Recovery

I've changed.  Not really.  I've come back.  Recovered.  Recouped. Regrouped.  I am becoming undeniably me.  Silly and fun with an incredibly deep and serious side.  A huge amount of compassion with total no nonsense to match.  And my love has found it's boundaries.  My joy is unleashed.  My laughter is daily.  My heart is light.  My soul is full.  My thoughts are prayerful and hopeful and yet....still very intuitive, very deep.  I don't share those much.  Nor lightly.  Well, to those of you who know me here, you get to here almost all of my INTROSPECTION.  I am introspective in a big way.  But I don't find fault with myself anymore.
And...did I mention laughter?  Not only do I laugh, but I can get others to laugh too.  Even in the midst of these really hard days at my school.  And it really is hard.  Absolutely tiring.  Wearying.  But I am happy.  I am successful.  Though I am doing miserably at getting it all done.  I am getting much done.  I am whittling away at what isn't NECESSARY in order to find what I CAN do.  What THEY can do.  I'm a teacher.  I teach kids...not subjects.
I am in recovery.  I may always be in recovery.  Because that voice of my ex that pushes me to think badly of myself.  To second guess. To think that what I feel and how I am is wrong and that I need fixing.  I do need growing.  I do need maturing.  I do need change.  But not to please someone.  In order to become who I am.  Who I was made to be.
I wore clothes today that were still my muted colors...but they were fun in my own way....today.  I had a bit of plaid and stripes, greys browns and blacks going on.  I loved it.  I felt good in it.  And I didn't care what anyone thought.  And that feels so good.  So when I said, "check out my plaid and stripes!" to a friend and she asked, "are you dressed for crazy day?" it totally amused me.  Made me laugh.  Then AND now.  Nope, this is it.  My choice of outfit for my work day.  My clothes that felt good to put on.  Made me happy.  And somehow, I didn't care what ANYONE thought.  I liked them.  I still do.  I had been wanting to wear this outfit!  Today was the day that I threw caution to the wind and put it on......twas a good day.  A really good day.  And the fact that it brought me laughter is even BETTER.
Laughing. Big belly laughs.  Every day.
I think it's my daughter that is helping me to come out of that dreary place.  To see who I was.  Because she has a lot of my attributes.  Including some of being an introvert.  But she is more courageous than I.  But putting the two of us together is like asking for a comedy routine.   We just fall in sync with our thoughts and word play.  We both LOVE to laugh.  To let loose.  To relax.  We're both really responsible too.  My ex told me that I wasn't responsible, but I am.  I own what I do wrong.  I take responsibilty.  But all things are not my job.  And I don't have to be perfect.  And I certainly don't have to be him.  Or his mother.  I am me.  I am in recovery.
I am happy.
blessings.

Cookies

I am still laughing.
I was at work today when a woman came up to me and said, "I bet that you are the kind of mom that goes home and makes cookies for your kids."  Snort.  Guffaw.  Really?  I think quickly and then blurt out the truth.  "No, usually I go home and my teens and I discuss whether we really need a veggie or not.  Or, if we're having veggies...or popcorn and ice cream...or whatever...whether we need something else. We're pretty laid back at this point."
Then I came home today.  And I managed to make goulash.  AND broccoli.  AND cut up apples.  And we sat around the kitchen counter that has become our comfy spot to eat and talked "shop".  Everyone talks about their day.  What happened.  What's going on.  How school is.  How whatever was happening yesterday was resolved.  And we laugh so hard that I have a belly ache almost every night after dinner.  I told them about the cookie question and they almost fell off of their stools. And I said, "but I don't like my cookies, I like (insert friend's name) cookies.  And we all agreed.  Then, my daughter said, "but you make us other desserts....."  She was sweet.  She knows that the whole "making cookies" thing is what people equate with being a good mom.  With being present and loving.
Well, I was quite present.  I went on to tell them what I learned about bacteria from an 8th grade teacher today.  Bacteria are very present in our bodies.  As in, they are MOST of what makes us up.  AND, in the digestive tract, they keep everything healthy.  I knew that.  BUT THEN SHE SAYS, "they are doing poop transplants in people with cancer and diseases of the digestive tract and it is HEALING the recipients to have the healthy bacteria introduced."  Of course, this was too good to keep to myself.  I had to share it after we ate and were sitting around.  And it would just springboard from there...."will they pay us to buy some"  "I'll sell mine."  "here, I've got two pounds..." and the general, "ewwww"  and "can you imagine how it smells in the "operating room?"  My kids make me laugh.  And I make them laugh.  And we love sitting around together.  They are totally awesome.  TOTALLY.
And I am so very happy.  Over the top happy.  I love my life.  And no, I'm not the mom who comes home and makes cookies.  I'm not even the mom who interacts for the whole entire night.  But they are good with that.  And....we have found our happy place.  Our peaceful home.  We have found joy again.  Just in being.  In loving.  And, no...I'm not THAT mom.  I'm just me.  Cookies or no cookies, I couldn't love my kids any more.
"Do you make cookies when you get home?" hahahhahahahahhahahaha breath hahahhahahhahahahhaa. Seriously?  no way.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  I don't make that great of cookies.  But I make good pie.  Cheesecake.  Crisp.  Cobbler.  Turnovers.  Eclairs.  I've got skills.  But that's not what binds us together...it's so very much more.
blessings.

the humor in the horror

i had something happen this week that didn't happen to me, but won't leave my brain.  and it's bad because i have a very active imagination.  really active.  and a mind that constantly asks questions and wonders.
so....
i have this friend that is quite a woman.  she sets boundaries.  she determines what she wants most.  she does what she says she is going to do.
recently, she has decided to be committed about going to a tuesday morning bible study though it means giving up potential income as a substitute.  she wants to be faithful.  it's something that i admire so much.
yesterday was tuesday.
yesterday i was at work.
yesterday she was at bible study.
a woman's bible study.
at a church that she has gone to for twenty years.
one of those kind of bible studies with the meet and greet coffee and snacks time at the beginning.
did you get the part where i'm at work?
my friend is divorced.
i get a text:  at bible study "unnamed person" just came up and told me she understands why i left "ex husband's name" said she slept with him and hes stalked her not sure how much to believe since she said all he wanted was sex.
yes.  i really was at work.  with children.  i had picked up my phone to carry it outside where we were going to do our read aloud.  really.  i read this with 29 children looking at me.
i know the woman that was talking to her.  she's much older than us.  by....12 years or so?  and she was really mean to my friend when my friend divorced her husband.  she's...haggard.  she's.....odd.
this woman came up to my friend at the coffee cart at the bible study that my friend has determined to faithfully attend to tell her...out of the blue...that she had sex with her ex.  and i just keep picturing it in my mind.  all of the prim women there.  in their church clothes.  having a little snack.  having a little pre-study chit chat.  and this woman drops this bomb right at the coffee cart.  not in a private moment.  with no warning.
i have this picture etched into my mind of my friend.  mouth open.  cup tipped.  look of shock.  but trying to be polite...after all, it's at BIBLE STUDY!!  and this woman just going on and on.  because she didn't drop the bomb and move on.  no.  when someone interrupted to get coffee, she waited.  and then she continued on!
and i have so many questions i would have wanted to ask her.  when?  where?  how was it for you?  did you initiate it or did he?  what was it like?
seriously, my mind works like this because i've never had sex with someone that someone else i know has had sex with as well.  and i'm...curious.  really, i am.  i'd want to know what she did and if he was more satisfied.  i would want to know the timing and whether he was still married to me...i'm sure he was legally even if he was separated. i'd want to know why in the world she wanted to tell me and certainly why it had to be at the coffee cart.....at the bible study.
but it wasn't me, so alas, my questions will go unsaid.
but i have this image in my mind of him and her...and frankly i just can't get it out. her...so saggy and like an aged hippy and him being all macho like.  and the whole thing of my friend's ex naked and doing the horizontal hula with anyone would be quite a thought, but with this woman...i just can't shake the image. and it makes me laugh.  and seriously, the word "coffee"  just kinda gets me going at this point.  giggling.  i may never be able to go to that coffee cart again.
then there's the other side.  the side that wants to go kick him and tell him that it wasn't ok.  and how dare he act like mr christian changed man while sleeping with someone old enough to be my friend's aunt.  and how he should just own his behavior instead of being mr. pious because nobody really cares if he's dipping his wick somewhere else.  it's not that big of a loss.  he's not that big of a loss.
and i want to tell the woman that she is a jerk for dumping that on someone.  and is she trying to "friend" my friend by a shared common bad sex experience?  you know, that's not how it's usually done at the church coffee cart.....just sayin'.
but alas...all i can do is try to contain myself and keep my imagination in check and not picture the illustrated cartoon entitled "a day at woman's bible study".  who ever knew that a coffee cart could be so fraught with danger?
guess there's often humor in the horror.  wait, i did say horror and not.............ok, time for me to stop.

