I must learn. How to control the wall that holds back the flood of emotions and pain. Of need. I must learn not to crack it open when it's not safe or appropriate because the pressure on the door pushes it full open and it's like holding back a tidal wave. With me, this would all be impossible. The very idea that I have to learn this, strikes fear. Because I don't want to live behind a wall. And I don't want to keep stuff sucked in. And I don't want to be hidden from those who care the most. But sometimes caring means keeping some doors closed. I guess that I need to learn to compartmentalize. I don't want to be shallow with those that are his friends too. I don't want to close them out. I don't want to hurt them. They don't have my experiences. They don't have my hurts. And they don't have to share them. And in the end, even if I learn how to do this, it still might not work. That's how life is. Sometimes, even f there is something really good, you just have to let go.
But I know the One who can manage the wall. Who can hold back the wave. Who knows my heart. Who holds me in my tears. Who hurts with me. Who knows what pain has been doled out. This morning was one of those mornings that I forgot which place I was in in life and woke up with a racing heart before calming down and realizing that it was ok.
How do I learn how to keep such significant things from those I hold most dear? I'm just not sure. I don't like shallow. But perhaps there will be a way to not be shallow but to not share these aspects which would harm them? I'm hoping so. And then there's a part of me that thinks that maybe it's too much for them and I should be kinder than making them walk through this. Perhaps what being a friend means at this juncture is disappearing. Fading gracefully away.
But I'm not there. It's not ok yet. Maybe at some point I'll know that is the case, but for now, in the midst of everything else, I will try to figure it out. I will pray for constant wisdom...and a door at my MOUTH. And I will ask that my heart be strengthened. Pretty bruised.
blessings.
But I know the One who can manage the wall. Who can hold back the wave. Who knows my heart. Who holds me in my tears. Who hurts with me. Who knows what pain has been doled out. This morning was one of those mornings that I forgot which place I was in in life and woke up with a racing heart before calming down and realizing that it was ok.
How do I learn how to keep such significant things from those I hold most dear? I'm just not sure. I don't like shallow. But perhaps there will be a way to not be shallow but to not share these aspects which would harm them? I'm hoping so. And then there's a part of me that thinks that maybe it's too much for them and I should be kinder than making them walk through this. Perhaps what being a friend means at this juncture is disappearing. Fading gracefully away.
But I'm not there. It's not ok yet. Maybe at some point I'll know that is the case, but for now, in the midst of everything else, I will try to figure it out. I will pray for constant wisdom...and a door at my MOUTH. And I will ask that my heart be strengthened. Pretty bruised.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.