Here it is. Sunday lunch time. And I let the kids go with their dad...though he was texting me at ten minutes before we were walking out the door. Though he never wanted to do so before. Though he really didn't ask...he said he was going to ask. So...I said that they would like to. He is not doing very much to speak with them. I wanted it for them. But then...I don't know. It's just all so much. He has this way of being mr. goodguy perfect WHILE making me crazy. He didn't plan on seeing them at all today. Except for being sure that I was going to bring them to church. He said that he would be at our house in ten minutes to pick them up for sunday school....say WHAT? I said no thanks.
You know...through our lives, I was the one that got us to church. That chose that we went. That got us out the door. I was the one who made plans. He never cared to. And now.....he doesn't go off and do his OWN. It's like he's trying to take mine. It hurts. A lot. Deeply. It's not like I can ask others to refrain. I have to allow him to do what he is doing and still find a way to survive. I'm not quite sure how.
Yesterday it was needing to help a friend so he needed to get in the house. Then he was in the house to leave a folder on the counter for me. I don't know how to make him honor any boundaries because I've never been able to...so how can I do it now? I ask. He does what he wants. He will say ok if he thinks he looks good...especially to others...then....he'll do what he wants. It's insanely crazy making. But to others he makes sure he looks so good.
I do think it a little hysterical that he is taking all the kids out to lunch. He's so cheap that the last time he was taking me out for a special occasion, I had a choice of two places. One he has a coupon for 2 for 1. The other he had been given a gift card for. He is so much cheaper than others know. Not frugal. He is hurtful about it. If the kids order and don't eat it...it's a big deal. Embarrassingly so.
I am just struggling with the pulling apart the others in life. He is suddenly much more interested and involved. And how do you say, "he's just doing that because it makes him look good?" You don't. You just figure out how to survive and let him live his lie. Because eventually he'll get tired or give it up because it's not getting from me what he wants. It's this thing that he has done....do something to get what he wants. Give it up when he does. It just involves more people now because he has to use them to try to get me "back in line." It wears me out.
And some days I realize how little others know. How that is how it should be and yet how hard that makes it all. I realize how alone I am among my friends. Because he will get to look wounded and like a victim while I get to be the one who sent him away and filed papers. All to his advantage. You know, I asked him for years to talk to the pastor or others...to get help....to figure some things out. And he finally did. To tell them that I am making him leave. It's ludicrous. I know it. I'm certain of it. And yet.....it still hurts. I wish that I could pack up my friends and not let him play with them. But they are not my toys. They are their own people. And I have to let it go. Somehow.
So. I had a yogurt here at home. I've had a nap. I've written. And I think that I'll go get something to eat. But I am truly tired of having to try so hard. Of having to ask. Of having to make things ok. It's pretty lonely. Not that I want the other life. I don't. I would rather start from a better foundation. But that doesn't take away the sadness of people simply looking through me. Of being the inviter. Not the invited. But I have allowed that. And now I have to live with it. So.
First a cry. Then a day of purpose.
Seems to be rather common these days.
blessings.
You know...through our lives, I was the one that got us to church. That chose that we went. That got us out the door. I was the one who made plans. He never cared to. And now.....he doesn't go off and do his OWN. It's like he's trying to take mine. It hurts. A lot. Deeply. It's not like I can ask others to refrain. I have to allow him to do what he is doing and still find a way to survive. I'm not quite sure how.
Yesterday it was needing to help a friend so he needed to get in the house. Then he was in the house to leave a folder on the counter for me. I don't know how to make him honor any boundaries because I've never been able to...so how can I do it now? I ask. He does what he wants. He will say ok if he thinks he looks good...especially to others...then....he'll do what he wants. It's insanely crazy making. But to others he makes sure he looks so good.
I do think it a little hysterical that he is taking all the kids out to lunch. He's so cheap that the last time he was taking me out for a special occasion, I had a choice of two places. One he has a coupon for 2 for 1. The other he had been given a gift card for. He is so much cheaper than others know. Not frugal. He is hurtful about it. If the kids order and don't eat it...it's a big deal. Embarrassingly so.
I am just struggling with the pulling apart the others in life. He is suddenly much more interested and involved. And how do you say, "he's just doing that because it makes him look good?" You don't. You just figure out how to survive and let him live his lie. Because eventually he'll get tired or give it up because it's not getting from me what he wants. It's this thing that he has done....do something to get what he wants. Give it up when he does. It just involves more people now because he has to use them to try to get me "back in line." It wears me out.
And some days I realize how little others know. How that is how it should be and yet how hard that makes it all. I realize how alone I am among my friends. Because he will get to look wounded and like a victim while I get to be the one who sent him away and filed papers. All to his advantage. You know, I asked him for years to talk to the pastor or others...to get help....to figure some things out. And he finally did. To tell them that I am making him leave. It's ludicrous. I know it. I'm certain of it. And yet.....it still hurts. I wish that I could pack up my friends and not let him play with them. But they are not my toys. They are their own people. And I have to let it go. Somehow.
So. I had a yogurt here at home. I've had a nap. I've written. And I think that I'll go get something to eat. But I am truly tired of having to try so hard. Of having to ask. Of having to make things ok. It's pretty lonely. Not that I want the other life. I don't. I would rather start from a better foundation. But that doesn't take away the sadness of people simply looking through me. Of being the inviter. Not the invited. But I have allowed that. And now I have to live with it. So.
First a cry. Then a day of purpose.
Seems to be rather common these days.
blessings.
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