will it be lonely?

i was in the tub thinking.  i love my deep tub.  my hot baths.  very pleasant.  as a matter of fact, it was on vacation that i took my first shower in about a year.  and i used to be all about showers.  slowing down, i guess.
but i was thinking about what i wrote before.  thinking about how the reality of life is that most of my current friends will be...or are and will remain....married in our old years.  And how I had rather pictured being some of those girls that go on girl trips and hang out, but that it's probably unrealistic.  and i tried to think through how i feel about that.  still not really sure.  but i think it will be ok.  i think that i'll learn.  because looking around, most of my friends will really enjoy that.  i'm just....content.  i like having friends.  i like getting to go out without guilt.  i like coming home without owing sex.  yes, it was a payment for getting time away.  demanded and expected.  and so...i like not having to face demands  when i'm tired or simply content to go to sleep.  i also like not having the incessant jealousy.  it was way too much.
and the thing is...i didn't know before i was married.  so, i guess i figure that the same thing could happen again.  my ex is mr. charming.  choir boy.  sunday school teacher.  athlete.  hard worker.  see?  all's good, right?  but it wasn't.  i even asked all of the questions about faith and future and vision.  but somehow i missed something.  i don't regret him.  i wish i would have understood sooner.  i wish that i would have done less damage to myself in the  process.  but i am honestly not sure that i would want to try that long term thing with anyone else.  i was more miserable than i can explain.  i don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable.  but, i also really don't want to get divorced again.  so....singleness seems like a lovely option.  with friends.  companions.
but when i picture my friends all married off and me alone, i know that it'll be a little lonely. but, i guess that i'll just have to have adventure.  write my book.  watch sunsets.  it'll be ok.  i know it will.
blessings.

Sex

Sometimes I feel  like I got gipped.  I mean, I got to have sex.  With that one guy.  And frankly, at the beginning it was nice just to have the curiosity fulfilled.  And I really did try to make it.....more than just mundane.  Though I wasn't schooled in what could/should be done.  I am a person who understands what other people want.  But, frankly, it was never that connection people talk about.  I felt...owned.  I felt like I was always being cajoled to do what would make it better for him with no thought to the fact that maybe it wasn't just about him.  And I felt.....used.  It didn't feel loving.  It didn't feel like connection.  It wasn't a bonding.  It was actually sad.  I cried myself to sleep many times.  Sex was just sex.  It wasn't intimacy.  And that's too bad.
And so, sometimes I wish that I was one of those people that might just try it out.  At least see what I was missing in the realm of fun.  And maybe even of intimacy.  But, I'm not one of those.  Sometimes I think "what if I was?"  You know, one of those "girls" that would hit the back seat of the car with my latest guy I found on the internet.  But though I try, I just can't even imagine my being able to.
And I'm not a prude.  And I am not afraid of sex.  And I'm not even ashamed of my body.  Though...that would be interesting at this age.  I guess that I know myself.  I know that it would mean too much.  I know that I am built for intimacy.  For relationship.  For connection.  For unity.  And I would never again settle for less.
So, I learn to enjoy my bed.  I learn to share with others.  I write my deep thoughts.  I learn to let go of those who will move on and have marriages again.  Who will need a man more than they need me.  That I will be the spinster.
And frankly, it doesn't sound horrible.  Oh, if I were the type to have a little taste now and then, that would be nice, I guess.  But I wasn't that way when I was young, never married and single.  Back then, I was curious.  I wondered how it all worked.  Getting married was the only option.  Turns out that it wasn't that big of a perk.
I remember how I wished and hoped and tried for it to be what I longed for.  Tried to be what would be the right kind of woman in a marriage.  The right kind of partner.  But I never measured up.  There was always disappointment.  Always a sense that he was doing me a favor.
And sometimes it does cross my mind, "is he having sex now?"  And was it just me?  Did he just use me but he'll love someone else?  But the whole truth is that it doesn't matter.  I can't help it either way.  e wanted sex, but he didn't want intimacy...at least not with me....but maybe he will with someone else and maybe that will mean that I wasn't what he wanted.  But, oh well.  That is just how it is.
Sex.  It's not enough.  Intimacy.  Closeness.  Bonding.  Having the healthy relationship that goes with the physical part....then, that could be pretty cool.
But frankly, I'm done with drama.
I think I'll just enjoy my spinsterhood the best that I can.....and that seems to be pretty darn good.
blessings.

thankful

you know, there has been a lot of stress in the last months.  i don't think that much about it along the way, but as i was sitting tonight, being thankful, i realized how there has been a lot and how i've done a lot to come through it.
back in the summer, my house payments went awry.  i made it.  they took it twice.  then gave it back twice.  then said that i hadn't paid in four months.  then my credit rating started to decline.  they were working on it.  and working on it some more.  in the meantime, i had a hard time monitoring my checking account with what would be there and what wouldn't.  pretty awful.  and my ex would...and still does....send his payment just a wee bit late, making it hard to depend on when i'll be able to pay those midmonth bills.
and then there's the ex.  and church.  and not having a church.  and missing it.  missing my "family" from church.  the ex being everywhere i would want to go.  friends being with him.  talking with him.  laughing with him.  sitting with him.  singing with him.  the list goes on.....
and then there's the going back to school and having such a difficult start with the new teammate.  and it really has been.
and then the flood.
and the loss of my kids being able to go to their building.
and the loss of so many homes.
and a kid that is in a friend's life now that i see me.  and i wonder...what would it be if christians actually took in kids with lousy home lives and just cared for them?  would it change the world?
and then there's the fact that i bought quite a few clothes.  had to buy a new dishwasher.  had to put two boys back in college...boy, was THAT expensive or what??? between airline tickets, books and hotels and meals and making sure they had clothes..whew.  and back to school for my other kids too.  yikes.
money is an issue this month.  and of course...the ex was significantly late.  making me pay late fees.
and yet....
here i sat tonight, thankful.  deeply.  for real.
look at me!! i've made it.  i'm making it.  i fail some.  i get up and try again.
and, guess what?  my son coming from oregon at christmas already has a ticket ROUND TRIP that i purchased with my air miles and so it only cost me five dollars in cash.
and i got offered night work in november.  i might or might not do it.  it's three weeks.  it could be some nice christmas money.
and i was mopping my floor and cleaning up around my house and just being thankful to have a place to live.  thankful not to be flooded.  thankful not to be having to boil our water.  thankful for electricity....and soon, for heat.
i'm thankful to have a car.
and to have a job.
and i'm thankful that though it took a natural disaster, my youngest two have bonded.  i'm thankful for a peaceful home.  for laughter.  we laugh a LOT.  over really stupid, immature things.  belly laughs.  silly laughs.  we giggle and joke and play.  it's really wonderful...though not very mature probably.  i like it.
and this week they know that we are eating on the cheap.  tonight it was french toast.  it was delicious.  mmm.  mmm.  hot with melted butter and powdered sugar.  i am thankful for food to eat.
i am thankful that i am being made strong.  fearless.
so much stuff, when i write it down.  yet, i sleep at night. i get up in the morning.  i keep going. not only that....i'm actually very happy.
oh, i think that i should get the financial thing together.  and i will.  i'm on the permissive side with myself right now.  i might fall flat on my face.  but for now, it's just where i am.  my ex would have killed me by now.  not literally, but life would not be worth much.  because value was in money.  not in people.  no matter how much i ever saved or how frugal i was, it was never enough.  so...i'm kind of swinging the other way right now.  i'll get back to more balance.  actually, i think that i'm kind of there now.  but it sure took awhile. :)
i am so very thankful.  on so many fronts.
here i am on my own bed.  and i really don't care if i ever find someone else.  because i gave that a shot. and i felt like i got shot...down.  and it hurt an awful lot.  and it's not a lack of being willing to love or trust.  i just kind of like having my own space in the world.  and not having to explain to anyone what i need. it was so draining to keep trying and never be heard or honored.  so, now, i have to see what i need and do that.  and see what others need and do that.  but i don't have to live with someone wanting their needs met even at my expense...usually at my expense.  and not just needs, but wants.
i am sooo relieved.  thankful.  happy.
and while it's still hard to talk about the divorce to some people.  it wears me out in an indescribable way.  it's possible.  i do it when i need to.  for a good reason.
think i'll take my thankful heart and rest.
blessings.
man, i wasn't even thinking about the whole bedbug incident and the cost and emotional trauma of that!  pretty hideous as well.  yes, it has been eventful.  but still...i'm ok.  more than ok.  happy.  growing.  pretty wonderful, really.  

