Dear

Dear means special.  Cherished.  Valuable.  Dear means beloved.  Given special treatment.  Favored.  Yet, I have been none of those things.  However, today, as he used the moniker again, I realized....I began that with him.  I called him dear.  He was dear to me.  All of those things that I mentioned.  That is why it's so hard to know that I don't even cause a stir for him.  What has gotten him motivated is him.  His discomfort.  His fear.  And, sadly, that simply hurts me more.  That he thinks that he can "keep" me or "own" me because we got married but that there is not any necessity of cherishing, or putting above himself.  For him, marriage has been about being made to feel comfortable, about having his needs met, about ownership.  What a loss for him.  To use the word dear and not even know what it means.  To not have bothered to hear, see or care for me.  And yet, expect that it can somehow work if we just force ourselves to do it.  It's true....feelings aside, people can do most anything.  But, sometimes I wonder if it was worth it.  Some battles are senseless if the war is lost already.  I've told him how using the term "dear" hurts me.  But he uses it all of the time.  It's like being struck.  Painful.  It's simply another way that he cannot honor or see my pain.  All he hopes is to get me back on board with how it was.  I'm  not interested.  Something new, I wanted.  Something whole and healthy...that was worth it. 
I guess that what I've learned is that you can't really have a relationship with someone who only sees himself.  You can hold up your end.  You can be committed.  But, intimacy, relationship, compassion...these are lacking. 
grace to you.