Don't let your fear of what could happen make nothing happen. Doe Zantamata
I read that and nearly cried. That's how my life with my husband was lived out. He did a lot of things....no risk things.....things that he was certain of.....and yet still agonized about. But big things, he just couldn't do. Could not risk the failure. So, when it had to be done, he had to let me. I don't know why. I don't know what it was that kept him from being willing to simply act. To go into the world and be willing to make mistakes. He was willing to put that on me. To make me decide. To wait so long that it would be me doing it. And if it went well....and frankly, often things in life do go well....he got to look good. And if it didn't, then he could let me shoulder the blame. Blame. Shame. I am still trying to shake them off. It's really hard. To a live that way for so long. I'm changing though. It's kinda slow. But I feel myself stronger deep inside. A place that is coming alive like the little plants hiding under last years leaves.
I am able to decide many things. To move forward. There's so much to do. He left me with the brunt of it. Take the "good stuff" that he wants and leave me to deal with the twenty years of accumulation. Afraid that I'll get rid of the pictures. Not even seeming to comprehend how much stuff there is beyond that. When I asked him to take the dresser he used instead of the one that had all of the childhood mementos stored...which I now have to go through again and figure out where to store them in the house so that they don't get ruined. Drawings and school work, report cards and cards. First outfits. The things that are the past for the children. That will make them smile one day when they go through them. Probably when I'm gone or having to leave my home. I want them to have that smile in that moment. The realization of the cherished blessing that they were and are. That I saved bits of who they were along the way. To let them remember. To let them have a history. Not that they will all want to keep them. Those some may. But because there is that good feeling that comes when you remember when you are grown how cherished each moment along the way was with you. That you were a keeper. A blessing. That keeping bits of who you were was a wonderful memory. A way to say..."we were there...together."
Today I wished that I could make anyone understand how his game works. But it took me so many years to get it. To realize how easily he manipulates. Uses to get what he wants. And today I worked on being glad that he's making time and being with the kids. But remembering how I talked him through it that last day. And telling him how I didn't want him to use these kinds of things to try to impress me or get me back. How hurtful that would be. But today, I tried to just be glad. Yet...that nagging sense. That he does things to look a certain way to get what he wants.
So, 12 hours before church tomorrow, I get a text that I can sit with the kids at church tomorrow if I'd like. As if texting at 11 pm is ok. I ask for emails. For the ability to plan. Today, he came to the house and moved the sprinklers and got one kid to take out.....and neither of them told me that the kid was leaving. I have asked to schedule a bit. To give a bit of notice. He doesn't seem to think it matters. That having them when he wants and is "available" is all that matters. So that kid? He had a chore to do. He used his dad as an excuse. Not ok. I told the kid so. That he needs to say, "I have something that I need to do, then I can go." Or, "let me check and see if it's ok if I do this later." Which......seems like a parent would know? Would ask? "Do you have anything you need to be getting done?" I guess that is what will be hard about being the every day parent. I don't just do lunch out and dinner out and then a couple of movies. I have to ask about homework. And whether job applications are done. I have to be the one to teach them how to do things. But then...nothing much has changed. Now, it's just that the disparity appears greater because it's two different households. And his gets to be the fun "oh boy, let's go do something" one. And mine gets to be "this is where we live and work and learn to treat each other well and have fun and do our homework and get the chores done." Including HIS chores, I might add...I have to do and ask the kids to do stuff regarding his chickens. Sigh.
And yet....I'm still glad. I have them all week. And I love who they are. And the chance to actually be present with them. And though it's not fair...it never has been. And though he won't plan...he never really did. Except to work. Or do projects. Nobody factored in. Unless there was time left over. That's what the family got.....leftovers. Everyone and everything got his full attention. But he couldn't have a conversation about deeper things with anyone at home. He couldn't make time. He couldn't keep his promise to build a clubhouse or put up a swing. His neglect was difficult, but what I've realized was that his jealousy of anyone else was also difficult. He was "allowed" to go and do and be involved....but he couldn't stand it from me. It required payment. He had to feel something that he never gave any of us....important..MORE important. There's that contest theme. The constant theme. Of his need to be top, best, most important.
And now he's using it other places and it makes me cringe. Now he's going to "take care of things" in other parts of our combined lives that I always had to push...and then he got the credit. And I want to scream. And I want to tell people. And the words come. But then.....really? Who looks lousy in that scenario? And he knows that. So, I just wait. Eventually the kids will be grown. Eventually I will sell this house. Eventually I won't have to worry why he spends so much energy on focusing on my friends instead of simply nurturing his own friendships. Because eventually, one way or another, it will sort itself out. Fair or not fair. It will end. That is good. And that is sad and scary. Because he can win the mr. personality contest. Because I'm not going to compete.