7:30

it's 7:30 and my house is quiet.  my children are resting.  getting ready for tomorrow.  first day in their new school building.  we are going to take pics.  first day and all.  there are the nerves.  and the excitement.  they are happy to see their friends.  happy that the teachers will take it easy on them...it has been a hard time.
but how can we just keep being so tired?  i don't know.  but, it is what it is.  so we will rest and then get out there and do our best.
happy week to you!

bonding

my children....they youngest two....are bonding.  they are finding out how to just be the two of them.  they were force a bit more quickly by the flood.  somehow those intense emotions and working side by side and feeling a similar kind of loss and helplessness...drew them together.
it's kind of cute to see.  he put his arm around her at church today and said, "we're bonding."  and she didn't pull away or grimace.  it was nice to see.  a comfort. a balm.  in the midst of so much emotion this last week.  i have talked about my ex and divorce.  i've talked in front of people that it was hard for me to speak in front of.
i have seen my ex.  he insists on sitting right behind me at events.  i am learning not to move.  to stay.  to do what i'm doing.  but i'll tell you, it wipes me out.
i have had so much difficult this week.  but the bonding somehow has made it beautiful.  and good.  and ok.
blessings.

weary to the bone

late yesterday afternoon i realized that i am absolutely spent.  not just a bit tired....spent...wrung out....drained.  i was feeling like i could barely put one foot in front of the other.
finally i realized that i have spent the week facing fear after fear.  walking boldly.  facing the ex.  talking about hard things.  feeling heartbreak along with my kids. trying to meet the needs of my school kids when they don't even understand why they are so worked up.
pouring myself into them.  literally.  completely.  giving. of my very soul.  and it was good.
and then i had to not just rest....i had to crash.  just let go it all and sleep hard.  without apology.  without guilt.  without the need to do something else.
this has been an emotional time.  sucking the energy right out.  it hurts.  and it's good.  poured out.  to be filled again.  god put his hand on my back and whispered to me as i fell into a deep sleep.
life is a good thing.  beautiful.  full.
i'm still tired and i'm still going to rest until i'm not.
blessings.

saying no

i have been thinking for several days about the ability to say no.  it's necessary in order to set boundaries.  it helps us to define what is ok and what is not.  but, i've realized that this growth is of absolutely no value to who i want to become if i don't realize the companion ideal.  learning to say no to myself.  now, it's tricky.  i don't have to say no to myself to please everyone else.  i don't have to say no to myself to make things easier on everyone else.  but....i do need to learn to say no to myself so that i can become a person who honors jesus.  i need to say no to myself in order to make time for others.
you see, i could say yes to my every whim and wish.  to sit around and eat bon bons as it were.  to wwatch shows all day.  to always get enough rest.  to always have more or enough.  to put what i fancy at the center of how i decide what to say yes to and what i say no to.
but, if i want to be a woman after god's own heart.  if i want to be a woman that honors the ideals of serving the widows and orphans...then, something has to give.
sometimes my no has to be to myself.  "no, you don't need another day in bed resting and relaxing."  or "no, you don't need to watch shows."  or "no, you don't need more ice cream."  sometimes, it is imperative that i get time to rest.  time for me.  like today. i got my kids from church, we ate...and we all agreed that we are totally worn out and going to sleep.  i was out for several hours.  but sometimes, the nap is a luxury.  it's not what i need.  sometimes, i need to say no to myself and get up and go out and haul stuff for people. or mop the floor.  or do the laundry.  i need to say no to myself in order to say yes to the person that i really want to become.
and i think that this is important for me to teach my kids.  and other kids.
self denial isn't what we do to simply please others.  we do it to have ourselves molded.  we do it to realize the greater thing that takes grit and determination.  and it is only effective if we know when to say yes to ourselves as well.  yes to truly taking care of ourselves.  but not simply indulging ourselves.  indulgence is good sometimes.  not as a daily routine.
i am learning.  again and still...it's balance.
i am fearlessly going forward and learning.
blessings.

off of the throne

life is a matter of balance.  it's good to teach kids to express themselves.  to say what they need.  what they want.  it's good for them to be in tune with not allowing themselves to be abused or demeaned.  but, perhaps our society has gone a little overboard and thrown kids out of whack.  because they seem to think that the ONLY measure is how they feel and what they want and what is convenient and what feels good and what tastes good.  and that is not healthy.  it is not a lifestyle that will serve them or others well.  it will not exhibit jesus.  it will not serve.  it will not grow a community.  if everyone thinks only of being served and being made comfortable....then, what happens when there's a need that means giving up something that makes them comfortable?
kids have been put on the thrones of their own lives.
i say it's time to let them get off gracefully.
remind them of who belongs on the throne.
remind them that life is about serving the king that belongs on the throne.
remind them that sometimes self can be put aside without it being abusive.
remind them that jesus served....and died...though it didn't feel good and wasn't convenient.
and he asks them to follow his lead in that kind of love.
he wasn't a victim.
he made a choice.
a choice to give.
in order to bring glory to the king.
in order to bring others to the king.
in order to hear the king say, "well done."
he didn't abuse himself.
he didn't say, "it's ok to be mean to me."
he forgave.  he didn't excuse. he held accountable.
yet....he was willing to be uncomfortable sometimes in order to meet the needs of others.
my kids have opened my eyes to these facts this week.
they have shown me how vastly unexpected it is for people to serve as they are.  especially at their ages.
and they have shown me how the words of the bible are meaningless without the action behind them.   just as meaningless as the actions without the words and promises.
i have learned.
i am blessed.
self esteem is important.
because when we have it, we can choose who to serve.  when we don't have it, we are always serving self in an effort to find it.
blessings.

Credit

I don't need credit.  I do need appreciation. I don't need to be taken care of.  I do need to be cared for.  I am learning about me.  And this week has brought out  some things.
The big event that my daughter helped to spearhead made us both aware of the fact that we like to help people.  We like to begin it.  We like to participate.  But we don't feel it necessary to have our name in lights.  As a matter of fact, NOT having it so is more comfortable.  Yet, it doesn't mean we want not to be seen at all.  But we both are happy to simply be appreciated by those who are close to us.  We don't need to be advertised to the public at large.
I am fascinated that she felt the same way.  We stood back on Monday and watched the whole, huge, successful event unfold, and we were happy.  We felt success.  I was proud of her.  She felt proud.  And others were interviewed for the paper.  And others had their names in lights.  And my daughter got kind of left out of any credit whatsoever when the moment came.  When the paper interviewed.  When the story was told.  So, she and I talked about it.  She didn't care.  She is doing what she feels needs to be done.  She knows that a handful know what she felt was needed.  That she wanted to do that "party".  She knew that she worked her bum off.....and has done so ever since in other ways.  But, when we realized that she didn't get any of the credit, she said,  "I'm really ok with that."
I'm really ok with that too.
It doesn't mean that we don't love being appreciated by people close to us.  Being seen for who we are and what we do. It just means that once the deal is done...we are happy to move along.
I rarely think of ways that my daughter is like me.  I'm glad that she has this trait.  Though it will make it hard.  Because being ok with not being publicly recognized or being in the spotlight is not the same as being ok with being invisible or unappreciated.  And sometimes people close to us forget that.
Proud of my girl.  She has rocked not only work, but attitude.  She is so mature for her young years.
blessings.

Wowed

I have talked about processing.  About working through.  Maybe I haven't said enough how I have worked really hard with my kids to give them words to show them that we indeed are not in control of what happens but we are in control of how we respond.  I have tears in my eyes right now as I write and think about how they just said that they are going AGAIN tomorrow to help flood victims.  They are feeling that sense of community.  Of being empowered by helping.  Of making people smile just a little bit.  They are so very sore.  They cut and hauled out wet carpet and pad today.  AFTER they moved a massive mound of wet stuff from the yard to the street AND finished emptying the basement.  They played with the pad, slinging it around.  They laugh.  They work.  They show up.  Though it's uncomfortable to a degree.  They are nervous about tomorrow.  Going without their youth pastor.  Going without the church crew...new crew....new experience.  Yet, still willing.  And that does something to my heart.  My prayers, my hopes...all somehow answered.  They may or may not be stellar students.  They may or may not be people who make a lot of money.  They may or may not be able to quote a hundred scriptures.  But they are learning to LIVE OUT THEIR FAITH.  They are showing what it means to be selfless.  Quite frankly, they are teens and would rather sit on their butts with electronics than slosh through the mud hauling stuff.  But they are CHOOSING sacrifice.  They are CHOOSING selflessness.  They are CHOOSING to be the hands and feet of the LIVING GOD.  And their actions speak more loudly than any sermon.  Their actions show more love than any amount of money.  Their kindness highlights the power of God to change lives.  To bring hope.  To use kids to bring Him glory.
I am simply wowed.  I weep over the fact that they are not only willing, but they are determined.  They are the people I always dreamed they would be.  They care.  They don't just read and quote the Bible....they are living out the precepts in this time.  Feed.  Serve.  Care for.  Wow.
I am the most blessed mama ever.

