There are a lot of things that I want to do. A lot of ways that I want to be. And that means that it's time to change some things. I must be healthier. You know....exercise....good food.....lots of fluids.....good rest. For me. For my kids. For who I am supposed to be in order to serve God. It's the first time in a long time that I really really WANT to do it. That it doesn't seem just completely overwhelming. I'm waking up.
There are other things that I have to get about too. Things that are too hard. That I need to let go. But really don't want to. I can see how relationships are going to change. I don't want to believe it. I keep hoping it can't be true. But in my soul....I know it. Things in my life are going to change. People are going to choose. And many will not choose me. Or they will want to choose both. And I wish that would work. It should...but, it doesn't really. Because it's too hard to share or not share. To know what is ok and what should be taboo. It means being on guard all of the time. It's uncomfortable at best and painful at worst. But...I keep remembering....some will stay. And even if they didn't, I know why I'm here. Though I can't even describe it adequately here. I KNOW that this had to come. Because living and thriving are important. And because he should not continue the lifestyle and habits he has displayed.
It's time to change. But, as I remind myself every day...baby steps are steps. There's a reason that babies crawl, then toddle, then walk, then run.....it takes practice and confidence. I'll get there. I'll learn to do what I have to do.
The nice part about this change is that it is to be who I am...not always trying to be someone else. And though it means cultivating good/better habits and having to figure out where others will stand...it's still positive. For the first time in as long as I can even remember, I find myself feeling....good. I mean, really good. At rest. It's hard to describe. A sense of well being that isn't permanent yet, but that is definitely growing.
I didn't know how bad it had gotten until last night for some reason, I suddenly thought, "oh no, he'll be home soon, I better get to bed...." and guess what? He might have been getting home soon, but not here. But in that moment, I shook, got totally cold. And then, it hit me......no more. Not tonight. I am safe. I am ok. My breath came back and the tears came. Thankful. Relieved.
I have to change so much. Makes me thankful to know the One who never changes. Who is always faithful. What a comfort.
blessings.
There are other things that I have to get about too. Things that are too hard. That I need to let go. But really don't want to. I can see how relationships are going to change. I don't want to believe it. I keep hoping it can't be true. But in my soul....I know it. Things in my life are going to change. People are going to choose. And many will not choose me. Or they will want to choose both. And I wish that would work. It should...but, it doesn't really. Because it's too hard to share or not share. To know what is ok and what should be taboo. It means being on guard all of the time. It's uncomfortable at best and painful at worst. But...I keep remembering....some will stay. And even if they didn't, I know why I'm here. Though I can't even describe it adequately here. I KNOW that this had to come. Because living and thriving are important. And because he should not continue the lifestyle and habits he has displayed.
It's time to change. But, as I remind myself every day...baby steps are steps. There's a reason that babies crawl, then toddle, then walk, then run.....it takes practice and confidence. I'll get there. I'll learn to do what I have to do.
The nice part about this change is that it is to be who I am...not always trying to be someone else. And though it means cultivating good/better habits and having to figure out where others will stand...it's still positive. For the first time in as long as I can even remember, I find myself feeling....good. I mean, really good. At rest. It's hard to describe. A sense of well being that isn't permanent yet, but that is definitely growing.
I didn't know how bad it had gotten until last night for some reason, I suddenly thought, "oh no, he'll be home soon, I better get to bed...." and guess what? He might have been getting home soon, but not here. But in that moment, I shook, got totally cold. And then, it hit me......no more. Not tonight. I am safe. I am ok. My breath came back and the tears came. Thankful. Relieved.
I have to change so much. Makes me thankful to know the One who never changes. Who is always faithful. What a comfort.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.