Well, today, I survived church. I went for a whole service. My nearly ex sat several rows behind...it would have been nicer if he had gone somewhere else, but hey, what can ya do? I had on a sweater and covered up with another. It probably wasn't cold in there,but it was to me.
Nice people. Mostly. Some just don't talk to me at all. Such is life. Kids and I went to the grocery store. To get gas. The game store. Then home. For our lasagna and our fresh pineapple and the delish grilled garlic bread. MMmmmm mmmm. And orange juice. And that's where the day got a little strange. My 17 year old started making this big deal about the orange juice and how he could water it down for us. And dumped out the drop in his sister's glass into his glass to "not waste". He was mimicking his dad. In a code sort of way. Like he was trying to let me know what he noticed. It was actually amusing. In some weird way. Because it was like he was reminding me what we lived with. It was his goofball way of encouraging me. Then, we took him to deliver some homework to a friend and to get a haircut.
He can be quite snotty these days. He can try me to the end of whatever....and does. He threatened that he could just go live with dad within the first week. And found it amusing. Not me...I cried...not when he was around. But he gets so much. He doesn't know what to do with it. I can't and won't say bad things about his dad to him...but it's like he's looking for understanding. For a sharing of our experiences. He knows. And I needed that today. In some weird and totally not very nice way probably. But still, I did.
Today, I wanted to talk to a friend. To put out there how relieved I am that he is gone. How that feels so much like I should be feeling wrong about it...but I don't. It's such a relief not to deal with all of his stuff.
Of course, today was about the body and unity today....and I thought on that a lot. And then the pastor said "unity, not uniformity," and it clicked. The reason that I couldn't make it is that he can't stand me not being him...like him....choosing what he chooses......thinking like he thinks......uniform. And the pastor went on to say that uniformity destroys the body. That we NEED the differences. Some would say I'm rationalizing, but I believe that that is what God had to say to me today. Because, strangely, my previous blog from BEFORE I went to church was about unity within the church and using the differences to make us all whole.
I am a little worried. Because I don't know how his cycling is going to work now. Now that we are apart. I'm hoping that it will be directed elsewhere. But, hard to know.
I'm proud that I was brave today. Proud that I did what I was scared to do. And I'm tired.
Gotta do some cleaning.
blessings.
Nice people. Mostly. Some just don't talk to me at all. Such is life. Kids and I went to the grocery store. To get gas. The game store. Then home. For our lasagna and our fresh pineapple and the delish grilled garlic bread. MMmmmm mmmm. And orange juice. And that's where the day got a little strange. My 17 year old started making this big deal about the orange juice and how he could water it down for us. And dumped out the drop in his sister's glass into his glass to "not waste". He was mimicking his dad. In a code sort of way. Like he was trying to let me know what he noticed. It was actually amusing. In some weird way. Because it was like he was reminding me what we lived with. It was his goofball way of encouraging me. Then, we took him to deliver some homework to a friend and to get a haircut.
He can be quite snotty these days. He can try me to the end of whatever....and does. He threatened that he could just go live with dad within the first week. And found it amusing. Not me...I cried...not when he was around. But he gets so much. He doesn't know what to do with it. I can't and won't say bad things about his dad to him...but it's like he's looking for understanding. For a sharing of our experiences. He knows. And I needed that today. In some weird and totally not very nice way probably. But still, I did.
Today, I wanted to talk to a friend. To put out there how relieved I am that he is gone. How that feels so much like I should be feeling wrong about it...but I don't. It's such a relief not to deal with all of his stuff.
Of course, today was about the body and unity today....and I thought on that a lot. And then the pastor said "unity, not uniformity," and it clicked. The reason that I couldn't make it is that he can't stand me not being him...like him....choosing what he chooses......thinking like he thinks......uniform. And the pastor went on to say that uniformity destroys the body. That we NEED the differences. Some would say I'm rationalizing, but I believe that that is what God had to say to me today. Because, strangely, my previous blog from BEFORE I went to church was about unity within the church and using the differences to make us all whole.
I am a little worried. Because I don't know how his cycling is going to work now. Now that we are apart. I'm hoping that it will be directed elsewhere. But, hard to know.
I'm proud that I was brave today. Proud that I did what I was scared to do. And I'm tired.
Gotta do some cleaning.
blessings.
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