Wow, you know how much I love my technology. But these days, I have to remember that when I click open my email, it might have something hard in there. Today was like that. I don't know what it is. I just don't deal with his stuff too well right now. He's all about how the other house should be 50/50 and how much I'm going to owe him to fix some stuff this weekend. And that we have to agree together what work needs to be done or the one person who decides has to pay. He says that though I am making the payment, it is his money...so....that makes it still half his. I knew that if he gave me money that it would be like that.
Then there's the division of property...."some things are just family things and can we just keep them in the barn?" I want him to choose what he wants and take it. Or at least choose. His list is all about furniture, appliances, tools, camping equipment, pots and dishes. Really. He says not that he's demanding them...but he is leaving it open to want them later. Not gonna work for me. We should just decide and he can take what he wants. And if he can't take it right now...we can label it and box it.
He doesn't mention that he is still on my phone bill. Or my car insurance.
He says he can't pay me the extra that he is supposed to on May 1, but that he will by mid May. I have trouble understanding that.....since he'll have lots of money in the bank. But, I do understand. It is the same as it has always been. Sound all nice and innocent. But he is not.
I think about selling the house more and more. To get out from under his thumb. I hate it there. He has used it for so long. Like he's doing some big thing. He took the money that could have set him up in a house (the reason I offered it) and paid off any debt he had. He didn't give me half....so that I could pay the house taxes. When I thought he needed it, it mattered, but when he used it selfishly....well, it makes me mad. Because honestly, getting the money for the taxes is going to be tough. I can't work nights and days. Gotta raise these kids.
He did something today that he never used to do...when I said that our son has ACT's tomorrow...he asked where and if he needed a ride. It was actually shocking. We never co-parented. I always figured it out and if I had to ask him, it was a huge deal. Had to hear how busy he was etc. But now, he is trying to earn something....so, change is happening. I didn't need the help, it is at school.
He worries that I don't work enough. Why I'm not working the night shift. Can you say, "it's too much to ask?"
And here I am, spewing.....because really I need to vent. I have put up with so much for so long. I have acted nicely about it. I have tried to be happy and positive even now. But you know what? I lived for twenty years with him and there was no making him happy. He is critical and unkind. And he only changes it to get what he wants. I kept him in line by saying what was not ok with me. How to treat our house guests was huge. I finally threatened to throw him out if he ever humiliated them again. He is ultra stingy and says he's just responsible. He lies to me about money. He lies about things he needs to do. He goes and helps others but dang....I STILL don't have wall board up in my laundry room or flooring in after SEVEN years! Nor the trim on my kitchen cabinets. He will do any work so that everyone thinks that he is so good, but he will NEVER do what I ask or need. At least not without a "deal" or a battle. And I am tired. Tired of covering for him. Tired of people thinking that he is so nice. Tired of being treated so badly by him and sucking it up. Tired.
And today I am sick. And tired. Literally. And responding to his email is too much to ask tonight, but he wants it because he wants to get his paperwork notarized tomorrow and maybe he can drop off a copy.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
He won't say that the marriage is irretrievably broken, but he won't fight me on the separation. He does NOT hear me. Not a bit. He goes and meets with people...his men's group....and hears how he ought to behave and then uses it to manipulate, to get what he wants, to change my mind. To get something. That is what I knew would happen in counseling together. The very thought always made me CRINGE.
Ok, I guess I'm done gritching.
But can I just say again how it pisses me off that everyone thinks he's so nice when the nice things he did when we were married were because I initiated them. And now....now he has something to prove. The competition has kicked in.
CRAZY MAKING.
I don't have to live in it. And though nobody will get it, I'm still not going to do it anymore. Because I DO get it. FINALLY. And if everyone else walks away because I am leaving him in my past, then it'll still have to be worth it. Because if I was on my death bed, I would NOT want him there. I am done with his games. With his garbage. I want my legal papers. I want peace. I want to breathe. And NO, I don't want to keep "sharing" things. He can take some camping stuff and leave some. He can take the tools he wants. He can take the mower. He can do what he wants.
He tries to make it hard on me now. He wants to show how I can't do it. And though I don't know HOW I will, I still wish that I wasn't having to take money from him.
