Many people play nice. Others are nice. I am noticing in my life that there are a few people that are absolutely, amazingly kind to me at this point. I used to be too busy to notice. I guess that I have always like encouraging and didn't really notice.....and also, perhaps things have changed. I don't really know which it is. I was pretty under water there at the end. Maybe that is what happened...maybe my simple neglect of the kind things has changed things. I have lost depth. Communication for the heck of it. I have lost responses....there's one friend that used to talk to me but now makes busy. If I write her a note on facebook, I either don't hear or get a generic response. Others are vague. Or. also don't respond at all. It kind of gives the feeling of operating in a void. Like saying something to nothingness...so begs the age old question.....then did I say it at all?
Things will continue to grow and change...to morph. All will adjust in time. Not necessarily to how I wish it was. All I can do is act how I want to be. And know that I can't do well all of the time. And just keep on walking. Because it's not my job to call them on it. Or to question their "commitment". Each one has their own stuff to work through because of me. That makes me sad. I wish I could have helped that. But I couldn't. So....onward. Facing loss and change. And facing it with the woman who is stronger and more able.
All on my mind because I don't know if I can bear church without the ability to leave. To just walk out and not visit or stay. I'm just not sure. Pretty terrifying. Some people certainly aren't shy about speaking their minds. Others who usually hug walk the other way and act like they didn't see me. That's ok. Probably don't want a "fake" hug anyway. My most recent hug was from a probably high or otherwise altered salvage yard owner. Yes, really. But don't despair. It was only a side hug. Though his fingers were very....friendly? Kinda funny. I get my kids to hug. But it's a little bit different than an adult. I am the parent. The maker righter. But still......the love is good.
I sit here in the early hours knowing......there are people that I already miss though they are still here.....and how will I make it if they decide not to be "here"? Yet, I know that I will. That I don't get to decide for them. That I don't get to choose. And that is hard. Because I want to say, "it would be best for ME if you could stay with me." But this is a time when "that doesn't work for me" is not really appropriate. Though....really.....it doesn't work for me.
And there's that part that wants to tell things that would make them change their minds. But that is not who I want to become.
So, here I am. Getting to learn to be who I should be in the fire. In the hard times. Somewhat unseen. Yet, I know that there is still love. That is the hardest part.
What a hard place. But I am glad. For me for sure. And increasingly for my kids. They will get something at least. Something they need. Maybe. Kinda. Better, at least.
blessings.
Things will continue to grow and change...to morph. All will adjust in time. Not necessarily to how I wish it was. All I can do is act how I want to be. And know that I can't do well all of the time. And just keep on walking. Because it's not my job to call them on it. Or to question their "commitment". Each one has their own stuff to work through because of me. That makes me sad. I wish I could have helped that. But I couldn't. So....onward. Facing loss and change. And facing it with the woman who is stronger and more able.
All on my mind because I don't know if I can bear church without the ability to leave. To just walk out and not visit or stay. I'm just not sure. Pretty terrifying. Some people certainly aren't shy about speaking their minds. Others who usually hug walk the other way and act like they didn't see me. That's ok. Probably don't want a "fake" hug anyway. My most recent hug was from a probably high or otherwise altered salvage yard owner. Yes, really. But don't despair. It was only a side hug. Though his fingers were very....friendly? Kinda funny. I get my kids to hug. But it's a little bit different than an adult. I am the parent. The maker righter. But still......the love is good.
I sit here in the early hours knowing......there are people that I already miss though they are still here.....and how will I make it if they decide not to be "here"? Yet, I know that I will. That I don't get to decide for them. That I don't get to choose. And that is hard. Because I want to say, "it would be best for ME if you could stay with me." But this is a time when "that doesn't work for me" is not really appropriate. Though....really.....it doesn't work for me.
And there's that part that wants to tell things that would make them change their minds. But that is not who I want to become.
So, here I am. Getting to learn to be who I should be in the fire. In the hard times. Somewhat unseen. Yet, I know that there is still love. That is the hardest part.
What a hard place. But I am glad. For me for sure. And increasingly for my kids. They will get something at least. Something they need. Maybe. Kinda. Better, at least.
blessings.
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