Sometimes I need a good talking to. Not really chewed out...but being firmly told to get off my butt and stop being a child and go DO something about it. Whatever "it" might be. Today was one of those days. Actually, probably the whole week has been one of those weeks. However, not many people have the inside scoop in my life, so not many people would recognize the desperate place that I have been in.
Self doubt. Self pity. (I wrote self pit and had to correct....but, pit seems appropriate too.) Self loathing. It has been a rough week. Really rough.
The whole idea of writing a book has been a part of me for so long. Not because I am a professional writer, but because "when I write, I feel His pleasure"....I stole that from a friend....I feel bonded. I feel as if it is an act of worship. I know, off my rocker. Probably so. Not a great surprise, seeing as how difficult my life has been lately. But, still...that is the genuine truth. It isn't about seeing my name in print. It isn't even about seeing my thoughts in print. It is about the ACT itself. The sharing is just an added benefit.
But, this week, I wanted to give up the idea. Totally. Overwhelmed. Consumed by doubt. Feeling stupid. Feeling untalented. The attacks came hard and fast.
And my friend found me cowering in the corner with my hands over my head, weeping....."stop, please stop." And she not so gently told me to get up. To do what it is that I do. To try different ways. To quote Nike, "just do it". And I was blessed and stunned and glad and rebuked all at once. I wanted to say, "but you don't know how bad it is! you don't understand what I'm up against. But, honestly, of all of my friends, this friend understands a big battle. So, I shut up and listened.And, even more, I chose to believe her words of truth over the accusations flying around in my heart and mind. And it was healing. And, I'm on chapter two.
Now, he came home and I'm shaking and trembling...but, I figured it out. And, nobody can take that away from me.
grace to you.
Self doubt. Self pity. (I wrote self pit and had to correct....but, pit seems appropriate too.) Self loathing. It has been a rough week. Really rough.
The whole idea of writing a book has been a part of me for so long. Not because I am a professional writer, but because "when I write, I feel His pleasure"....I stole that from a friend....I feel bonded. I feel as if it is an act of worship. I know, off my rocker. Probably so. Not a great surprise, seeing as how difficult my life has been lately. But, still...that is the genuine truth. It isn't about seeing my name in print. It isn't even about seeing my thoughts in print. It is about the ACT itself. The sharing is just an added benefit.
But, this week, I wanted to give up the idea. Totally. Overwhelmed. Consumed by doubt. Feeling stupid. Feeling untalented. The attacks came hard and fast.
And my friend found me cowering in the corner with my hands over my head, weeping....."stop, please stop." And she not so gently told me to get up. To do what it is that I do. To try different ways. To quote Nike, "just do it". And I was blessed and stunned and glad and rebuked all at once. I wanted to say, "but you don't know how bad it is! you don't understand what I'm up against. But, honestly, of all of my friends, this friend understands a big battle. So, I shut up and listened.And, even more, I chose to believe her words of truth over the accusations flying around in my heart and mind. And it was healing. And, I'm on chapter two.
Now, he came home and I'm shaking and trembling...but, I figured it out. And, nobody can take that away from me.
grace to you.
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