processing

today was a really hard day.  i had to go back to work.  i like my job.  i like the people.  but...today, it felt like a lead weight fell upon me and i have had strangest desire to simply just weep today.
i live in a flood zone.  nobody i talk to is not affected.  some don't have flooded houses, but the stories are unreal.  a guy at my work floated down the river in his car...and thankfully got out safely.
i am simply finally feeling the weight of grief.  compassionate grief.  the pain that others must feel weighs on me.  my heart cries out.  mercy.  mercy. they need help.  hope.
and i see the help.  i see hope.  but still, that doesn't make it easy.
it would be easier to crawl into my own little shell and stay in my own little world that is safely unflooded.  but i cannot do that and honor the jesus that comforts me.  because he comforts me...i should comfort them.  because he loves me...i should love them.  and i can never experience what it is to truly rise up on wings like an eagle if i never stretch beyond what i am able to do on my own.  i can never run and not grow weary if i never get my heart rate up.  i can never know how much god can give if i always live within my reserve.
today i had to leave my kids for the first day since the big flood.  we have processed together.  been amazed together.  and being apart from them caused me anxiety.  it was weird.  i was horribly stressed.  and ever since, all i want to do is weep.  but no time for that yet.  have a meeting to go to for where my kids will be attending school.  all i can think is "where will the kids park"?  there's no lot at this place.  and it's a stupid thought.  it will all be fine.  i'm just emotional and not thinking as clearly.  needing a hug.  a long, holding on hug.  a place just to be a person and not a mama.  or a teacher.
my heart aches.  throbs.  my eyes are full and sting from the salty tears that have threatened all day.  like the clouds that have hovered all afternoon.  i know that finally they will burst out.  but for now, i have to keep on my going out countenance.
and it was hard today because my kids were left where they were working without any of the adults that i thought would be there.  they felt..abandoned.  i hate that i did that to them.  makes me hurt. even more.
but so much good has come too.  it's not bad emotions.  it's just emotion.  like a rising tide.  welling up.  a part of being human.  of seeing our total lack of control and yet our resiliency.  i am awestruck.
i want to help those hurting even more, but i have to work.  and that frustrates me.  it stresses me to have my mind and heart so divided.  i want to be with my family.  i want to hear and see how they are processing and what they are doing.  but...i have to do my pay job as well.
and right now all i want is a nice long hug and a blanket and bed.  but it is not to be.  so...onward.
blessings.

i used to tell my kids...

when they were young and had chores that required "cooperation", i used to tell my kids, "you aren't done until all of you are done.  until the whole job is done."  and it was hard for them.  if they had managed to get an easier bit to do.  or decided not to do their part as well.  they were "done" sooner.  but not  done.  but,  they wanted to go on with life.  go do their own thing.  turn their back on what they all were supposed to accomplish together.
i am feeling like telling some of the grownups around me during this flood the same thing.  "we're not done until we are all done."  as in, our church isn't ready to go on as usual until all of the churches are cleaned up and cleaned out.  and our school community isn't ready for business as usual until we are sure that our whole district is ready....that every child has a safe place to go to.  and my home life isn't just normal until everyone has a home to have a life in.
my school has hurt me in this way.  they don't see.  they want to go on while our school district as a whole is reeling.  while families are trying to clean sewer sludge out of their yards, basements, living rooms, cars.  but the school powers that be want us to be ahead.  to move on.  and i think that they feel like it's a gold star in the eyes of others for them to be able to do so.  but it's not.  it's a black mark.  because people see when you behave as if you don't care.  you can say words about community.  you can say you care.  but if you don't make the time so that those of you who were spared can help those who were not, then it's only words.
we are going to have four hours of work on wednesday.  four hours that they could take that huge staff and dole them out in the trailer park across the street to help.  four hours that could be spent clearing debris from the area around the bridge that was destroyed right by our school.  we could have four hours to take drinks or food to the national guardsmen or policemen or firemen or emts that have worked tirelessly for a week.  who have kept our city going.  we could gather and make care packages.  or go find some of the elderly that were transported from the retirement home in lyons....that isn't there...and let them tell their stories.  there's so very very much that we could be doing to make our school truly great.  to make our students truly see the value of character and citizenship.  but instead,, we are looking at our own organization and how to simply "move on."  i wish they could know how that looks.  i don't live in lyons.  don't live in an evacuate d home.  but i feel the grief. like it's my own.  part of my personality.  i see the need.  i hear the cries.  feel the longing.  and i wish that i could explain it to them.  sometimes, if you really want to be great, you lift others up. maybe always.
blessings.

life

life is so....full.  of happy.  and sad.  and laughter.  and tears.  and work.  and play.  and hope.  and despair.  and they all get mixed up together.  never one thing all at once.
this week is the week of the colorado 2013 flood.  over 1200 people have been evacuated by helicopter.  almost 18,000 homes have been damaged.  fifty bridges.  1400 people are missing...haven't been heard from yet.  6 are dead.  pets are lost.  sludge covers yards and floors and roads and parks.  sewage geysers burst from the ground when the pressure builds up and spew raw sewage into the air like old faithful.  the national guard works 24/7 to be sure that people aren't doing anything stupid.  kids have been stranded, separated from their parents by the raging water.  barricades are set up.  people are living in towns that will have absolutely no access in a month...if they choose to stay there.  in our town, as the rain pounded down today...again....evacuation notices came every hour. usually "leave NOW"  notices.  a friend's family got that notice.  but, then it was lifted within the hour. but we had loaded up the dog and the cats and the desktop computer...so, we all just settled in.  and it was a comfort.  a joining. nice to have others in the house.  to all snuggle in and hear the laughter of the teens.
and tomorrow there is this huge event.  huge.  massive.  for the kids of lyons, colorado.  because these kids can't go back to their school until the roads, bridges, electric and sewers are all fixed in their little town.  they are part of our school district.  my kids go to school there.  and my daughter wanted to do something to help.  so we decided to get the kids together.  and i think that there are going to be 800 people there!!  i was just hoping someone would show up.  and i'm marveling at how god does things when we just listen and go forward.  people i don't know are giving food and drinks and supplies.  i'm overwhelmed at the outpouring.
so much emotion.  joy.  peace.  wondering.  thinking.  planning.  and just trying to wrap my mind around so much loss.  and so much kindness in the aftermath.  and wondering why we aren't always like that.  someone talked to me at church today that hasn't talked to me in a long time.  who purposefully walks the other way.
my ex is being weird.  he said he needed to take the kids out to lunch to talk to them about what has been happening.  mind you, it's been "happening" for four days.  and then later he texted me thank you for doing this thing for lyons.  and i realized that he also wanted to take the kids out to get info.  he's a news guy.  it was just strange.  but then i irritated him because i said that i didn't want him to take our son to the other side of town to watch the game because our town is bisected by the flood waters...and when it rains, they close the roads again.  he was "i wouldn't do that".  turns out that they didn't go watch the game anywhere.  my son had looked forward to it.
so my mind is busy.  though i'm tired and a bit drained.  i had awakened with a tummy ache about four a.m.  a friend saw that i had been on facebook and started texting me.  of course, by then, i had gone back to sleep, but i answered.  we texted for an hour or so.  then it was time to get up and see my daughter before she went to choir. then it was a kinda busy day.  i guess i forgot to take my sunday nap!  amazing.
with all that has been going on, for some reason having more people in our house feels right and good.  it feels safe and comfortable.  i am content tonight.  and...i am wondering how tomorrow will go.  a huge event...all because a young lady wanted to "do something" to help.  i hope she sees the hand of god and how listening to him creates miracles.
life is ALIVE.  active.  moving.  changing.  these are hard times where i live.  but they are good too.
blessings.

helping the needy

i've changed.  i see things differently.  i see how christians can be perceived by the world around.  because i see it now.  i got an email from my old church saying how the leadership staff had met to pray for our community and how they could meet the needs in the aftermath of the flood.  they began a sign up list for people to sign up to help.  they prayed.  they said that it was an opportunity to show jesus. the created a program.  they joined in with other organizations.
but...they didn't just open the doors.  they didn't pull people off of the streets.  they didn't just go where the people are.  they didn't just respond humanely.  it feels like a business rather than the heart of god.  church is not business.  church is a body.  a living breathing entity designed to do the works of jesus.
and i am a displaced church body part.  yet, i want to serve.
i've done hard things today.
reached out.
i want to show love.
i don't have an ulterior motive.
just to feed.
to give.
to love on.
to meet the needs of the heart.
to see.
to do.
just a little.
but something.
and i see how hearing christians say that they are praying about it when there's an obvious need right at their door must seem so hypocritical.
they don't mean it badly.
they have just forgotten to be in the world.....but not of it.
i had to go through some tough stuff to get it.
but i do get it.
and though it's hard...i'm glad to see a little clearer.   just a bit.
we don't have to ask god what to do when he has already made it clear.  help the needy.  feed the hungry.  comfort the helpless.  clothe the displaced people.  i think that he already has a precedent.  all we have to do is do it for each person/group that comes into our presence.
and open up our lives to them.
blessings.

