Life has been......life. You know, full. Blessings. Hurts. Pains. Gifts. Treasured moments. Heartaches. My body has not been doing at all well. Note, I have not been doing that well for my body either. Hard to get over the absolute inertia from restless, painful nights. And yet, I do. I get up. I do many things. I smile. I enjoy. And, most of all, in the midst of it all, I have the deepest sense of being blessed.
I used to want to ask God what I had done to deserve losing so many people....to have a husband that was so clearly unhappy with me.....and then somewhere I stopped. Because if it's about what I deserve, I have so much that I don't deserve. Kids that are healthy. Smart. Nice. A home to live in. Water to drink. Food to eat. Transportation. Clothes...lots of clothes. Heat. Running water for my lovely showers. Friends. Kindness. Joy. And there's no way for me to earn those things. Just like there's no way for me to "earn" the heartaches. They are just part of life. And, I will survive.
But, I want to do more. I want to thrive. I want to grow stronger. I want to live abundantly. Not half hearted. Not simply getting by.
I prayed nearly four years ago to live to raise my daughter. I was so sick. In so much pain. It was so constant and I simply couldn't imagine making it much longer. And I begged God, flat on my face, my tears soaking the carpet in a vacation rental......to let me live. Even if I never felt a bit better. Even if I had to face the same amount of pain every day. Not for me. For my kids. That day, specifically for my daughter. Things had been so rough, so competitive, so difficult with my how my husband was interacting....and I didn't want my daughter to have to "toughen up"....I didn't want her to be left with nobody to tell her that she is pretty. That she is smart. That she has a purpose. And that purpose is not shown by competing but by completing what is set before us to do. I want to teach my sons that kindness and tenderness are the most masculine of qualities. That praise is good. And that being perfect is impossible....but that striving for excellence is mandated.
And, here I am. And though I have been very weak lately, tired, hurting.....I feel surprisingly blessed. Like I have been given the greatest gift. I do not take living forgranted. And, for me, it's not easy. Every morning that I put my feet on the floor, I hurt. I often awaken in the night hurting too. But, I am happy. I know who holds my life. I know who gives me more than just surviving.
I guess that's one reason that I'm not interested in a commitment that has no substance.....I was promised abundant life, joy, peace....promised so many things by the Lord Himself. And, they are here. Right in the midst of life. I like the real deal. Not the sham.
Yes, I will survive. My concern is that I help others to thrive.....by doing so myself.
grace to you.
I used to want to ask God what I had done to deserve losing so many people....to have a husband that was so clearly unhappy with me.....and then somewhere I stopped. Because if it's about what I deserve, I have so much that I don't deserve. Kids that are healthy. Smart. Nice. A home to live in. Water to drink. Food to eat. Transportation. Clothes...lots of clothes. Heat. Running water for my lovely showers. Friends. Kindness. Joy. And there's no way for me to earn those things. Just like there's no way for me to "earn" the heartaches. They are just part of life. And, I will survive.
But, I want to do more. I want to thrive. I want to grow stronger. I want to live abundantly. Not half hearted. Not simply getting by.
I prayed nearly four years ago to live to raise my daughter. I was so sick. In so much pain. It was so constant and I simply couldn't imagine making it much longer. And I begged God, flat on my face, my tears soaking the carpet in a vacation rental......to let me live. Even if I never felt a bit better. Even if I had to face the same amount of pain every day. Not for me. For my kids. That day, specifically for my daughter. Things had been so rough, so competitive, so difficult with my how my husband was interacting....and I didn't want my daughter to have to "toughen up"....I didn't want her to be left with nobody to tell her that she is pretty. That she is smart. That she has a purpose. And that purpose is not shown by competing but by completing what is set before us to do. I want to teach my sons that kindness and tenderness are the most masculine of qualities. That praise is good. And that being perfect is impossible....but that striving for excellence is mandated.
And, here I am. And though I have been very weak lately, tired, hurting.....I feel surprisingly blessed. Like I have been given the greatest gift. I do not take living forgranted. And, for me, it's not easy. Every morning that I put my feet on the floor, I hurt. I often awaken in the night hurting too. But, I am happy. I know who holds my life. I know who gives me more than just surviving.
I guess that's one reason that I'm not interested in a commitment that has no substance.....I was promised abundant life, joy, peace....promised so many things by the Lord Himself. And, they are here. Right in the midst of life. I like the real deal. Not the sham.
Yes, I will survive. My concern is that I help others to thrive.....by doing so myself.
grace to you.
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