This has been an interesting week. Emotions all over the place. But, learning to choose not to live based on that. Living by choice. Living by faith. I allow myself my anger. And I allow myself to get over it. I allow myself my hurt. And I allow myself to get over it. I allow myself my joy. And I try to let it infuse all of the other feelings. It's a scary, painful time. And ridiculously good feeling. Because it's like I am able again to put on the armor. Able again to listen to His voice. Able to rest when I need it.
Last night I laid down after dinner. Dozed. About 8 I went and told the kids good night and by 8:20, I was back in bed for the night. Not hiding. Not depressed. Just finally able to rest. Really rest.
I am choosing healing. One little part at a time. Part of it is doing this house. Another part is figuring things out. Another part is remembering what was so hurtful and yet letting him go on and live. He has more than 2500 in the bank. He will get paid nearly 2000 again this month before he owes his rent. He left me all of the bills. Even the overdue ones. He didn't make the house payment. He kept the tax refund and says he'll get me the 750 next month when he can afford it. He owes me 900 again this weekend. Hope he pays it soon. I'm not desperate. I'm just........floored. Things become so much clearer. I know that he left those bills on purpose. Making it as hard as possible. So that I will have to have him rescue me.
I don't want to work the next night shift. It begins in 6 days. I am just not ready. But perhaps it is wise. I'm going to pray over the weekend and see how I feel about it after that.
He sure has big words and little giving. Maybe he's saving up so that he can quit his job. Because that is what he said he wants to do.......after all of these years of me thinking that he should do something else, he waits until he owes a certain amount of money and THEN he says that he wants to get a different job and he'll make less money.
What he doesn't know is that my healing is not coming from his taking care of me. It's coming from God promising to take care of me and doing it generously and with kindness.
I bought the ticket to bring my son home from college at the end of the month. I don't think I'll ever "bill" him for things like that. Just don't think that I can do it.
I choose healing. I choose moving on. I choose a new life. A new real place. Something that has only been in my hopes for so long. Times with my kids. Open. Talking. Messing around. Gentleness. Learning together. Having the energy and ability to pray for them. To guide them. I am finding that increasing. What a blessing. I am not so lost. I still struggle. But my heart is lighter. My soul is brighter.
Choosing. Healing. Living.
blessings.
Last night I laid down after dinner. Dozed. About 8 I went and told the kids good night and by 8:20, I was back in bed for the night. Not hiding. Not depressed. Just finally able to rest. Really rest.
I am choosing healing. One little part at a time. Part of it is doing this house. Another part is figuring things out. Another part is remembering what was so hurtful and yet letting him go on and live. He has more than 2500 in the bank. He will get paid nearly 2000 again this month before he owes his rent. He left me all of the bills. Even the overdue ones. He didn't make the house payment. He kept the tax refund and says he'll get me the 750 next month when he can afford it. He owes me 900 again this weekend. Hope he pays it soon. I'm not desperate. I'm just........floored. Things become so much clearer. I know that he left those bills on purpose. Making it as hard as possible. So that I will have to have him rescue me.
I don't want to work the next night shift. It begins in 6 days. I am just not ready. But perhaps it is wise. I'm going to pray over the weekend and see how I feel about it after that.
He sure has big words and little giving. Maybe he's saving up so that he can quit his job. Because that is what he said he wants to do.......after all of these years of me thinking that he should do something else, he waits until he owes a certain amount of money and THEN he says that he wants to get a different job and he'll make less money.
What he doesn't know is that my healing is not coming from his taking care of me. It's coming from God promising to take care of me and doing it generously and with kindness.
I bought the ticket to bring my son home from college at the end of the month. I don't think I'll ever "bill" him for things like that. Just don't think that I can do it.
I choose healing. I choose moving on. I choose a new life. A new real place. Something that has only been in my hopes for so long. Times with my kids. Open. Talking. Messing around. Gentleness. Learning together. Having the energy and ability to pray for them. To guide them. I am finding that increasing. What a blessing. I am not so lost. I still struggle. But my heart is lighter. My soul is brighter.
Choosing. Healing. Living.
blessings.
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