Words

I worked so long to be able to get my words out.  To say what was happening.  And when I did, it was like a flood.  Like I couldn't close them back.  A rush.  A flow.  The relief from being held in for so long was intense.  But now I am learning to put them away.  Not very well yet.  It's slow going for me.  I keep messing it up.  Not sure how to draw the line.  I feel all nervous.  Uncertain.  Like I'm not sure what filter to use.
I can't give up some parts.  Like saying that I'm hurting.  I am hurting this week.  A lot.  It has been a tough week.  Lots of prayer time though....good part of being so sick.  I am hurting from being sick and I am hurting from dealing with the garbage each and every day.  And I am hurting with the grief of loss of family past and present.  It has been a rough week.  Lot of salt water flowing.  Slobbery face and all.  But it is healing.  It is freeing.  To know that I don't have to make my point.  That I don't have to fix it.  That I am provided for.  Protected.  And that though I feel vulnerable, I have HIS armor.  He has given me time to rest....and though I NEED to work, I trust that He knows more about what I really need.  I will rest in that.
But I am going to miss speaking.  It let out the infection.  It allowed things to get cleaned out.  Just where I am.  And....as I am most fond of thinking these days, "it is what it is."  Nothing I have to change.  All I have to do is figure out where I fit in to what I'm supposed to be learning and doing.
I do miss grown ups this week.  Didn't realize how much until tonight.  That's what happens when you stay in your house.
Not sure how I'll learn this part...but I'm confident that if I need to, I will.  I'm able.  I'm willing.  I'm caring.  I'm amazing.
blessings.