ballsy

i am being ballsy.  something about holding your weeping daughter and hearing her fear of not being in school with her friends anymore because of the flood can really get you going.  my kids go to school in lyons, colorado.  yes, the one in the news.  the one that has totally flooded.  it's not that the school isn't there, it's that you can't get there from here.  the roads and bridges are out.  i mean gone.  washed away.  wreckage.  the town has been decimated.  it's heart wrenching.
so, i wrote the district superintendent.  i told him about the grief of my daughter and of her friends.  i talked about how they need to be together to process and cope.  and he wrote back and said that his goal will be to keep the staff and students together.  i cried.  my daughter told me to thank him.
then, i wrote to the board president at my school that wanted to get back to business as usual sooner than the rest of the district.  i can't tell you how amazingly flooded our city is.  words don't describe it.  so many people are going to need help.  7000 homes were evacuated.  We aren't a huge place.  People don't have power.  And water.  Bridges are washed away.  Roads are raging rivers.  And even when the water goes away, there will be loads of clean up.  I wrote and said that i thought that we should teach our students to be good citizens and help out with all of that rather than saying that our building is ok so we are going to go back to normal and let the rest of you sort out your problems.  it really upset me.  a lot.  so, i wrote.  to the whole school.  troublemaker?  maybe.  but lots of people were whispering about it.  nobody was just saying, "are you freaking insane?"
the kids are all grieving.  so much loss.  of stuff.  of a sense of safety.  of having what is normal.  my daughter has wanted to be at her school for two days.  she feels lost.  my son in his own way as well.
i was ballsy.  i did hard things.  brave things.  i stood up.
i'm proud.

difficult

i can't really say that i went through a difficult divorce.  i went through a difficult marriage.  the divorce? not so much.  but, i planned it that way.  i had already handled all i could handle.  i had already been pushed down.  and i was not going to fight over anything.  i wasn't getting a lawyer.  i was giving him nothing to compete against or push against.  not saying that it wasn't stressful...it was.  not saying that i wasn't appalled by the drama that ensued though i tried to have none.  but i am saying that in comparison to the difficulty of my marriage...it was easier.  my marriage did a number on me.  crushed me in many ways.  getting out of it was necessary.  but i was afraid.  i knew how it could end up.  i knew how he could make things be impossible.  so, i determined when i began the proceedings....yes, it was me that filed....that i wouldn't fight.  i wouldn't fight to get the kids.  wouldn't fight over money.  wouldn't fight over possessions.  and it was hard to tow the line.  to stay with that thought.  because i have "rights".  but i realize now that i was exercising my right to do it differently.  to not subject myself to any more pain than i was already going to have to face.
and i am thankful for that insight that i had about myself.  for the knowing that i needed to back off and get away more than i needed to have anything "my way".
divorce is difficult on so many levels.  this has not been a piece of cake.  i'm glad i chose to be deliberate about not battling.  i even told him that if he wanted to fight he would find himself fighting by himself because i'd had enough fighting.
glad for the more peaceful times.
blessings.

a gift

i woke up
i can walk
i can see
i can breathe...all on my own
i can hear...my daughter already up and showering
i am alive.
my heart is beating
my body can move
i can smell toast cooking
i can think about putting the coffee on
i can take my dog outside
and down the steps
i can move my fingers over these keys
i can read a good morning text from my son
i can make plans
i have time to love
i woke up
another day
another gift


blessings.

beauty everywhere

how i view the world lies in how i think.  in how i choose to see. i see so many negative posts on facebook.  so much complaining in the world.  i hear so many hating their lives.  their looks. their lot.  but...
i see beauty everywhere.
in the brightness of our puppy's eyes.
in the smile of my daughter.
in the hug of my son.
in the splash of a puddle
in the flash of lightening.
in the child's kick on a swing.
in the flicker of a candle on a dark night.
in the flutter of baby kicks.
in the grip of a newborn on my finger.
the gaze of a small child investigating an insect.
the green of a leaf as it first unfurls
the pop of a poppy when it opens
the golden color of honey
in the snuggle of a dog
or a cat
in the rain coming down like sheets
in the crashing waves
in the warm sand
in the gurgling stream
in the clouds shaped like dolphins and turtles
in the art of people who create
in the design of each unique human face
in the delightful laughter of friends
in the eyes of one who loves
beauty
absolutely everywhere.
everywhere.
if only seen.
but....to those that focus on the big
bitter
bad
baleful
.....
beauty
is
banished

dear ex husband

dear ex husband,
if you are trying to prove that you have turned over a new leaf.  that you are a new man.  that you finally get it.  well, frankly, you should try making your kids feel valuable by time spent.  by moments shared.  by being their dad.  making them feel important.  showing up when you say you will.  letting them know that they have priority.
you should pick up the phone and actually talk to them.  you should meet their needs with less regard to your wants.
but, instead, you let them meet your needs and let their successes feed your self pride.
you must feel so puffed up with so many church people lapping up your victim status and tsk tsking over how hard it must be for you to hardly see your children.  but the truth is still the truth.  i don't have to blast it for it to remain the truth.  you don't parent.  you showcase.  you play.  you show them off.  when you look at them, your heart doesn't melt.  you aren't in awe of them.
you say how you've changed.  you ask people to pray for restoration of our marriage.  really, could you pray to develop a sense of compassion?  could you delve into the whys that you landed here in the first place?
we have a son that tries so hard to meet your needs.  to do what you want.  to take care of you.  and you?  you take him forgranted.
i feel pity for you.
you are living a lie to make yourself look good to all of the wrong people.
it's not a contest, a sport.  the church people aren't fans to gain adoration from.  it's parenthood.  it's laying down our lives.  it's being interested.  it's caring.  it's more than "providing".  it's providing self worth.  it's giving unconditional love.  it's caring enough to ask hard questions.  it's helping them to be ready to fly.
you take.  you say you love because you like what we give to you.  but love isn't boastful or proud.  it holds others up rather than smashing them down to hold yourself up.
you have changed....you're even more charming than before to the public at large.  it doesn't help.  i've got my b.s. glasses on.

dear church people

dear church people,
just because you see my ex there every sunday and rarely see me at all, don't assume that i have become a non believer.  just because you see my ex out with our one son once a week, don't assume that he is parenting.  just because he doesn't have parenting time, don't assume that i took it from him.  just because i got divorced, don't assume that i am loved less by god.  and don't assume that i did it for selfish or sinful reasons.  and i do notice when you look the other way.  walk the other way.  i do notice how the very few of you that said that i am so important and to please reconsider my decision...have never contacted me again.  don't think that because someone teaches sunday school and sings in choir that you know them.  and certainly don't judge their parenting by how often you see them out in public with their children.
you know, i walked into your building today.  and for the first time ever, i didn't feel the huge and overwhelming urge to cry.  to weep because my friends...people i've loved and invested in....have turned away because i did something they don't agree with.  and yet.....my ex is welcomed.  i was ok.  and i realized that the grief is passing.  that though you have been a part of my life and though i miss you still, i'm not willing to play the game.  i am not willing to try to convince you to give me the benefit of the doubt.  which, you most assuredly have not.
i have been on my own for over a year and a half.  i have been contacted by two to tell me i needed to "straighten up" and get back in god's will.  i have been asked to give the reason/s for my choice.  but i have not been offered comfort.  nor kindness.  nor help.  nobody brought meals.  nor helped me shovel snow.  nor clean my house when i had to work and get ready for a graduation party.  none of you were there to comfort my kids.  you see them.  you assume things.  but you have no idea what they have lived through.  you don't know that trying to keep things looking normal nearly destroyed us.  and you don't know how truly amazing they are.  they don't air their dirty laundry.  they don't use it as an excuse.
my dear church people.  i miss you.  but i probably won't be coming back because it's too hard facing the apathy, the meanness, the judgement, the assumptions.
i get that i failed.  truly, i do.
and i get that my being happy now rubs you the wrong way.  but, i am.
so, i'll miss you.  but what has been sad?  you haven't missed me at all.
blessings.

love life

i thought when i was young that a love life meant romance, a man and sex.  i've changed my mind.  a love life is a life lived with passion and genuine love.  it is exuberance.  it is sensual and tactile.  it is giving.  but it doesn't necessarily mean a romantic interlude or marriage or anything of the sort.
my life is fuller than before.  it is genuine.  it is a time of being able to get filled up and being able to give from the filling rather than trying to force something.
i can truly say that even in the mundane, the difficult, the trouble, the worry, the good byes, the heartache....that my "love life" is better than it was during my marriage.  because i have real relationships.  transparent.  i am able to be true with my kids.  not bad mouthing someone else, but true about how i am.
and maybe that's what makes a successful love life.....learning to love who you are and how you are and learning to run with those giddy feelings that bring ecstasy rather than always having to button down what you love and are interested in and trying to fit into everything.
my love life is wonderful.  though i share it with no romantic interest at this point. :)  i love living.  i love life.  i love the fact that i have survived this very difficult year and a half.  love it.
everyone should get a love life.

