When it hurts him, makes him uncomfortable, causes a problem for him...then my husband is concerned about making things better with me. Not really. I have learned the hard way that it's simply the way he works. It's all about him and he will only bother to hear or see me if it's...ironically...still about him.
My pastor's wife caught me at church today. First words out of her mouth from five feet away, "I'm not sure that I am in agreement with you." And I stopped. And said that she didn't have to agree. She didn't even have to talk to me. That I am where I am. And that I would not be dishing out all of the why's. She said that's good because she can't get involved these days because she's too busy. And then we continued to talk. And learn from one another. And it wasn't about my separation. It was about me. And her. Both moms of many. Both seeing them fly. Both very similar in how we let go. And it was fine. And ended with "remember, I am your friend. Don't disappear." Our lives could have been very similar. Except that her husband has made a different choice at some place. A choice to honor her. To see her as a person. To elevate her...and she him. I tried to elevate my husband. To respect. To give fully. But what it did was give him more leverage to hold me down and make me feel like less, not like more. How sad it is that it could have been so different. That I WANTED it to be so different. But, now I don't. It's hard when people tell me to hope for it to get better. I guess that they don't realize how long I've been holding the hope and praying and wanting. And now, better is to be separate. Even with all of the pains and hurts.
I went to worship time at church. I wasn't going. Just ran in suddenly after I dropped the kids off. Seeing as how I got the text that he would be seeing them at church. Not exactly sure when my turn will ever be. And it's like just another battle. It's just like he was in marriage. Says he'll do or give....but if i keep after it, he resents it and if I don't, he doesn't do it. I maybe I'll need to make a calendar. Just be proactive and decide. But today...today I'm just having a hard time.
I know that nobody will see without being explained to. And yet....I don't have much interest in doing so. So I guess that I've sentenced myself to being in the wrong...since he is "perfect".
It all makes me weary. I was died for. Saved. I was rescued. By God Himself. I guess I'll just have to figure out how to make it not matter what people think. Even if it hurts sometimes.
grace.
My pastor's wife caught me at church today. First words out of her mouth from five feet away, "I'm not sure that I am in agreement with you." And I stopped. And said that she didn't have to agree. She didn't even have to talk to me. That I am where I am. And that I would not be dishing out all of the why's. She said that's good because she can't get involved these days because she's too busy. And then we continued to talk. And learn from one another. And it wasn't about my separation. It was about me. And her. Both moms of many. Both seeing them fly. Both very similar in how we let go. And it was fine. And ended with "remember, I am your friend. Don't disappear." Our lives could have been very similar. Except that her husband has made a different choice at some place. A choice to honor her. To see her as a person. To elevate her...and she him. I tried to elevate my husband. To respect. To give fully. But what it did was give him more leverage to hold me down and make me feel like less, not like more. How sad it is that it could have been so different. That I WANTED it to be so different. But, now I don't. It's hard when people tell me to hope for it to get better. I guess that they don't realize how long I've been holding the hope and praying and wanting. And now, better is to be separate. Even with all of the pains and hurts.
I went to worship time at church. I wasn't going. Just ran in suddenly after I dropped the kids off. Seeing as how I got the text that he would be seeing them at church. Not exactly sure when my turn will ever be. And it's like just another battle. It's just like he was in marriage. Says he'll do or give....but if i keep after it, he resents it and if I don't, he doesn't do it. I maybe I'll need to make a calendar. Just be proactive and decide. But today...today I'm just having a hard time.
I know that nobody will see without being explained to. And yet....I don't have much interest in doing so. So I guess that I've sentenced myself to being in the wrong...since he is "perfect".
It all makes me weary. I was died for. Saved. I was rescued. By God Himself. I guess I'll just have to figure out how to make it not matter what people think. Even if it hurts sometimes.
grace.
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