It's quite a miracle. I think that I'm growing up a little bit. I had always associated it with growing cynical or hard...and I don't want to do that, ever. It's easy to lean that way when being hurt, but really, I like the tender side of life. The side that says that there is hope. That looks for good things.
How will I keep that sense and still get out from under the troubles of my marriage? I am not sure, but I know that it can be done. Because it's important to me. I mean, what is the point of getting out of it or away from the "ickiness" if I BECOME the ickiness?
My husband has issues. That's all there is to it. And I can't fix them. Well, get me a mallet, and I can try. But, seriously, he doesn't really want to fix anything. He just wants me to go back to making life feel good. Feel right. Feel....successful. But I was to do good, do right and be successful....not just manufacture a facade of those things. I want to live. I want to breathe. I want to know that it's ok for me to do so. Not constantly looking over my shoulder awaiting judgement on what I am or am not doing. It's....wearing. And it sucks life right out of me. Like he has a straw pushed into my heart and soul. I'm expecting to hear a sucking sound any moment saying that he drained it dry.
Or, maybe I'm not. Because I am making new choices. New directions. New responsibilities. It's going to be good. I choose it. I want to grow up, not grow mean. Grow in kindness. Grow in strength. I want to be me. Not a reflection of what I am being because someone has been mean to me.
grace to you
How will I keep that sense and still get out from under the troubles of my marriage? I am not sure, but I know that it can be done. Because it's important to me. I mean, what is the point of getting out of it or away from the "ickiness" if I BECOME the ickiness?
My husband has issues. That's all there is to it. And I can't fix them. Well, get me a mallet, and I can try. But, seriously, he doesn't really want to fix anything. He just wants me to go back to making life feel good. Feel right. Feel....successful. But I was to do good, do right and be successful....not just manufacture a facade of those things. I want to live. I want to breathe. I want to know that it's ok for me to do so. Not constantly looking over my shoulder awaiting judgement on what I am or am not doing. It's....wearing. And it sucks life right out of me. Like he has a straw pushed into my heart and soul. I'm expecting to hear a sucking sound any moment saying that he drained it dry.
Or, maybe I'm not. Because I am making new choices. New directions. New responsibilities. It's going to be good. I choose it. I want to grow up, not grow mean. Grow in kindness. Grow in strength. I want to be me. Not a reflection of what I am being because someone has been mean to me.
grace to you
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