Over it

To some degree, after this year and a half, I'm "over it".  I'm over much guilt.  I'm over much grief.  I'm over much shame.  I'm over the constant jabs and inconsiderations.  Oh, I vent when they occur again, but I don't even care if he knows any more.  He didn't care when we were married.  So, I wonder what made me think that he would care how I felt or what I needed after we weren't married.  That doesn't even make sense.
Today was another example of how he stumbles through our world trying  to show how he is parenting and doing his share while not communicating nor making a plan.  Our daughter was not going to go on her weekend retreat because she had things to do with school.  He said that he would drive her a day late.  Now, I didn't hear from him, mind you.  He didn't ask if she could go.  He didn't ask if I had plans.  He didn't communicate by email text or smoke signal.  My daughter told me this information.  And then I asked if I should go to the church to pay..since we hadn't signed up.  She wasn't sure if it had been paid.  She did know that she was going to have to sleep on the floor while others were going to have beds.  They are staying in condos in the mountains.  My ex works with the youth.  He has influence within the leaders.  It is awkward because I want my daughter to be free to share.  To be truthful.  Yet....she is kind of caught.  I'm not saying that she needs to go and air laundry about her dad, just that it's not like she could...or should.  He has set himself up as a victim.  My daughter would not be received well by some if she said anything negative.  Anyway, he is taking her up.  With a friend who needed to go late as well.
So, my daughter tells me last night that she's getting picked up at 7:30 this morning.  I was up early.  Wasn't sure about breakfast or anything.  You know, since there was no plan.  She thought they might get something on the way....I hope so....she gets cranky when she doesn't get food regularly. ;)  Then, she and I spent about half an hour waiting on the porch steps for her dad to arrive.  Suddenly, her friend's dad's car pulls up!  Have I mentioned that I am BRALESS AND IN MY PJ'S?  I run for the house while apologizing to my daughter that I didn't know that people were coming.  She's laughing.  I go get decent and go back out in time to wave goodbye to the dad of her friend...who probably thought that I was fleeing from HIM.  Yikes.  I was, but not for the reasons he might have supposed.  Waited with she and her friend for a few more minutes and then had to take care of the dogs inside...while I was in, her dad arrived and got out of his car to help load up their bags and sleeping bags.  As they were leaving, I waved and said goodbye to her and to have a good time....he turned and said thanks.  SERIOUSLY???
It was just classic.  Made plans to do things at MY HOUSE.  To have people meet here without even telling me.  Without even touching base so that I would know that our daughter was actually doing as she said.....not that she's a liar, but frankly, if she was, with this setup, she could get away with a lot.
I had to give her the money for the weekend meals.  I get to pay.  But he does the things that give him the most advertising for the least amount of input.  Everyone at church will know what he did.  Nobody knows that he sees her irregularly and never personally.  He gets to look like the doting father while also getting to have very little responsibility.  He doesn't train or discipline.  He doesn't teach or mentor.  He doesn't get challenged and questioned.  He's just....a guy.  That drives.  Or takes to dinner.  Or plays games.
And I guess all of this got me to the point of seeing how....over it I am.  Just don't care.  I feel sorry for him.  There is this part of me that feels that I should go back to my role of making things right for him.  Habit.  I know that isn't the voice of truth.  Just the voice of who I am and how I care and the fact that I really hate seeing people uncomfortable...hurting.  But I'm over feeling like crap every time someone sees him and idolizes what he does.  And the fact that I don't get even the slightest recognition from those same church people.  I'm over it....because what they see isn't TRUE.  And while I am never going to have people see and understand.....it doesn't really matter.  My kids know.  I know.  And that's good enough.  We are able to admit the truth.  Even when it's ever so quietly.  And at the same time, I'm able to allow him to do what he can and take credit for all.  That's how it has always been.  And by personality, I probably won't change it.  I have no desire to be in the limelight.  I simply have a desire to make sure that my kids feel heard, loved, safe, pushed adequately, and absolutely treasured.  That they are confident in that.  And.....who gets the credit?  Who cares?
I'm over it.
People who know me.....might understand.  People who know him....wait, I don't think there are any.  He fakes it.  And that is a very sad place to be.
However...it gets some good things for the kids, so leaving it be is ok.
I'm smiling.  Hugely.  As I realize once again...I'm not only relieved, I'm HAPPY.  GLORIOUSLY HAPPY.  I choose joy.
I choose happy.
I choose....love.
I choose forgiveness.
I choose to be over it.
To be real about what I feel and to realize that how people view me isn't based on truth but on the spin that they see.  Oh well.
Onward.
I have a great life.
blessings.

father and child

it happened again.  as it does now and then.  i see this look, this adoration, this compassion, this pride, this absolute love...on the face of a father when he sees his son.  and it stops me right where i am.  marveling.  soaking it up.  grieving that my boys have never had that.  it took me a long time to see what it was that was missing.  it's that genuine being in love with your child.  not from me.  from my ex.  i used to have a longing when i would watch him with them.  i couldn't put my finger on it.  but, now....i feel it, see it, recognize it.
genuine.  sincere.  unrestrained.  fathers loving their sons.  affection.  gentleness.
i watched it tonight.  i practically devoured the moment.
it was precious.
and beautiful.
and then.  i looked a few feet away to the man that i was once married to and i felt so very sorry for him.  by caring for himself, he has totally missed out on the most beautiful parts of being a parent.  of having relationship.  and he lost me.  completely and totally.  and for the first time, i appreciated how hard that must be.  because while i don't feel arrogant, i now am realizing that whether he ever gets it or not....i was and am....someone you want in your corner.
i went to a football game for my kids' high school.  i stayed in the stadium where my ex was.  and.....i realized that i have a beautiful life.  free.  and he lost me.  how sad for him.
for so long i felt so badly about failing.  about giving up.  about not being there for him.  but now, all that kept going through my mind was how he doesn't even understand the best things that he lost.  and that is saddest of all.
i wish that i had ever seen that look pass over his face that i've seen with people who are completely enchanted....but i didn't.
i think maybe....he settled.  maybe he should have waited for someone that he was proud of.  and then maybe he would have been proud of the kids too?
poor guy gets pity.  not respect.
hope he figures it out so he doesn't miss another couple of decades of amazing stuff.

reflector

i love the fact that i don't have to shine.  not on my own.  i just have to reflect.  be a reflector.  of god's shining.  of his glory.  reflect his love.  his peace.  it's nothing i have to manufacture.  or concoct.  or work up.  it's just him.  using me as a reflective device to shine in his world.
very cool.  very comforting.  very reassuring.  very beautiful.
i am only responsible for being willing to see the debris on the reflector and allowing him to clean it off.  he doesn't even ask me to do the cleaning.  just asking him.  being negative.  focusing on the bad.  choosing evil.  doing wrong.  these things collect on the reflector and cause it to not be able to do it's job.  but...no problem.  the master cleaner is willing and able.
i am blessed.
thinking of you tonight.
praying for you.
as you walk through all of the things that have brought you here.
breathe.
again.
and again.
yep, you are going to be ok.
blessings.

i'm not

i'm not
super intelligent
interested in current affairs
politically minded
socially connected
popular
extravagantly beautiful
fabulously rich
stylish

i'm also not
mean
impoverished
pathetic
unkind
competitive
ugly
stupid

i'm
me

period.

and i am just right
in the just now

blessings.

