Cleaning, Baking, Rearranging

My heart and mind need a good focus.  A plan.  A safe, untroubled place to rest.  Many years ago, back when I was me....I baked, cooked, cleaned.  But, over the years, I lost even the ability to cope like that.  Today, I am reclaiming that ability.  The ability to choose where to put my energy, my prayers, my thoughts, my hopes, my frustrations.  Not just in busyness.  In being productive.  In the good smells and in organizing the things that I can.  I have had too little time to do so lately.  Now, I am needing to take that time and do it.  I want to somehow find order in my very emotionally chaotic life.  My God never changes.  He carries.  He cares.  But, sadly, for a long time I forgot that that includes me.  Easy to give grace to others.  But, felt like I didn't deserve it. Felt like a failure.
However, here I am.  Healing.  Still in the midst of the troubled time.  But not...."of it".  Not defined by it.  My marriage is lousy and that stinks, but it does not define me.  There are pains and questions all around....but there are also blessings and answers.  I am filled.  I am held.  I am fed.  I am nurtured.  Not because I deserve it, but because I need it.  Because I can never be enough, never be perfect....so, His perfect Love reached out to me.  And that changes everything.  If I choose to hear His voice.  Because, if I don't.....I live like a pauper instead of a princess.
Today is cleansing.  Healing.  And...painful.  Good things come from truth.  From facing how things are.  It was a hard weekend.  Hardest in my marriage in quite awhile.  But, strangely I am stronger....not destroyed.  Or, maybe I was so destroyed that I just finally released it all.  All I know is that the rolls and banana bread smell good and the turkey is browning nicely.  The floors are being cleaned, even under the furniture.  I am shaking the dust off...literally and figuratively.
grace to you.