difficult

i can't really say that i went through a difficult divorce.  i went through a difficult marriage.  the divorce? not so much.  but, i planned it that way.  i had already handled all i could handle.  i had already been pushed down.  and i was not going to fight over anything.  i wasn't getting a lawyer.  i was giving him nothing to compete against or push against.  not saying that it wasn't stressful...it was.  not saying that i wasn't appalled by the drama that ensued though i tried to have none.  but i am saying that in comparison to the difficulty of my marriage...it was easier.  my marriage did a number on me.  crushed me in many ways.  getting out of it was necessary.  but i was afraid.  i knew how it could end up.  i knew how he could make things be impossible.  so, i determined when i began the proceedings....yes, it was me that filed....that i wouldn't fight.  i wouldn't fight to get the kids.  wouldn't fight over money.  wouldn't fight over possessions.  and it was hard to tow the line.  to stay with that thought.  because i have "rights".  but i realize now that i was exercising my right to do it differently.  to not subject myself to any more pain than i was already going to have to face.
and i am thankful for that insight that i had about myself.  for the knowing that i needed to back off and get away more than i needed to have anything "my way".
divorce is difficult on so many levels.  this has not been a piece of cake.  i'm glad i chose to be deliberate about not battling.  i even told him that if he wanted to fight he would find himself fighting by himself because i'd had enough fighting.
glad for the more peaceful times.
blessings.