choosing to believe

i am choosing to believe in my son. you know, the one that didn't ever really go out and look for a job but got asked to do odd jobs and eventually landed a job with a friend.  the one that...i don't think i ever saw do any homework except for a few math problems in the car on the way to school.  who wasn't particularly involved nor interested in high school.  who has played video games for nearly two years straight.  who doesn't go to bed until morning and is totally grumpy when he has to get up before 11.....or so.
THAT son.  The one that I adore.  Fight with.  Push.  But....finally realized that I just had to let him figure it out.  And THAT son decided that he needed to go to college.  That he WANTED to go to college.  And study business.
And I could have said no.  He didn't apply for scholarships.  Or write essays.  Or even do his own FAFSA.  But there's this part of me that knows that what he really needs....is for his mom to believe that he can do what he sets his mind to.  and that he might stumble a bit.  but that he still needs to try.
and this choosing to believe.  this putting everything on the line monetarily.  it's strangely satisfying.  because i know that he knows.....i held absolutely nothing back.  i didn't bargain or bully.  i gave.  i loved.  i helped.
and i hope that he finds exactly what he needs.
because i love him much.  and dearly.  just as he is.
and i believe in the man that is inside too.
gonna be a fun ride!
i'm glad that i risked getting on.
i know that some parents say not to, but hey, i get to choose what to do to the best of my ability.  i might be totally wrong.  but, at least i erred on the side of grace.
i mean, he may not have done a lot of spectacular academic things, but there are sure a lot of shady, unsavory things that he chose not to do.  he is a pretty nice human being.  who chooses sobriety and treating people with respect.  he doesn't use people.  he has a lot to admire.
and i choose to believe.  not that he'll get it all right.  not that he'll magically come to adore school.  i choose to believe.....in him.
blessings.

the real things

the real things aren't the data.  they aren't the tweaking of numbers.  success is not based on simple math.  we are human beings.  the real things are much deeper than a grade.  a percent.  a spreadsheet.  a number.  we, as people, long to connect with others.  to be seen.  to be heard.  to be understood.  it is a primal need.  as deep and as necessary as food and shelter.  we can go for a time without....but going for too long, starves our psyche and causes us to act out, retreat, give up or get mad.  i see this with kids.  i see the desperate plea in them for me to see them.  to adore them.  to understand them.
maybe i see because i know how it feels?  maybe it's a gift?  i don't know.  but, i know that it's as real to me as cake on a birthday.  as salt on a margarita.  it's not some bizarre thing that is ethereal.  i feel it.  see it.  get it.  and it wears me out.  because my heart engages.  i dive in.  i choose to see.  to notice.  to build.  to give praise.  to give direction.  to train.  to reteach.  i choose to do so much more than change a letter grade.  i long to change a life.  a being.  i long to instill hope and peace.  to show gentleness, kindness and firmness.  i want to be a teacher.  not a computer.  not a reader of printouts.  i want to be aware of a whole person.  a complete being.
therein are the real things.  the things that matter.
because....who really cares if you get math but lose hope?  or learn to read, but fail to make it because you lost hope?
my job is much more complex than the simple numbers that some try to reduce it to.  they can't find a formula.  they have to invest time.  and thought.  and prayer.  they have to get in and get messy.  it's the only way.
blessings.

Gold Star

I'm pretty sure that I nearly berated myself tonight.  I was in the car returning a movie and all I could think was how tired I was and how I just wanted to take a bath and lay down.  And I thought how lazy I was.  And how so much needs to be done.  And how so many people do it so much better. And then...

I stopped.

I got up at 5:45 this morning and left the house with my teens at 6:50.  I made coffee before we left.  Fed the dogs.  Took the dogs out a couple of times.  Woke up my son.  I drove them 7 miles in the opposite direction of where I work because I enjoy being with them in the morning though it takes time out of my day and makes me get to work later than is always comfortable.  I went to work.  I connected with some kids that need so much more than math facts and reading skills.  I was firm.  I was kind.  Very kind.  All day.  I didn't raise my voice.  I did and re-did things to train them.  To teach them routine and structure.  I left work more than nine hours after I had arrived, dropped a friend at home, went to the bank and went home to COOK A HOMEMADE MEAL.  We sat down and ate together.  We discussed life.  And college stuff.  And fitting in.  I wiped the counters and rinsed dishes.  Loaded the dishwasher.  Left the pans.  Went to return the movie.  And THAT'S where I was when I was telling myself how I need to kick it in gear and do better.
But then I decided.  I don't deserve such bad thoughts, I deserve a gold star and a pat on the back.  I ROCKED this day.  I chose a good attitude.  I chose laughter and love.  I chose happy. I chose faith.  I chose giving.
And suddenly....I even thought that maybe I really might sorta kinda be worthy of a gold star.  Just for those simple things that I did today.
I'm used to living where nothing is enough.
Turns out.....doing what's put before me for today is enough.  I am enough.  Because Jesus is enough.
Gold star it is.
Cool.

always been

exactly so

permission

i can give myself permission.
permission to excel.
permission to try new things.
permission to be silly.
permission to rest.  even to be lazy.
permission to purchase things.
permission to travel.
permission to speak.
permission to be quiet.
freeing.
tonight i am giving myself permission to simply rest and go to bed very early.
and sleep until morning.
and get up and go to work refreshed.
after taking my sweeties to school.
i have faced a lot this weekend.
i always forget how emotional it is to have a kid go....
i need to rest.
blessings.

parenting better

i have been a lazy parent.
granted, i have had some stuff to deal with, but nonetheless, i owe them more than that.  i owe them a routine.  i owe them good habits.  i owe them teaching.  i did it with my olders.  my middle one got a bit lost in the crisis times.  but, it's not too late to start again.  to do better.
i have not given enough thought to the teaching.  to the chores.  to the making sure that i meet MY responsibilities for things like meals and having a plan and a schedule.
i pray.  we have muddled through at times.
it's not that we're not ok.
i want better.
i want to be a parent that is worthy of the amazing kids i've been blessed to have.
so.  i spent my day trying to get things in order.  as a matter of fact, i spent the many last weeks of summer doing so.
we are going to begin anew.
i am going to rest more than i used to...because i need it.
but, i am also going to be more purposeful and gently leading.  guiding.
i pray for the grace to lead them not to religion.  the grace to see the living god.  in his holiness and majesty.  in his completeness.  not in a punishment mode of "you better get into his word."  but in a guiding mode that shows that he will meet you anywhere.  that he hears every prayer.  that he longs to be daddy.
a real daddy.
always proud of them.
always willing to lead and hold.
always willing to pick up.
i want to parent like he parents me.
with joy.
and peace.
and kindness.
but....not with no expectations or hopes.  high expectations.  with an open heart to hearing their dreams.
i don't want to warehouse or showcase or manage.....i want to parent.  

another good day

life is bright.  shining.  full of potential.  i am hopeful.  joyful.  i see that life changes and it changes me but it doesn't have to destroy me.  that by letting go, forgiving and simply working to see clearly, praying to think kindly, i can grow into the woman i was created to be.
we each have a place to fill in the world.
mine is unique.
as is yours.
so, we all need to keep moving.  even if it feels like a very slow journey.  even if we slip on the rocks.  always learning.  always getting stronger.
the life in the living is what's important.
the breath in the being.
i am not a victim.
i had a lot of crap happen to me that nobody wants to hear or see.  but...it's not about them.  it's about pointing to a god who is enough.  and....he IS enough.
so, i face another day.
three kids shy of my full set.
but so dang proud of how they are.  of where they are.
i might hurt.  cry.  weep even.  but i won't ever hold them back.  or stop believing in them.  their journey is circuitous as well.
they are finding their way.  their purpose.  their hope.  their faith.
i pray.  i love.  i believe for them when they can't even see to believe.
i'm their mom.
i'm their parent.
it's another good day.
off i go.  things to do.  rest to be had as well.
blessings.

Not a Coward

Well, I said words.  I didn't quite get there.  But, it wasn't the time.  I'm not sure that it ever will be.  That's ok.  Some things we carry on our own.  Too much in everyone's lives.  I saw my one friend check out when I started to talk.  It's hard on her.  But, I can't fix that.  So, I will just do my best to be true.
I don't hate.  Not now.  I don't nag or bug.  I don't want to be fake.
He grinned at me over people's heads in the foyer of the church today.  I rather glared, I think.  Or kinda shook my head sadly.  How dare he continue to act as if things are ok.  Like we talk.  Like life was ok.  I do not get it.
My son told me things that hurt my heart.   About his own feelings.  About events that happened.  It was heavy.  Probably why I'm tired and chilled.  Gotta be ready to rock and roll on Tuesday.
I'm not a coward.  I have courage.  I guess maybe my courage will just have to be to walk this road and not say the harder stuff.  Such is life.  Not always fair.  But, always beautiful.  Always a gift.
Good night.

