Safety

Today my mind works better.  Today the sun is brighter.  Today I feel like I can get some things done.  Today, he is gone.  Yesterday morning was difficult, but thinking in the shower today, I realized that it wasn't as bad as it used to be.  Yes, I was freezing.  Yes, we went through every manipulative motion, yes, I was left holding the bag.  Yet, in the light of this new day, I see that his power is diminishing.  That he doesn't live in my head as much.  That I am learning to hear different voices.  That I am learning to live a safer life. 
He accused me that love wasn't love at all if I could quit.  I said that I could love him but love him differently....and choose to love myself as well.  He disagreed.  He also said that forgiveness meant putting things behind and never bringing them up again.  I agreed.  But, I amended it that if someone continually does the same thing then it continually comes up again...and if the person chooses to hurt you over and over then forgiveness can mean moving to an emotional place where they can't cause more pain.  That maybe it's better to do that than to move to bitterness and hatred. 
He cried.  About him.  Always about him.  I don't think he has ever cried or hurt over anyone but him.  And that saddens me.  He said that it was just because he wasn't as mature as he is now.  Wow.  If this is the mature part then I wonder why we are still playing all of the same tapes.  I didn't say so.  I didn't need to inflict shame.  I know what that feels like.  It's not kind.
I told him that I could be nice.  That I could be kind.  But not to confuse that with everything being ok or the same.  That I could be the person I want to become and not simply someone responding to circumstances. 
For some reason, he scares me.  He has never hit me.  Yet, he has used opportunities to tell me that he will always win physically....holding me down....laughing at me for being "weak".  For some very strange reason, that is bothering me. Maybe it is because I know how very competitive he is.  He hates to lose. 
On top of it all, I'm dealing with "fires" all around me these last couple of days.  Troubles.  Young adults that need help and hope.  But, bottom line, need to be released to grow up and fly.  One is making dangerous, defiant choices.  The other is making stupid choices and then trying to make everyone else pay the consequences instead of allowing himself the treasured experience of actually making it through.  But, with  neither of them do I really have any say.  I can only try to encourage them to hear wisdom.  To trust that there is a God who meets their needs and that constantly depending on other people to cover for them is not good for anyone.  What I fear in the whole thing is that if they are allowed to be rescued over and over....then they will continue to make bad choices and eventually be unrescuable because the law will be involved.  I pray.  I lose sleep.  I love.  But, they have to CHOOSE.  They have to be allowed to take responsibility for their actions.  Bothers me most for the people they are using and hurting.  The lies.  The spinning.  The hiding.  They must be tired.  Worn out from it all.  I ache for them.  And endure their anger when I won't do as they desire.  A lot on top of everything else.  And.......more important.
Because I'm a grown up already.  And though these problems of my life are difficult.  They are not insurmountable.  Though my self esteem and heart have taken a hit, I am able to make good decisions.  I am able to think of others.  I am able to weigh the consequences of decisions.  I am a true adult.  Though my husband thinks ill of me.  Is ashamed of me.  Believes me to be irresponsible.  I know that I am able to do good.  To do well, also.  And I know that because my life isn't just about me that it makes a difference  I want to teach the kids that.  While who we are is very important....we are not the center of all things and all people.  Rather, we are all interconnected and what each of us does affects the others.  And drama....well, drama can get you what you think you want for awhile.  But really, what they truly want is to be genuine grown ups. And drama can't get you that.  You have to earn it by deciding to do right.  By following through. 
I am rather spent, I guess.  Didn't realize how much so.  Sometimes it feels like the world is so full of "stuff".....but there is a plan.  There is hope.  And, I can't go around trying to fix it all for everyone.  Each person....man, woman and child, has to learn to own their personal stuff.  My job isn't to fix it.  It's to love while they figure out how to do that.  And...to let God make them uncomfortable enough without my interference that they actually DO it.  The lack of respect blows me away.  Able to ask for things...but not able to respect....not even themselves by keeping their word. 
So, I leave this with their Father for today.  Because today I have time with my daughter.  And things to do around the house.  So, I need to let it take a seat in a back room of my mind and get out of the living room.  And that is a choice I can make.  Have to make. 
And the good news?  I get to breathe today...freely.  He's not home til tomorrow. 
grace to you.