Cold. Shaking. Sick. And no mama still. Never. No sister. No grandma. Nobody. And I would rather have it that way for the rest of my life than ever be expected to live with him again. I will go to things that I need to go to and be polite...parties and such. I will suck it up and make it at church though he encroaches. But I will NOT be bullied anymore. Done with it.
night.
grace.
Then there's the division of property...."some things are just family things and can we just keep them in the barn?" I want him to choose what he wants and take it. Or at least choose. His list is all about furniture, appliances, tools, camping equipment, pots and dishes. Really. He says not that he's demanding them...but he is leaving it open to want them later. Not gonna work for me. We should just decide and he can take what he wants. And if he can't take it right now...we can label it and box it.
He doesn't mention that he is still on my phone bill. Or my car insurance.
He says he can't pay me the extra that he is supposed to on May 1, but that he will by mid May. I have trouble understanding that.....since he'll have lots of money in the bank. But, I do understand. It is the same as it has always been. Sound all nice and innocent. But he is not.
I think about selling the house more and more. To get out from under his thumb. I hate it there. He has used it for so long. Like he's doing some big thing. He took the money that could have set him up in a house (the reason I offered it) and paid off any debt he had. He didn't give me half....so that I could pay the house taxes. When I thought he needed it, it mattered, but when he used it selfishly....well, it makes me mad. Because honestly, getting the money for the taxes is going to be tough. I can't work nights and days. Gotta raise these kids.
He did something today that he never used to do...when I said that our son has ACT's tomorrow...he asked where and if he needed a ride. It was actually shocking. We never co-parented. I always figured it out and if I had to ask him, it was a huge deal. Had to hear how busy he was etc. But now, he is trying to earn something....so, change is happening. I didn't need the help, it is at school.
He worries that I don't work enough. Why I'm not working the night shift. Can you say, "it's too much to ask?"
And here I am, spewing.....because really I need to vent. I have put up with so much for so long. I have acted nicely about it. I have tried to be happy and positive even now. But you know what? I lived for twenty years with him and there was no making him happy. He is critical and unkind. And he only changes it to get what he wants. I kept him in line by saying what was not ok with me. How to treat our house guests was huge. I finally threatened to throw him out if he ever humiliated them again. He is ultra stingy and says he's just responsible. He lies to me about money. He lies about things he needs to do. He goes and helps others but dang....I STILL don't have wall board up in my laundry room or flooring in after SEVEN years! Nor the trim on my kitchen cabinets. He will do any work so that everyone thinks that he is so good, but he will NEVER do what I ask or need. At least not without a "deal" or a battle. And I am tired. Tired of covering for him. Tired of people thinking that he is so nice. Tired of being treated so badly by him and sucking it up. Tired.
And today I am sick. And tired. Literally. And responding to his email is too much to ask tonight, but he wants it because he wants to get his paperwork notarized tomorrow and maybe he can drop off a copy.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
He won't say that the marriage is irretrievably broken, but he won't fight me on the separation. He does NOT hear me. Not a bit. He goes and meets with people...his men's group....and hears how he ought to behave and then uses it to manipulate, to get what he wants, to change my mind. To get something. That is what I knew would happen in counseling together. The very thought always made me CRINGE.
Ok, I guess I'm done gritching.
But can I just say again how it pisses me off that everyone thinks he's so nice when the nice things he did when we were married were because I initiated them. And now....now he has something to prove. The competition has kicked in.
CRAZY MAKING.
I don't have to live in it. And though nobody will get it, I'm still not going to do it anymore. Because I DO get it. FINALLY. And if everyone else walks away because I am leaving him in my past, then it'll still have to be worth it. Because if I was on my death bed, I would NOT want him there. I am done with his games. With his garbage. I want my legal papers. I want peace. I want to breathe. And NO, I don't want to keep "sharing" things. He can take some camping stuff and leave some. He can take the tools he wants. He can take the mower. He can do what he wants.
He tries to make it hard on me now. He wants to show how I can't do it. And though I don't know HOW I will, I still wish that I wasn't having to take money from him.
Cold. Shaking. Sick. And no mama still. Never. No sister. No grandma. Nobody. And I would rather have it that way for the rest of my life than ever be expected to live with him again. I will go to things that I need to go to and be polite...parties and such. I will suck it up and make it at church though he encroaches. But I will NOT be bullied anymore. Done with it.
night.
grace.
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