIVE with it anymore.
YES!!!
Sorry, had to have a little party to overcome how hard it is for me to do these emails.
blessings.

Choice

You choose.

Where you are.

Who you are with.

What you think.

That IS the power.

That it is your choice to 

be wherever you are.

I stayed.

Thought I had to.

Turns out.

I made that choice.

And it was good.

For then. 

I had things to learn.

But sometimes

it didn't feel like a choice.

It's only looking back

that I see it as that.

I felt stuck.

Nowhere to go.

No family to take me.

No job.

No way to change things.

I did things along the way to survive.

But finally, even those 

couldn't help.

I need to stop allowing him

to hurt me.

For me.

And strangely,

for him.

grace.

My Prayer

Most probably think that this is just my griping place.  My dump.  And...honestly, it IS that.  But not just for me.  It is here because I know what it feels like to search for someone who understands the ups and downs and crazies.  I know how it feels to be told by church folks that God hates divorce....and to hate it myself...and yet to die a little inside knowing that I'm just not going to make it.  I know how it feels to pray to be the kind and considerate wife...to put her husband above herself (snort, bad image)  and to want to BE the godly, loving, forgiving wife.  My prayers were not for him to change.  But for me to adapt.  To be content with what was.  Lots of time has gone by.  Many years of a broken heart.  Of knowing that something just wasn't quite right but not being able to put my finger on it.  And maybe I still don't get it all.  I'm pretty sure of that.
But that's why I write this...so that others can go with me and hear how it really feels.  In all honesty with no mass or cover ups.  You'll note that for all of the people who read....none join.  Being associated with this kind of thing feels icky.  Because we are used to keeping the icky all hidden away.  Good christian families at church.  I've seen them.  I've BEEN them.  But in my case, it was at great cost.  More than I should have paid.
And I want others to know that they are not alone.  That they are the beloved of the One who crafted them so adoringly.  Who calls them by name.  I want those who read to glimpse that the pit does not hold us.  That we are going THROUGH...not TO this horrible place.
I want to give hope by showing how incredibly weak and scared and unable and questioning I am...so that they....YOU... can see HIM.  Because He is made absolutely known by being so perfect in my every weakness.  His glory is shown in how He carries, sustains and enables.  Through REAL stuff.  With REAL feelings.  And REAL hopes.
My faith....it's always there like an underlying floorboard.  It's where I step without even realizing it.  The thing that holds me up.  But, I can't say that I'm very religious.  I'm all about this beautiful love relationship in which I get to BE the beloved.  It heals me in the deepest place.  Even while I'm still going THROUGH.
You remain in my prayers.  On my heart.  I am driven to my computer.  To share with you.  To let you see me at my very worst....to hear me rant the things nobody wants to say aloud....to see me struggle....to see me hope and dream....to see me still believe......because HE needs you to know.  You are BELOVED.  Today.  No matter what you are thinking or feeling.  Hey, I used to just wish that he wouldn't make it home.....in case you haven't read that portion.  Not because I wanted bad for him, but because I was scared and stuck and nothing I did or prayed for or asked for made any difference at all.
It turns out....I wasn't stuck.  I was making a choice.  I don't advocate divorce.  I advocate doing what it takes to live a genuine, committed, fulfilling, giving, abundant life....hopefully within the marriage.  But if God needs to get me out of the way to do some things, then this is just a new chapter.
love to you.  from me.  from Him.  He adores you.  Really.
blessings.

Zephaniah 3:17...contemporary english version

The Lord your God
wins victory after victory
    and is always with you.
He celebrates and sings
    because of you,
and he will refresh your life
    with his love.”<sup>[a]




gives me goosebumps.  gives me hope.  gives me joy. blessings!</sup>

happy is what i make of what i got

“ If you can see yourself as an artist, and you can see that your life is your own creation, then why not create the most beautiful story for yourself? ” 

~Don Miguel Ruiz

Positive Outlooks Strikes Again....

In my crazy

gotta figure things out

gotta be responsible

kinda day

gotta get it together

gotta make the bacon

day

i realize

i am good

at making a life

making a living

will come.

blessings.

