You know, there's some healing to be had in breaking down. I mean it. I didn't step off of the edge of reality last night. I didn't wish harm for myself or others. And yet, I absolutely know that I experienced a breakdown. I absolutely could not face another instant. I could not suck it up. I could not find an answer. There WAS no place to go. No place to be. The realization was painfully horrible. Horrific. Agonizing. Though the underlying knowing that the Father remained, the emptiness was vast.
I wandered. For hours. In my car. Most of it is a blur. Every time I got anywhere near my home, I was ill. But finally, I pulled it together enough to face the fact that I had to pull in the driveway. Then get out of the car. Then make it in the house. It was harder than I can possibly explain. Overwhelming to take each step.
Yep. I'd had a breakdown. Because I can ALWAYS pull it together. I can always get done what I need to do. I can always be brave. Be smart. Be able.
And then I couldn't. I was broken. I was so drained. And the grief that flooded me was of now of the past and for the future. All melded into that moment. It was not my best time. I was absolutely floored by the intensity of everything.
But a new day dawned. And now I will try to sleep. Having a hard time with that still. I don't feel safe. Vulnerable in a bad .way.
I realized in the night that I shouldn't be surprised where I am now. He has never respected any boundaries that I say I need. He has never heard me. And even if he says he hears other people....he just uses that to look better.. I have to make it through this week. And I have to have boundaries that I can live with. And I need to change my locks. Seriously. I will have to learn how. I'll do it. Cuz I'm amazing.
I really should sleep. I just feel so alone...but afraid alone, not good alone. Shaky and painful. But so tired. Afraid to be asleep and find that I'm NOT alone.
And I'm thinking that at some point I will quit thinking jackass and other curse words quite so much. Don't know what it is.
Ok...this is my "being" with someone. Holding on to something. A place to belong perhaps? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't seem like I have enough time to sleep. Maybe I should get a hotel for tonight. But not enough money. Gotta be smart. I know that I CAN do this. I have done many hard things. I'll make it. On the other side, it will feel a lot better.
grace.
I wandered. For hours. In my car. Most of it is a blur. Every time I got anywhere near my home, I was ill. But finally, I pulled it together enough to face the fact that I had to pull in the driveway. Then get out of the car. Then make it in the house. It was harder than I can possibly explain. Overwhelming to take each step.
Yep. I'd had a breakdown. Because I can ALWAYS pull it together. I can always get done what I need to do. I can always be brave. Be smart. Be able.
And then I couldn't. I was broken. I was so drained. And the grief that flooded me was of now of the past and for the future. All melded into that moment. It was not my best time. I was absolutely floored by the intensity of everything.
But a new day dawned. And now I will try to sleep. Having a hard time with that still. I don't feel safe. Vulnerable in a bad .way.
I realized in the night that I shouldn't be surprised where I am now. He has never respected any boundaries that I say I need. He has never heard me. And even if he says he hears other people....he just uses that to look better.. I have to make it through this week. And I have to have boundaries that I can live with. And I need to change my locks. Seriously. I will have to learn how. I'll do it. Cuz I'm amazing.
I really should sleep. I just feel so alone...but afraid alone, not good alone. Shaky and painful. But so tired. Afraid to be asleep and find that I'm NOT alone.
And I'm thinking that at some point I will quit thinking jackass and other curse words quite so much. Don't know what it is.
Ok...this is my "being" with someone. Holding on to something. A place to belong perhaps? I don't know. All I know is that it doesn't seem like I have enough time to sleep. Maybe I should get a hotel for tonight. But not enough money. Gotta be smart. I know that I CAN do this. I have done many hard things. I'll make it. On the other side, it will feel a lot better.
grace.
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