You know that each of us has insecurities. The things within us that we work against. That we work to realize are not necessarily truisms....just fears of what might be true. And we learn to be courageous and face those. But sometimes, those insecurities are TRUE. Sometimes we are a bother, are not enough, are not what someone wants. Sometimes, the fact is that we are not treasured or cared about as much as we care about someone. Sometimes, our worst fears ARE the truth. And that is so hard. Because in that moment, we have decisions to make. We have to decide what we want to accomplish in who we are becoming. We have to choose a direction. And usually....it means doing it while our heart feels wounded and raw. When we are reeling from the fact that we had faced our insecurity and trusted anyway.....and THEN found out that we were not enough.
Before I got married, I knew that in the past I had struggled with being a "bother". Tossed from home to home. No continuing contact. No consistency. No place or family that was my own. Yet,I grew up and went to college. I made my own places. My own people to be with. I faced my insecurities with courage and vanquished them. For a time. And after marriage, they came back with a vengeance. Because no matter what I wanted to talk about and no matter what was important to me, my husband had a way of making it small. Making me feel like I was a bother. But, knowing myself, for a very long time, I blamed myself. Until I realized that he really treated me that way. It woke up those old feelings and made it hard in friendships. But, again, I opened up. Tried. Found some to trust. And yet, today, I realize that perhaps I really am a bother. I am too needy.
So...I have to re-evaluate AGAIN. And grow again. And cry again that somehow I didn't get it right. That I am more of an intrusion than welcome. Blah.
Sad. It was already a hard day. Stupid paperwork that husband filled out and mailed with a letter to the court of how he will support his wife and children financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically. That it's not best for the children to have a family that is not intact. But he DOESN'T support in those ways.
And then there's nobody to tell. Just have to suck it up. Let it go. He can say what he wants.
Then I got to find out that i have made a fool of myself without realizing it. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Humiliated. In front of a crowd. I'm sure that nobody knew how deeply it hurt me. Because nobody knew how hard my day had been.
So I made it through. I came home. Came in my room. Remembered that I have to decide who I want to be. And wept again. Like in childhood where you want to just be you but you're the kid that is different. How hard today was. A culmination of so much. Of so many other realizations.
I know who I want to be. But I am not her yet. My neediness is high. My hurt level is off the charts. And somehow I'm supposed to just figure it out and be able to be good at working, being a mom, being a friend etc.
Some things are just insecurities. Some things though...they are true. And they hurt. And still....we just have to get through them. So...I'll just have to get through yet another thing.
grace.
Before I got married, I knew that in the past I had struggled with being a "bother". Tossed from home to home. No continuing contact. No consistency. No place or family that was my own. Yet,I grew up and went to college. I made my own places. My own people to be with. I faced my insecurities with courage and vanquished them. For a time. And after marriage, they came back with a vengeance. Because no matter what I wanted to talk about and no matter what was important to me, my husband had a way of making it small. Making me feel like I was a bother. But, knowing myself, for a very long time, I blamed myself. Until I realized that he really treated me that way. It woke up those old feelings and made it hard in friendships. But, again, I opened up. Tried. Found some to trust. And yet, today, I realize that perhaps I really am a bother. I am too needy.
So...I have to re-evaluate AGAIN. And grow again. And cry again that somehow I didn't get it right. That I am more of an intrusion than welcome. Blah.
Sad. It was already a hard day. Stupid paperwork that husband filled out and mailed with a letter to the court of how he will support his wife and children financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically. That it's not best for the children to have a family that is not intact. But he DOESN'T support in those ways.
And then there's nobody to tell. Just have to suck it up. Let it go. He can say what he wants.
Then I got to find out that i have made a fool of myself without realizing it. I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Humiliated. In front of a crowd. I'm sure that nobody knew how deeply it hurt me. Because nobody knew how hard my day had been.
So I made it through. I came home. Came in my room. Remembered that I have to decide who I want to be. And wept again. Like in childhood where you want to just be you but you're the kid that is different. How hard today was. A culmination of so much. Of so many other realizations.
I know who I want to be. But I am not her yet. My neediness is high. My hurt level is off the charts. And somehow I'm supposed to just figure it out and be able to be good at working, being a mom, being a friend etc.
Some things are just insecurities. Some things though...they are true. And they hurt. And still....we just have to get through them. So...I'll just have to get through yet another thing.
grace.
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