Sometimes I realize why I feel so "schizo"....I have such an intense relief to not be in the situation that I allowed myself to be in for so very long. I feel the rush of having decided. Of having made the decision to live in a new way. Of having found the courage and faith to choose anew. And, at the very same time, I have a huge sense of loss. For the hopes and dreams that I'd always had. I always wanted to be a christian mom and wife. With a family that supported one another and reached out as a unit. I had desired to learn and grow and change....to keep the family fresh and vital. I had hoped for a man that would stand for me. Care about me.
So, I feel relief to have gotten to where I am. And I feel like I had to say good bye to so very much. It isn't easy. It's crushing in some ways. But, while I weep, I feel like....at least I CAN weep again. I was shutting down. Closing off. I was becoming somehow who had to do everything on automatic pilot in order to simply survive. I learned how to apologize well. All of the time. First. Quickly. Always sorry....for just being myself half of the time. THAT is not my personality...that was learned. And now I have to learn something different.
I exist...and if who I am bothers you...you can leave. I take up space....and if I am in your way.....you can move. I have hopes and dreams....if you think that they are stupid.....you can talk to yourself about it. I need to learn again that I have value. And let me tell you, this whole separation time is not exactly the greatest breeding ground for that.
People flee like mosquitoes from DEET. They back off emotionally. They don't want to be associated with being the one who endorsed or encouraged such behavior. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, I understand. But I still have to go about my adventure in life...learning what I need to learn. Though I might have to learn it all by my lonesome. That's ok. Maybe I'll learn to apologize to myself.;)
I'm getting there.....where? To the safe shelter of His arms. Of the place where I live move and have my being in Him. I might still be screwed up, but if I can be there...I'll be ok.
blessings.
So, I feel relief to have gotten to where I am. And I feel like I had to say good bye to so very much. It isn't easy. It's crushing in some ways. But, while I weep, I feel like....at least I CAN weep again. I was shutting down. Closing off. I was becoming somehow who had to do everything on automatic pilot in order to simply survive. I learned how to apologize well. All of the time. First. Quickly. Always sorry....for just being myself half of the time. THAT is not my personality...that was learned. And now I have to learn something different.
I exist...and if who I am bothers you...you can leave. I take up space....and if I am in your way.....you can move. I have hopes and dreams....if you think that they are stupid.....you can talk to yourself about it. I need to learn again that I have value. And let me tell you, this whole separation time is not exactly the greatest breeding ground for that.
People flee like mosquitoes from DEET. They back off emotionally. They don't want to be associated with being the one who endorsed or encouraged such behavior. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, I understand. But I still have to go about my adventure in life...learning what I need to learn. Though I might have to learn it all by my lonesome. That's ok. Maybe I'll learn to apologize to myself.;)
I'm getting there.....where? To the safe shelter of His arms. Of the place where I live move and have my being in Him. I might still be screwed up, but if I can be there...I'll be ok.
blessings.
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