Overload

In my wonderings of why I have been in such a disconnect, I had some time to "chat" with someone who knows me pretty well.  I got to tell her about marriage stuff.  But, when I was all done, I realized that it's more than that.....it's so many things.  Things that are keeping me awake to pray.  People who are hurting who I can't help.  Kids who are making choices that will affect the rest of their lives.  One of them I want to bundle up and send somewhere safe for.....ever?  To love so much.  To hold people dear.  It can be painful.  To pray but not know how they are really doing.  And normally, all of this comes in stride.  But, I had a realization this week about someone my husband loves.  And it was hard on me.  To see that there is actually someone in the world that he responds to and seems to want to protect.  But, I am getting better.  Talking to my friend helped.  At least some.  Kinda helped with the building pressure of there being nowhere to share.  I still am trying to learn how I can tell my story without telling his.  How I can be kind and yet truthful.  It's all so complicated.  Sure would have been easier if he could have just really loved me......this whole praying to love me thing isn't really helping me.  Makes me feel pretty pathetic.  Be like saying, "I'm praying to want to be your friend."  Really?  Who wants that?  Like that is good enough.  Then he says, no I love you but I need to love you in the right way.  Ok, still.......um...nope, not good enough.
I know part of what else happened this week.  He made me mad and I didn't want to go out and make money.  Because he makes even that about him.  I like the work.  I like it a lot.  But carrying all of this garbage is a little hard.
What's interesting to me is that he plays the victim so well.And can say words that head in the right direction.  He can play a game.  But he can't give it to me for real.  And I wish that I still wanted him to.  But I have no interest anymore.  It's not about jumping through hoops or behaving a certain way.  It's about something deeper.  And, honestly, he can't give what isn't there.  There's only one person I've ever seen him have a little bit of a sense of something that isn't about him.  And that person isn't in this family.  He doesn't see needs in his own kids.  Doesn't see them in me.  Even if he's told, they are not considered important.  So, we have adapted.  We get along.
This week, regarding work, I decided to quit trying so hard to work and to let him have to pay me.  He could not have afforded my services all of these years but he has made me feel so small  about what I have done.  What a jerk.  That's the bottom line...he's just a jerk.  Four and a half years seems like a million....but I've done more than that so far.....so, I'm sure that I can make it.  It's just so incredibly wearing.  Body mind and soul.  It's hard to carry.  I want to be nice to him.  I want to be a grown up.  But then again...maybe I don't.  What I do want is to do what makes it easiest on my kids for now.  Because they are so worth it.  And I'm really worried about my one son.  Don't want to add to his stress. 
Tomorrow is a new day.  But, somehow I know that I will be awakened early again to pray.  Maybe I should start taking naps. 
grace to you.