Courage My Love

So many times there are things that need said.  Thoughts that need let out.  So many times, I listen to others or answer benign questions.  Keeping things safely superficial for them.  But I think that they need to know some things.  Need to know that I'm not bitter but that it has been a long time and I've all but disappeared without being sought out.  And that........I understand.  That I wanted to talk to them in the very beginning.  That I wanted to let it all out.  But it never worked out that way.  There were roadblocks.  And those must have been the way they kept themselves safe.
So, I will love.  Still care.  But I have to go on and find relationships that don't feel like I've chosen second best.  That don't feel like I'm without cause.
Not easy.  Grace to my words.  Gentleness.  May my heart be ever kind.  People can only give what they can.  Period.
And yet, I can move on and be happy.  Be strong.  Be completely and gloriously gracious.  Without giving up who I am or changing to make others happier.  But I can also....not expect them to change either.
Courage my love....you're going to need it.

overlooked or simply invisible

life has changed a lot in the last couple of years. with those that i was the best of friends....of those that i considered like family...i feel overlooked, but i think that i'm just invisible to them.  i walked into church today.  just to drop something off.  and it struck me how totally invisible i am there.  i got an obligatory hug from a good friend of the past.  most people averted their eyes.  my ex was totally in the midst of it all.  and i was......nobody.
and.....i didn't care anymore.  i'm over it.  i'm happy.  i get that people do what they need to in order to function.
and...i am going to move along and be happy.
i am going to look for what it takes to be happy.
to live.  to grow.
i am going to overcome and be purposeful.
and i'm not going to hang on to those who would walk away.
i haven't been ready or able to let go up til now.  though i kept knowing i must.  just needed to hang on a bit longer.  hope.  but, now, i'm ok.
those who turn away WERE my friends.  in a different time.  those who won't speak to me.  those who talk about me when I'm not around.  oh well.
i'm appalled at how infrequently i am contacted.  by how little anyone asks any deep questions.  i am literally shocked.  but, it's losing the sting.  it's becoming the norm.
an afterthought....."we are.......would you want to come?"  only if i show up.  i am an outsider.  i am not expected.  i am out of sight, out of mind.  i am a ghost.
and i simply don't care anymore.  something happened this weekend.  it would be fun to have people to really share with.
but it doesn't happen.
life with friends became my most dreaded thing.....shallow.  i despise shallow.
so, i'll just keep living.  i'll be me.  i'll keep walking.
and in time, i'll move on.  life will change again.  it always does.
doesn't mean i won't weep.  doesn't mean i haven't mourned.
just means that i've learned.  people can love and then......need to move out and on.  i don't want to hurt or divide.
my ex......there's not a soul here for me to explain it to.  but that doesn't mean that there won't be a time and place in life that my story won't matter.  in time.
funny....never imagined that even in this that i could be......very happy.
blessings.

I'm Trading My Sorrows with Lyrics

Yes, I truly am

Not over Yet

So, the pass was behind me.  I was feeling pretty giddy.  Filled.  I got a Starbucks in the next town.  Then decided to drive through my first college town.  It would take me thirty minutes longer home, but I have wanted to for years.  To take some time and look around.  To...remember.  To maybe see that young woman I was.  As I came into the river valley, I felt it.  Home.  Peace.  It was lovely.  And when I arrived and drove the streets, I remembered clearly the dreams I've had for years of going back and not being able to find anything.  Turns out, I found so much.  My first dorm.  My first rental house.  My campus.  Restaurants we loved.  The donut shop.  My BSU house.  The park where I would swing and talk with friends about problems and spiritual things.  The McDonald's where my friends arranged my 20th bday party with the children's games and all.  Ahhh.  Then I drove by the house of a good friend.  I slowed.  Wondered if she and her husband still live there.  But couldn't bring myself to knock upon the door.  I think I'll write a letter.  Then, I headed out to make it over the last big pass before dark.  It was pretty non eventful except for the semi in front of me.  He was terrified.  The brakes smoked as he crawled around each curve.  At least this pass had guard rails!  Mostly.  But, I felt his pain and kept back.  Then, forward to a part of the drive that should have been peacefully easy.  A drive that I have done dozens and dozens of times.  Through a huge valley area.  I had nearly a hundred miles to go before I would be back to civilization.  So, I got beef jerky and candy and headed out.  Too late realizing my folly.  My peaceful drive was not to be.  It seems that every RV in the Denver metro area was heading west.  Lights bright.  Hundreds at a time.  A continuous stream.  My eyes ached.  Watching the road was hard enough, watching for deer was quite impossible.  The completely dark sky and surrounding countryside pierced by the unnatural lights of so many vehicles.  On my side there were never more than three of us.  Usually just me.  Going the "wrong" way for the holiday.
I remembered all of the prayers that God has answered before as I pled not only that I would see wildlife before it was too late, but that there simply wouldn't be any. Just one of those approaching vehicles swerving would have wiped out many.  They were all following nose to tail.  I had already had to STOP on a highway for a car that decided to pass a semi when there was a curve.  There was no place for me to go.  The semi was trying to slow down...and not cause an accident behind him...I stopped.  The car clipped in front of the semi just in front of my bumper.  I said, "shit".......a seriously close call with no other choice of where to go.  It reminded me of how precious life is.  Of how I don't have to be in control.  That all I can do is go forward.  Rest in being cared for.  So...I kept going.  At least it was only raining lightly by then!
I pushed toward home.  To the place that I live now.  With my past self whispering in my ear.  Reminding me of happy things.  And...that I would return to those places again.  That there was nobody holding me back anymore.  What a relief.
Two boys off to college this week.  A hugely eventful trip.  I came home bone tired.  I've slept much.  Very much.  Deeply.  I need it.  So much to do.  But right now, I just need to recover.
blessings.

Over the Pass

On my way home from dropping my son off at college, I had to choose how to go home.  Same way we came?  Or, North, over the many passes AND the million dollar highway that is hands down the scariest road I'd ever been on in my life.  Oh, I remembered it as soon as I made the decision.  But, going home that way allowed me the chance to hit the western slope and snatch up some lovely, end of summer produce.  And, to go through areas that are meaningful to me.  Off I went.  I got gas.  I became a sight seer.  I slowed my mind and heart.  Not on a race.  A journey.  Of discovering.  I had gone over two passes already....in the rain, mind you.  With tires that had begun to trouble me with the slickness and the no guard rails coming up.  Then, it began.  It's switchbacks and I was on the outside....the side with the cliff down the edge right next to me.  And...the white line was nearly right on the edge....with no rail anywhere.  And yes, rain.  Did I mention that I had another realization?  It was the beginning of Labor Day weekend.  Yes, all of the RVs were climbing the opposite direction.  There are no places where slow traffic can go right...and though it's unusual for me, I would have given anything for a place to get over!  Not my norm.  No, this road is different.  And beautiful.  Really beautiful.  But I was literally scared out of my mind.  The first time I had ever done it, it was an adventure.  It made me feel a sense of accomplishment.  This time, it pulled up every fear I have in every area of my life and challenged me.  Overwhelmed me.  And my prayers became so much more fervent.  I could not weep.  If I did, I wouldn't be able to see.  My mascara would burn my eyes.  I knew this.  So, I still my heart and listened.  And I heard.  Oh, you might say it was my own mind.  But, it was a voice that came with peace and calm.  "Quit looking over the edge, quit worrying about what could happen, quit berating your decision.  Drive.  Go forward.  Rest. Go your own speed.  Don't be pushed to rush."  And I calmed. I chose something different. I focused on the road and not the terror of the cliff.  And the road came to an end.  Well, that part.  And I sucked in air.  LOTS of it.  I felt..proud.  Because it wasn't about that road.  It was about the possibility of failure in my life.  It hangs over me all of the time.  I lived through so much that beat me down and I keep coming face to face with how fearful I had become. I used to ski like mad...the hard places.  I drove roads that would make you wet your pants.  I hiked.  I went places on trips in my car.  I traveled.  I wasn't afraid. Oh, I was smart.  I took what I needed in case of emergency.  Whether in car or on foot.  I didn't go four wheeling alone.  Nor camping.  Nor hiking.  I did do road trips.  But I let people know what direction I was heading.....you know, the days before cell phones. ;)  But I didn't second guess myself.  I didn't worry whether I had gotten it right.  I just enjoyed the trip.  I learned and grew.  And then, my marriage nearly destroyed me.  My ex nearly destroyed me.
He seems so nice and normal.  So helpful.  So regular.  But he liked for me to not be sure.  He was constantly throwing out how I was going to cause us ruin.  How irresponsible I was.  It made me sad.  It made me mad.  It hurt.  It never ended.  But what I didn't realize is that it had chipped away at my spirit so very deeply.  I thought that I could just go back to being brave and free.  But it turned out that he had stolen that very place that had existed.
But I went over the pass.  And I realized that the place can grow back because I have a garden of courage to nurture it.  I can grow it by continuing to choose to walk. By doing the things that are a part of my dream.  Of the fabric of who I am.  That's what healing looks like for me.  Not going back.  Going forward to find the woman that can be confident again.  For real confident.  I look forward to it.  Until then, there will be some hairy pass crossings.  But, I'll get over.  I have a Driver.  I'll be just fine.
blessings.