So much good happening. And yet this ache. This pit. This knowing. He doesn't go down easily. Even if it looks like it. It's always some scheme to get what he wants. Doesn't matter how often I say what I need. That is the lesson I have learned for sure and for certain. He works around him. And I've just got to let him. Without allowing him to make me crazy anymore. Hurts that he knows my weak points.......people. All people.
Again.....think about selling the house. Maybe he wouldn't feel like he could just come on over and do what he wants. But, the thing is that that would be yet another hard thing on the kids. My stress test is super high. My body is just finally letting down from living on super high stress hormones. All of the time. But not now. Selling when the kids are moved out would be better, I think. I know that I can't make the decision based on my moments of sheer panic over his continued presence.
So much on my heart. Yet tired. Slept two hours tonight. Just at this moment, I feel isolated in my world. Because I just don't want to compete with him. Not on any front. And it's causing me to have to keep from sharing with those who have been both of our friends. Because I see that he wants to stay.
And now a bday party is coming for a grandson. And I'll have to suck it up, I'm sure. But it makes me shake. All to much for late at night.
So....I'll just enjoy this moment. And get through another Sunday. One at a time. I used to love Sundays. I was the one that found our church. That researched. That called our old pastor. That chose the preschool for our oldest. That said we had to visit the church first....make sure it wasn't "weird". I was the one that got everyone up all of those years. Got ALL of the kids ready. I was the one who invited people home. Who made the meals. Who wanted to be hospitable. Me. But funny how he is popular. How he is so known. He's so good at that. Me? Not so much. So, now...in this hard time....he remains super involved and I feel a loss. But loss is part of life. I don't know how to fix it. Most people don't even miss me. Don't realize. And I don't want it to be a divisive thing. I miss my friends singing. Hearing their voices during worship. Alot. And my kids. Maybe that's what I needed tonight...to cry and mourn over the deepness of what I have lost. Probably. Fitting. Alone on my bed. That is pretty pathetic. ;)
The world keeps going. As do I. I will grow and adjust. I will not lose my faith. It is bedrock. It is not just show and tell. And I don't have to pick myself up....I have Someone to do that.
And to help me to lay down and sleep....in peace. Though there is a crushing sensation, there is also a sense of peace...of hope for what will come.
blessings.
I read that and nearly cried. That's how my life with my husband was lived out. He did a lot of things....no risk things.....things that he was certain of.....and yet still agonized about. But big things, he just couldn't do. Could not risk the failure. So, when it had to be done, he had to let me. I don't know why. I don't know what it was that kept him from being willing to simply act. To go into the world and be willing to make mistakes. He was willing to put that on me. To make me decide. To wait so long that it would be me doing it. And if it went well....and frankly, often things in life do go well....he got to look good. And if it didn't, then he could let me shoulder the blame. Blame. Shame. I am still trying to shake them off. It's really hard. To a live that way for so long. I'm changing though. It's kinda slow. But I feel myself stronger deep inside. A place that is coming alive like the little plants hiding under last years leaves.
I am able to decide many things. To move forward. There's so much to do. He left me with the brunt of it. Take the "good stuff" that he wants and leave me to deal with the twenty years of accumulation. Afraid that I'll get rid of the pictures. Not even seeming to comprehend how much stuff there is beyond that. When I asked him to take the dresser he used instead of the one that had all of the childhood mementos stored...which I now have to go through again and figure out where to store them in the house so that they don't get ruined. Drawings and school work, report cards and cards. First outfits. The things that are the past for the children. That will make them smile one day when they go through them. Probably when I'm gone or having to leave my home. I want them to have that smile in that moment. The realization of the cherished blessing that they were and are. That I saved bits of who they were along the way. To let them remember. To let them have a history. Not that they will all want to keep them. Those some may. But because there is that good feeling that comes when you remember when you are grown how cherished each moment along the way was with you. That you were a keeper. A blessing. That keeping bits of who you were was a wonderful memory. A way to say..."we were there...together."
Today I wished that I could make anyone understand how his game works. But it took me so many years to get it. To realize how easily he manipulates. Uses to get what he wants. And today I worked on being glad that he's making time and being with the kids. But remembering how I talked him through it that last day. And telling him how I didn't want him to use these kinds of things to try to impress me or get me back. How hurtful that would be. But today, I tried to just be glad. Yet...that nagging sense. That he does things to look a certain way to get what he wants.
