A call came on my phone today from an out of state number. I answered. It was the book publishing company that is co-sponsoring the contest I've entered. Caught me by surprise. That's putting it very mildly. Because they called to question me about my book plans. About what I planned to write. How far along etc. I asked to talk to them later. I totally froze. Clammed up. Began shaking. Because the call began, "hi, this is (my husband's name) regarding your book. Do you have time to talk to me?" Seriously? What is the likelihood of that. Talk about an attack. That and the fact that just this morning I decided that I have three different directions going and that I am going to write through each one over some time and see which one shows some possibility.
But, I want to cry. I want his criticism out of my head. I want to focus on what is good and excellent and worthy of praise. But, it's like walking in the yard and stepping in dog poop by accident....you really don't expect it, but the stench lingers after the event. Though you move on. Though you try to clean it off of your shoe. You get in the car...it's still there. You go into work, and the scent lingers. And, his disbelief in my dream, his constant showing of how I am not up to par.....is exactly like that. It's....embarrassing......although, I did nothing wrong.
I want to write a "real" book. Raw. About what happens. Even when we pray. Even when we try. That not all happy endings look the same. But, now, I have stage fright. Need a pep talk, but it's just me. Don't know what to do. The publisher asked me to call him back at my convenience. I just don't know what to say. Do I talk about my "fluff", happy feelings book.....about the goodness and beauty of God...which I write about often? Or, do I go for it and write what might actually help someone who really needs a "friend". As it is, I can't write at this moment. Frozen. I'll work for awhile and pray. And see if I can get past the stench that has permeated my day.
It always surprises me how much power he has over me. I was always a strong woman who not only coped, but thrived. What did I allow? And why? Because I prostituted myself to buy "love". That's the bottom line. I gave up the very heart of who I was because I thought that it would buy me love and acceptance. And, I did so because I truly believed that that is what God wanted from me....even demanded from me. I thought that being submissive meant putting myself aside. No, not always obedient, but second. And, I am always beneath him. In his eyes. He thrives on showing how I can't handle or do something as well as he can. He makes me feel lousy about myself. That's how he feels better about himself. It's not him that I have to be free from...it's my allowing him to have that power. That place that should only belong to someone who uplifts and cherishes. It's MY decision. While it's hard to break the pattern, it IS a choice.
But it sure is hard to "fight" the lie when I am shaking and weepy and weak and struggling. So, I'll go do one of the other things he thinks I don't do well.....and gain back the power to be me. Because I want to be. Not because I have to prove something.
grace to you.
But, I want to cry. I want his criticism out of my head. I want to focus on what is good and excellent and worthy of praise. But, it's like walking in the yard and stepping in dog poop by accident....you really don't expect it, but the stench lingers after the event. Though you move on. Though you try to clean it off of your shoe. You get in the car...it's still there. You go into work, and the scent lingers. And, his disbelief in my dream, his constant showing of how I am not up to par.....is exactly like that. It's....embarrassing......although, I did nothing wrong.
I want to write a "real" book. Raw. About what happens. Even when we pray. Even when we try. That not all happy endings look the same. But, now, I have stage fright. Need a pep talk, but it's just me. Don't know what to do. The publisher asked me to call him back at my convenience. I just don't know what to say. Do I talk about my "fluff", happy feelings book.....about the goodness and beauty of God...which I write about often? Or, do I go for it and write what might actually help someone who really needs a "friend". As it is, I can't write at this moment. Frozen. I'll work for awhile and pray. And see if I can get past the stench that has permeated my day.
It always surprises me how much power he has over me. I was always a strong woman who not only coped, but thrived. What did I allow? And why? Because I prostituted myself to buy "love". That's the bottom line. I gave up the very heart of who I was because I thought that it would buy me love and acceptance. And, I did so because I truly believed that that is what God wanted from me....even demanded from me. I thought that being submissive meant putting myself aside. No, not always obedient, but second. And, I am always beneath him. In his eyes. He thrives on showing how I can't handle or do something as well as he can. He makes me feel lousy about myself. That's how he feels better about himself. It's not him that I have to be free from...it's my allowing him to have that power. That place that should only belong to someone who uplifts and cherishes. It's MY decision. While it's hard to break the pattern, it IS a choice.
But it sure is hard to "fight" the lie when I am shaking and weepy and weak and struggling. So, I'll go do one of the other things he thinks I don't do well.....and gain back the power to be me. Because I want to be. Not because I have to prove something.
grace to you.
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