Satisfaction

I get satisfaction from some very basic seeming things.  Having groceries put away....the cupboards full......choices of food.  And, having my bills paid up and hopefully in advance.  I don't like to think about or worry about such things.  Perhaps this is why I am loving my online bill paying.  I can zap it paid and be done and worry free.  Because, I am not a great organizer of loads of paperwork.  And I don't like having to look in that "aaahhh, where did I put that bill?" kind of mentality.  It brings me peace of mind to know what I've paid and what I have left.  And sometimes, I have to pay less or do less...and I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with simple groceries.  I'm ok with having to make payments if I have to.  I'm pretty relaxed.  But what feels good right now is knowing that I'm not ever going to be bullied again.  Because that was killer.  All of the time.  Held over my head.  And if I bought something, it was frowned upon.  And questioned.  I started shaking just writing about it.  Wow.  Talk about stress response.  It was a long, long time of a weird kind of abuse.  A kind where a person makes you chronically feel desperate and like an over spender...though I've never been a huge spender.  I do make choices.  I like that fact about money.....CHOICE.  Steak or burgers or beans?  Well, that depends on what else we will get to do.  We can put more money away if we eat beans at least part of the time.  I want my kids to glory in this.  To know that you don't have to stash it ALL away.  That you don't have to live in constant dread or worry.  I want them to learn to thank God for things. For what they need.  I want them not to feel awkward asking for things.
It is changing.  A little bit.  Yesterday was a very good day with them.  We were fixing the printer when I said that I had to reset it because that day that I had to take things all apart, I must have unhooked the wireless and not reset it.....and my one son smiled and said, "THAT day?  What day would that be mom?  Hmmmm?" And then we all just laughed and said what a weird day that way.  The day their dad moved out.  And I was scared that day.  Not for me.  Not about money.  Scared for my kids.  That I wouldn't screw them up.  But, what is happening is that I am able to be present again.  To talk.  To get what I need so that I'm not running on empty when it comes to them.  It turns out that there are some really good things.  And that I am peaceful. Or, at least, MORE peaceful.  And that is the other thing that brings me satisfaction.  Peace.  That sense of well-being.  Especially when I see it in my kids.
It's funny how I got so messed up about who I was.  My husband acted like I was so difficult to please.  I'm actually very easy to please.  I just don't function in disharmony and constant stress.  I am not a worrier by nature.  So always trying to make everything ok for him really wore on me.  I tried so hard monetarily.  Saving was never enough......There was nothing that made him feel like he had enough.  He never felt like everything was going to be ok.  But it is.  It's ok.  God has it.  I trust Him.  I do my part.  And I work on learning to relax again.  Like I once was.  That feeling of being safe in His arms.  Knowing that I walk in His ways.  And that He takes delight in me.  Love that word still!!!  DELIGHT!!!!
I am finding my balance.  Finding satisfaction in my little ways.
Ok, so I also take satisfaction in a semblance of order....which we have not achieved yet.  Our house looks like the white trash house of the neighborhood.  Bad enough that my kids told me that I would have to go get pizza because we COULD NOT have the pizza delivery guy see our porch!! Ha.  You know that's bad.  But, I still have a sense of satisfaction that we are on our way.  Figuring it out.  And that we will get the garbage off the porch....and that we will put things back together....in a new way.  It just takes time to figure out.
blessings.