New Day

Emotions go through hyper speed these days as I learn to find a middle ground.  Anger to defeat to joy to rage to ecstatic to hurt to troubled....on and on and round and round.  Part of still grieving.
But this thing is happening that I am noticing.  I am learning to be more confident.  And it reminds me of who my friends of the past say I was.  I've never been popular or very outgoing, but I was confident.  And that is returning.  Part of that comes from releasing the idea that I have to or will be able to have any say in what he does or thinks or wants...and learning that it doesn't have to affect me.  To some degree, it does right now because we are still dividing things up and the emails have been long and hard.  But, I am saying what I need to say.  And then....learning to let it go.
I will be cared for.  I am being cared for.  And that's not going to change.  God has it.  He gives me abilities, ideas, hopes and dreams.  He gives me surprises.  He will make good on caring for my family.  He will guide.  He will be God.  I get an easy job.  I get to follow.  Though...sometimes.....not so easy.
It's a new day.  Following another hard night.  Those night emails crush my heart.  I had to re-read today.  In order to respond and all.  And what I realized is that they make me so nuts because on one hand, he says how he wants to help take care...but always explains why he can't right now or how he'll have to put it off.  Seriously, he can't break up his payment to Discover Card, but he finds it easy to tell me that he will have to spread out paying for our son's airline ticket over months...if he pays half, it's less than $70.  Really?  And it also bothers me that he says that he only has a certain amount in the bank when he has more than twice that.  AND gets paid this week.  AND gets paid again right after the first of the month.  But all he does is let me know how he took this cheap place to live so that he can meet his obligations.  How he is being responsible so that we can live our lifestyle.  Good....I hope that he gives me the investment money I asked him for to pay for the taxes.
It's a new day.  In more than one way.  I am learning.  Painfully and like walking through mud...but I am learning.  He has nothing to hold over me.  He isn't in charge of my salvation.  He doesn't get to choose if I stay with him.  He doesn't get a room in my head and heart anymore.  Though, it's a little hard getting his stuff moved out.;)
A new day.  For new blessings.  New gifts.  New learning.  New listening.  I have to learn to actively forgive.  I am learning, actually.  Moment by moment.  And I'm also learning how to purposefully relax.  It has not been a part of me on a daily basis for so long.  I lived for those vacations without him for that.  Now...I'm having to re-boot.  And am doing so.  By the power and grace of God.  Because I don't have to be my own strength.  I don't have to fight my own battles.  I don't have to show my own power.  I don't have to provide for my own self.  When He said, "it is finished" it meant so much.  He finished my salvation.  His grace reaches to every aspect of my heart and life.  I have nothing to fear.  I have spent too long living in fear with the one who was supposed to show me God's love....instead, he tried to use the power of religion.  And I still don't understand how I allowed this.  I spoke.  I argued.  For a time.  But just as the terrain erodes over time...I did too eventually.  Until I could barely sense who I was made to be.  But sense it I did.  By God's strength and power and grace.  And in that is where I am going to live.  Because He does not take away from who He made me to be...He just helps take away all of the things that hinder that.
A new day.  With new faithfulness.  New provision.  New hope.  Today ..........anything can happen.  That's where I need to look.  Up.
blessings.

