Dear God,
I remember last week. I remember completely breaking down. I remember You still being there. A quivering mess without anything to offer. And yet, there You were. Still.
And, even all of those months before...when my prayers were stifled. Silenced. When I wasn't sure that I mattered enough to anyone to listen to. To hear. To care about. You were there. You held me. Listened to my heart. Instilled hope. The little ray that carried me through. No great, loud band. Nothing huge. Just that still sense that You were in the midst of it all.
I remember. And yet, I don't think that I've really thanked You enough. I don't think that I CAN ever thank You enough. For being my God. When I don't even understand how You work. For instilling faith, when I am completely emptied. For being my hope. For lighting my life so that I need not fear the darkness that used to call to me to end my life. You have changed me. You have grown me. You have pressed me on every side. But You have not abandoned me. You did not choose that life would be so hard. Nor that I would be treated in such painful ways.....but You did not allow one moment to be wasted. I see even a little bit already how You are using each day, each moment....to refine me into someone who will carry grace and compassion. Who will show courage and commitment.
It took me a long time to understand that You wouldn't hate me when I knew that my marriage was over. To know that You died for everything already. That I am beloved. Every day. Cherished. Not because I impress You but simply because of who You are.
So I thank You. I am still so close to the time of pain. I still feel it's sharpness. My breath is still taken away in sudden moments. But I see. And I hear. And I can get warm. It's a wonderful feeling. And I can do things that I was frozen from doing before. I am alive again. And I know that is Your plan: to bring life. Life abundantly.
Thank You for sending people who help me. By loving me. And even for the ones who push me away or judge or disagree. All are sharpening. Honing. Teaching. And I have much to learn.
Thank you for friends who have taught me about how You are. How kind. How interested. How gentle. In them, I see You. I feel Your heart. And I learn what it is to know that it's not what I do that earns love...it's simply that I AM.
Loving You is so small a thing. Yet, no matter where I've walked or how I've felt, You are the One thing that I have known in my very being to be true. And that fact has carried me. When I've been lost. Wandering. Blubbering. Fearing. Running. Nothing has separated me from You. And never will.
So, thank You. I owe You everything.
grace.
I remember last week. I remember completely breaking down. I remember You still being there. A quivering mess without anything to offer. And yet, there You were. Still.
And, even all of those months before...when my prayers were stifled. Silenced. When I wasn't sure that I mattered enough to anyone to listen to. To hear. To care about. You were there. You held me. Listened to my heart. Instilled hope. The little ray that carried me through. No great, loud band. Nothing huge. Just that still sense that You were in the midst of it all.
I remember. And yet, I don't think that I've really thanked You enough. I don't think that I CAN ever thank You enough. For being my God. When I don't even understand how You work. For instilling faith, when I am completely emptied. For being my hope. For lighting my life so that I need not fear the darkness that used to call to me to end my life. You have changed me. You have grown me. You have pressed me on every side. But You have not abandoned me. You did not choose that life would be so hard. Nor that I would be treated in such painful ways.....but You did not allow one moment to be wasted. I see even a little bit already how You are using each day, each moment....to refine me into someone who will carry grace and compassion. Who will show courage and commitment.
It took me a long time to understand that You wouldn't hate me when I knew that my marriage was over. To know that You died for everything already. That I am beloved. Every day. Cherished. Not because I impress You but simply because of who You are.
So I thank You. I am still so close to the time of pain. I still feel it's sharpness. My breath is still taken away in sudden moments. But I see. And I hear. And I can get warm. It's a wonderful feeling. And I can do things that I was frozen from doing before. I am alive again. And I know that is Your plan: to bring life. Life abundantly.
Thank You for sending people who help me. By loving me. And even for the ones who push me away or judge or disagree. All are sharpening. Honing. Teaching. And I have much to learn.
Thank you for friends who have taught me about how You are. How kind. How interested. How gentle. In them, I see You. I feel Your heart. And I learn what it is to know that it's not what I do that earns love...it's simply that I AM.
Loving You is so small a thing. Yet, no matter where I've walked or how I've felt, You are the One thing that I have known in my very being to be true. And that fact has carried me. When I've been lost. Wandering. Blubbering. Fearing. Running. Nothing has separated me from You. And never will.
So, thank You. I owe You everything.
grace.
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