Safe. Loved. Blessed. Cared for. Worth it.
That's as far as I got before I started having trouble. Because really, tonight I am just beginning to relax. I ran away from home at age 46. A little sad. And really wonderful. It's as if the air in the hotel room has more oxygen in it. I only wish that I had two nights so that tomorrow morning I wouldn't have to get up and get going. But, regardless, I have tonight to be free.
He was angry. He couldn't give this to me. Couldn't say, "go and have a good time. I hope it's relaxing." Nope, that couldn't happen. Too bad. Because if he knew me at all after all of these years he would know that this is how I've always been. Needing quiet times. Needing to be left to myself. Needing to not be stressed. I have been so stressed.
Learning that needing and being jealous do not equal love. Not in any way. But I'm also learning that even though he has it confused that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth it. Well, learning...not have learned. Because sometimes I wonder why. And I wonder why he couldn't give. And I wonder why he wants to hold on and make me stay when he knows how horribly depressed I am. Hurts me.
And I have a place that I can cry tonight. And laugh. And write. And sleep. And not for anyone else. Just for me. Sounds selfish. But, it's actually a gift to all....taking care of me so that I can be a better mom, employee and friend. Because I have been pretty over the edge all week.
In the midst of it all, though it is so hard, though I am so sad, I am not suicidal nor in any way giving up. Tired? Desperately so. But not beaten. Nope. For He who is in me is stronger than he who is in the world. Yep. That's good news.
grace to you.
That's as far as I got before I started having trouble. Because really, tonight I am just beginning to relax. I ran away from home at age 46. A little sad. And really wonderful. It's as if the air in the hotel room has more oxygen in it. I only wish that I had two nights so that tomorrow morning I wouldn't have to get up and get going. But, regardless, I have tonight to be free.
He was angry. He couldn't give this to me. Couldn't say, "go and have a good time. I hope it's relaxing." Nope, that couldn't happen. Too bad. Because if he knew me at all after all of these years he would know that this is how I've always been. Needing quiet times. Needing to be left to myself. Needing to not be stressed. I have been so stressed.
Learning that needing and being jealous do not equal love. Not in any way. But I'm also learning that even though he has it confused that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth it. Well, learning...not have learned. Because sometimes I wonder why. And I wonder why he couldn't give. And I wonder why he wants to hold on and make me stay when he knows how horribly depressed I am. Hurts me.
And I have a place that I can cry tonight. And laugh. And write. And sleep. And not for anyone else. Just for me. Sounds selfish. But, it's actually a gift to all....taking care of me so that I can be a better mom, employee and friend. Because I have been pretty over the edge all week.
In the midst of it all, though it is so hard, though I am so sad, I am not suicidal nor in any way giving up. Tired? Desperately so. But not beaten. Nope. For He who is in me is stronger than he who is in the world. Yep. That's good news.
grace to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.