Silly Me

I've gotta' quit clicking open my email before I go to bed.  Really.  There it was.  The response to my uncarefully worded email from this morning.  Written about when I would be getting ready to go to bed...which was generally the time he chose to deliver concerning news.  And, it wasn't great news.  Not bad...just that he totally doesn't get it about the money situation.  That he spent the whole tax refund to be sure that he wasn't in debt and then, can't pay me the part i was supposed to get umtil he pays off the last of all credit card charges from the last month.....but he wants to take care of us and do what we need.  And if our son is coming home soon he could help pay for it but it would have to be spread over months. How many things are appalling about that??? That he doesn't even know when his son is coming home?  Out of school?  Having finals?  Or that I ALREADY GOT THE TICKET!!!  I didn't ask him to pay for it. Or to figure it out.  Or to agonize over it.  All $135 I did.  Yep.  That's right.  To bring my boy home for the WHOLE summer.  Yippee!!!!
And he doesn't want to talk about me turning the rental house over to him....because it's not an asset. Ha. He is being all nice and constantly reminding me of how it's both of ours....in hopes perhaps that I will share the house I own.  Aint happening.  I get 20% of his retirement...which is currently 2500.  Yes, you read that right.  It's a matching fund.  Investment.  Anyway.....I can have it "if I want it", but it will take a long time to get it out.  Got that.
I just prayed that I would be given inspiration for how to provide for my family.  To do something that brings joy.  That I was made for.  Don't know how that is going to look, but I am sure looking forward to my heavenly daddy taking care of it.  Because this whole other thing is ridiculous.
Know what's funny?  I barely remember my last Starbuck's.  I used to go often.  An escape in the mornings.  Look...separation is a savings plan.
How can he not see that by spending the money to keep himself "safe"...he makes it harder on me.  Not on the kids, because they won't know about it.  Me thinks that he does know.  That he's smart enough to know.  That it is his way of maintaining control still.  That's fine.  In two months it's finalized.  Then, I'm done with these conversations.
He certainly wiggled around about the rental house when I said that I didn't want to have to constantly be negotiating...and that if this current work that he's going to do would be too much money, then he would just take care of it.  Wow.  Really?  It's fifty bucks, dude.  Get over yourself.
The thing is though...he sees him.  He is central.  So in some way, it makes sense to him that he should do with the money as makes him comfortable first. In his world.  A world that feels like quick sand that I am struggling to withdraw from.
Emotions.  Sex.  Money.  They all work the same for him.  And the bottom line is that they hurt me.  But strangely, I keep trying to find the good.  Not saying that he doesn't have good, I just mean that instead of just leaving it at "it hurts me," I try to find how it's MY responsibility.  And there are plenty of things that are and were.  But the majority of them.....came as an offshoot to the basic way he treated me.  Dumped stress on me, always made me feel like I should be insecure, would wait until I was exhausted and then begin a battle.  Now, I see...he's insecure.  He has things too...but the thing is that he has taken those things out on me.  But I realize...he has or hasn't done the best he can.  Probably he has.  Just doesn't even see how turned to self he is.  But, I need to be safe.  Emotionally as well as physically.
And somehow I've got to figure out this money thing so that it's not an ongoing thing.  And I've absolutely got to remember that his ideas and thoughts don't have to rule me anymore.  I have no need to be afraid.  I am.  My body responds.  Reacts.  Just seeing his email address.  But then, seeing the charming words with the twists......sounding so good and pious.  And yet....so far off.  My boy who was closest to him...turns out....maybe he wasn't.  Maybe he was just trying.  Because three separate times I've tried to get him to call his dad or do something in an evening...play Mario with him or whatever....and he has declined.  Completely.  Emphatically.  Tonight, he even said that his dad was never home by then anyway.  Hmmm.
Life is changing.  My biggest concern is to do well with the kids.  To keep a firm but very loving grip. Kind...but not a pushover.  They need me to have boundaries.  And I told them tonight that I had to do that although right now, I just want them to like me and that makes it hard.  That I need not to worry about that and to be their mom.  Tell them what to do and when to do it and to take care of any bad attitudes, tones of voice or arguing.  Interestingly....I think it was a God given time.
But on the other hand, I have to get the money together.  Can't call in the extended family.  I am going to just keep praying.  I can't even just tell people around because then it would be like telling HIS story.  All my friends...are his friends...well, mostly.  I'll just try to get a clue about exactly what I am supposed to do in my part of God's plan.
The email freaked me out.  Kept me up.  But it won't keep me up all night.  Not this time.  I'm leaving that garbage with the One who knows already.  And I'm claiming that in Him I can both lie down AND sleep.  I'm going to just relax as best I can and let the whole thing take it's course with the finances.  Whatever happens...that's just how it is.  No point stressing.
good night.
grace.