My dear friends,
I am not Super Woman.  I am not able to ward off harm with my bracelets....though, I do really like cool bracelets.  I might get a steely gaze, but I can't seem to get that steeliness wrapped around my heart as a protection.  My body will not possibly squeeze into that tight little leotard/swimsuit outfit.  Though, I proudly did squeeze into a pair of size 8 jeans that I had purchases awhile back yesterday.  I can't run around in heels.  I adore cute shoes, but I am known for kicking them off even at school if they start to bother my feet.  I don't have  hair that never gets mussed.  Nor makeup that stays in place through a big fuss.  When I've been hurt, I cry.  Or I run away.  Or I speak my mind.  I have no special powers nor do little girls look at me and think, "I hope that I'm just like her when I grow up."  My boobs are not basically twice my waist size.  And my hips perfectly smooth.  Those pregnancies, the stress eating and time without exercise have contributed to globules of cellulite.  The tops of my legs don't end where most people's shoulders are.  As a matter of fact, I often walk on the bottoms of my jeans if I'm not wearing heels.
I am no Super Woman it turns out.  But.  I am a woman.  A good woman.  A kind woman.  A good friend.  A kick ass mom.  I have a heart that doesn't quit and a mind that works overtime to do good for my kids and friends.  I desire good.  I fight for peace.  I lift up Jesus as the One who is the "super" in my just basic woman.  Because day after day when I am pretty sure that I can't even lift up my head, He gently helps me to rise, helps to take a step, gets me in the car, takes me to work or to wherever I need to be, stays with me ALL day long and then lies down with me at night to comfort my hurting soul.  He whispers good to me when all I can seem to hear is the painful.  And He listens to me when I don't even know how to use words.  And when I falter, even when He's there to help, He never makes fun of me or lets me down.  He just reaches out, gathers me up and holds me close until I can breathe again.  He wards off the things that would hurt me with His armor....His righteousness, truth, salvation.  He gives me feet not in high heels, but that are prepared to go tell others how He carries me.  He is shown to be perfect not by my super woman qualities, but in my every weakness.
People really do want us to be a super hero.  It helps them to feel less responsible.  To think that we'll be fine.  That they have no responsibilities.  But what I'm learning is that I'm supposed to be like Him.....to walk with others, lift them up again, comfort in their despair.  Instead of heels and a leotard, I often need tennies and a hoodie.  A warm blanket.  A cup of tea.  A bowl of something warm.  A carton of ice cream.
And what else I realized?  Is that He has trained me well.  That though I am the weak one right now, I will give again.  That I still see.  That I hear.  That I care with a depth that is almost painful.  It makes life difficult.  It also makes it totally full.
So much on my plate these days.  I don't even know where to begin to tell it.  Talking about my husband's behavior is something I don't do with hardly any.  But a few.  There are a few who know.  And out of those few....maybe a handful get it.  You know, you never really know if they do or not.  But the bottom line is that all I can do is try.  And hope.  And share with the few that have been given to me as gifts from Jesus.  Him, with hands and arms.  And even when they don't get it....what I notice is....they are kind to me.  My nearly ex is simply not behaving in ways that are beneficial right now.  Getting him to understand is not easy, and maybe not possible.  But, hey, he sure is good at looking good.  Emailed last night.  He still can't hear me.  He is sorry for certain moments and such, but that is where it ends.  And being sorry should be good enough.  But he is praying.  I wish he would have been praying and helping our kids through the years.  Because I'll tell ya, it's harder to get boys to see that God is for them and a relationship is personal when they don't have a personal male role model.  But, still............I'm going to make it.  And I don't have to make him understand anymore, I just have to get him to honor my boundaries.
grace.