So, 12 hours before church tomorrow, I get a text that I can sit with the kids at church tomorrow if I'd like. As if texting at 11 pm is ok. I ask for emails. For the ability to plan. Today, he came to the house and moved the sprinklers and got one kid to take out.....and neither of them told me that the kid was leaving. I have asked to schedule a bit. To give a bit of notice. He doesn't seem to think it matters. That having them when he wants and is "available" is all that matters. So that kid? He had a chore to do. He used his dad as an excuse. Not ok. I told the kid so. That he needs to say, "I have something that I need to do, then I can go." Or, "let me check and see if it's ok if I do this later." Which......seems like a parent would know? Would ask? "Do you have anything you need to be getting done?" I guess that is what will be hard about being the every day parent. I don't just do lunch out and dinner out and then a couple of movies. I have to ask about homework. And whether job applications are done. I have to be the one to teach them how to do things. But then...nothing much has changed. Now, it's just that the disparity appears greater because it's two different households. And his gets to be the fun "oh boy, let's go do something" one. And mine gets to be "this is where we live and work and learn to treat each other well and have fun and do our homework and get the chores done." Including HIS chores, I might add...I have to do and ask the kids to do stuff regarding his chickens. Sigh.
And yet....I'm still glad. I have them all week. And I love who they are. And the chance to actually be present with them. And though it's not fair...it never has been. And though he won't plan...he never really did. Except to work. Or do projects. Nobody factored in. Unless there was time left over. That's what the family got.....leftovers. Everyone and everything got his full attention. But he couldn't have a conversation about deeper things with anyone at home. He couldn't make time. He couldn't keep his promise to build a clubhouse or put up a swing. His neglect was difficult, but what I've realized was that his jealousy of anyone else was also difficult. He was "allowed" to go and do and be involved....but he couldn't stand it from me. It required payment. He had to feel something that he never gave any of us....important..MORE important. There's that contest theme. The constant theme. Of his need to be top, best, most important.
And now he's using it other places and it makes me cringe. Now he's going to "take care of things" in other parts of our combined lives that I always had to push...and then he got the credit. And I want to scream. And I want to tell people. And the words come. But then.....really? Who looks lousy in that scenario? And he knows that. So, I just wait. Eventually the kids will be grown. Eventually I will sell this house. Eventually I won't have to worry why he spends so much energy on focusing on my friends instead of simply nurturing his own friendships. Because eventually, one way or another, it will sort itself out. Fair or not fair. It will end. That is good. And that is sad and scary. Because he can win the mr. personality contest. Because I'm not going to compete.
So much good happening. And yet this ache. This pit. This knowing. He doesn't go down easily. Even if it looks like it. It's always some scheme to get what he wants. Doesn't matter how often I say what I need. That is the lesson I have learned for sure and for certain. He works around him. And I've just got to let him. Without allowing him to make me crazy anymore. Hurts that he knows my weak points.......people. All people.
Again.....think about selling the house. Maybe he wouldn't feel like he could just come on over and do what he wants. But, the thing is that that would be yet another hard thing on the kids. My stress test is super high. My body is just finally letting down from living on super high stress hormones. All of the time. But not now. Selling when the kids are moved out would be better, I think. I know that I can't make the decision based on my moments of sheer panic over his continued presence.
So much on my heart. Yet tired. Slept two hours tonight. Just at this moment, I feel isolated in my world. Because I just don't want to compete with him. Not on any front. And it's causing me to have to keep from sharing with those who have been both of our friends. Because I see that he wants to stay.
And now a bday party is coming for a grandson. And I'll have to suck it up, I'm sure. But it makes me shake. All to much for late at night.
So....I'll just enjoy this moment. And get through another Sunday. One at a time. I used to love Sundays. I was the one that found our church. That researched. That called our old pastor. That chose the preschool for our oldest. That said we had to visit the church first....make sure it wasn't "weird". I was the one that got everyone up all of those years. Got ALL of the kids ready. I was the one who invited people home. Who made the meals. Who wanted to be hospitable. Me. But funny how he is popular. How he is so known. He's so good at that. Me? Not so much. So, now...in this hard time....he remains super involved and I feel a loss. But loss is part of life. I don't know how to fix it. Most people don't even miss me. Don't realize. And I don't want it to be a divisive thing. I miss my friends singing. Hearing their voices during worship. Alot. And my kids. Maybe that's what I needed tonight...to cry and mourn over the deepness of what I have lost. Probably. Fitting. Alone on my bed. That is pretty pathetic. ;)
The world keeps going. As do I. I will grow and adjust. I will not lose my faith. It is bedrock. It is not just show and tell. And I don't have to pick myself up....I have Someone to do that.
And to help me to lay down and sleep....in peace. Though there is a crushing sensation, there is also a sense of peace...of hope for what will come.
blessings.
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