At Peace

Calm.  Still.  Content.  At peace.  This morning has been full of thoughts and prayers.  For me.  For those I love.  For those of you that I have never even met.  Sometimes, an act of worship can be making a meal while praying.  And God can be found right there in the kitchen.  This I am learning.  I don't plan on staying away from church forever.  But, I want to go for the right and real reasons.  Being a christian was never simply a lifestyle for me.  It was absolutely who I was.  It wasn't to dress up on Sunday.  It wasn't just to see people.  It wasn't because that's just what you are supposed to do.  It was because there is good in a real and meaningful relationship with the living God.  But, I allowed these circumstances of my life to take away that passion.  I allowed so much.  It's easy to point out why.....to give myself an easy out of being responsible.  But, no matter how my husband felt, no matter how he behaved, no matter what he did....I am responsible for me.  For my actions.  For my decisions.  That said.....peace has come in knowing that I am NOT responsible for his actions or inactions.  Not my job.  Not anything that God holds me accountable for. 
This morning, I wept over one of my sons.  He is in a tough place.  And while I can do some things, I can't do enough because I am not a man.  He has been hurt by the men he has respected.  He is injured.  He is angry.  And I can't fix it.  But, he has to still be responsible for his decisions and actions.  I ache for him down to my very deep insides.  But, I will remain his mama.  I will walk with him through this.  And I will have high expectations.  I will not allow him to be content with blaming.  I refuse.  I will not allow him to grow into a man who places responsibility for his actions on the way he was treated by others.  No, I will pray him through.  I will hold a high standard.  I will love without reserve.  And, though I can't make it better, I know that with God all things are possible....and that for those who are called, He works all things for good.  I choose good for my son.  It might not be today.  But, I choose to not excuse or allow those things which tear down......which debilitate his character.  I will be strong.  I will be loving.  I am strong.  I am loving. 
So, I am at peace taking my own responsibility.  Owning it and no other.  And, for the parts that I have chosen that are sinful, wrong, hurtful, malicious, unkind, impatient.....I put those with Jesus and will choose to remember that I am still forgiven.  And for those parts where I have been harmed, I will choose to live instead of dwell in hurt.  Hard when it's daily.  But it IS possible.  Not just a positive self thinking game.  It's grace.  It's mercy.  Even towards myself. 
My life is not about making others happy nor comfortable.  It's not about being sure that they like me or understand me.  My life is about being a sample product of what the Creator of all can do in a simple life.  In each life.  One at a time.  Even in my life.  I am like a bulletin board advertising His gifts and attributes. And....somehow, that brings me peace. 
grace to you.