Being Still. Being Quiet.

Today has been an extremely quiet day.  And a very still day.  Very hot bath.  A nap.  I know what I SHOULD be doing, but I know also what I NEED to be doing.  That is called recovery.  And while this part of me wants to push myself and get going and get everything together, this other part simply has to sit down.  Of course, a blood vessel burst in my eye this week and so it feels much better today to be sitting still than moving all around teaching and working.  It's a gift.  So, I'm trying to enjoy it.  I know that the day will come that I'm not completely wiped out and absolutely drained.  I trust that it will.  But while I am, I have to do what it takes to get to that point.  To heal.  To be able to feel safe.  I still struggle with that.  I say "still", but really, it has only been 12 days.  This is why I knew that I couldn't do a separation that was of a specific amount of time.  I knew that I needed to just heal.  Period.  No fearing that a "deadline" was coming up.  I know that feeling all too well.  Vacations without him....having to return home.  It was a difficult way to end what could have been very relaxing.  The sheer dread.  And I don't want that in my now.  It's hard enough just as it is.
And yet.  It's also very good.  Very real.  The world is still moving....but I am in slow motion.  Nobody seems to really notice.  But to me, it's huge.  It's like my body was squeezed out.  Like a sponge.  And that I am beginning again...deciding what to soak up.  Beneficial time.  Not an easy time.
Mostly, I get to face my mounds of crap sitting in the house and around the house....alone.  That's ok.  It's hard for me to get after it.  Still hard to decide about some things.  But slowly.  Very slowly.  It's coming.  There is a neighborhood garage sale in two weeks.  Not sure that I can make that deadline.  We'll see.
It's very quiet.  Very still.  I should rest some more.  Soon....the kids will be here.  I love them.  Their energy. Lately I have what it takes.  Just right now, this eye thing....my head just is kinda foggy.  Probably all of the better food I'm eating.  I'm shutting down from a lack of junk. ;)
blessings.