Sometimes I feel like I got gipped. I mean, I got to have sex. With that one guy. And frankly, at the beginning it was nice just to have the curiosity fulfilled. And I really did try to make it.....more than just mundane. Though I wasn't schooled in what could/should be done. I am a person who understands what other people want. But, frankly, it was never that connection people talk about. I felt...owned. I felt like I was always being cajoled to do what would make it better for him with no thought to the fact that maybe it wasn't just about him. And I felt.....used. It didn't feel loving. It didn't feel like connection. It wasn't a bonding. It was actually sad. I cried myself to sleep many times. Sex was just sex. It wasn't intimacy. And that's too bad.
And so, sometimes I wish that I was one of those people that might just try it out. At least see what I was missing in the realm of fun. And maybe even of intimacy. But, I'm not one of those. Sometimes I think "what if I was?" You know, one of those "girls" that would hit the back seat of the car with my latest guy I found on the internet. But though I try, I just can't even imagine my being able to.
And I'm not a prude. And I am not afraid of sex. And I'm not even ashamed of my body. Though...that would be interesting at this age. I guess that I know myself. I know that it would mean too much. I know that I am built for intimacy. For relationship. For connection. For unity. And I would never again settle for less.
So, I learn to enjoy my bed. I learn to share with others. I write my deep thoughts. I learn to let go of those who will move on and have marriages again. Who will need a man more than they need me. That I will be the spinster.
And frankly, it doesn't sound horrible. Oh, if I were the type to have a little taste now and then, that would be nice, I guess. But I wasn't that way when I was young, never married and single. Back then, I was curious. I wondered how it all worked. Getting married was the only option. Turns out that it wasn't that big of a perk.
I remember how I wished and hoped and tried for it to be what I longed for. Tried to be what would be the right kind of woman in a marriage. The right kind of partner. But I never measured up. There was always disappointment. Always a sense that he was doing me a favor.
And sometimes it does cross my mind, "is he having sex now?" And was it just me? Did he just use me but he'll love someone else? But the whole truth is that it doesn't matter. I can't help it either way. e wanted sex, but he didn't want intimacy...at least not with me....but maybe he will with someone else and maybe that will mean that I wasn't what he wanted. But, oh well. That is just how it is.
Sex. It's not enough. Intimacy. Closeness. Bonding. Having the healthy relationship that goes with the physical part....then, that could be pretty cool.
But frankly, I'm done with drama.
I think I'll just enjoy my spinsterhood the best that I can.....and that seems to be pretty darn good.
blessings.
And so, sometimes I wish that I was one of those people that might just try it out. At least see what I was missing in the realm of fun. And maybe even of intimacy. But, I'm not one of those. Sometimes I think "what if I was?" You know, one of those "girls" that would hit the back seat of the car with my latest guy I found on the internet. But though I try, I just can't even imagine my being able to.
And I'm not a prude. And I am not afraid of sex. And I'm not even ashamed of my body. Though...that would be interesting at this age. I guess that I know myself. I know that it would mean too much. I know that I am built for intimacy. For relationship. For connection. For unity. And I would never again settle for less.
So, I learn to enjoy my bed. I learn to share with others. I write my deep thoughts. I learn to let go of those who will move on and have marriages again. Who will need a man more than they need me. That I will be the spinster.
And frankly, it doesn't sound horrible. Oh, if I were the type to have a little taste now and then, that would be nice, I guess. But I wasn't that way when I was young, never married and single. Back then, I was curious. I wondered how it all worked. Getting married was the only option. Turns out that it wasn't that big of a perk.
I remember how I wished and hoped and tried for it to be what I longed for. Tried to be what would be the right kind of woman in a marriage. The right kind of partner. But I never measured up. There was always disappointment. Always a sense that he was doing me a favor.
And sometimes it does cross my mind, "is he having sex now?" And was it just me? Did he just use me but he'll love someone else? But the whole truth is that it doesn't matter. I can't help it either way. e wanted sex, but he didn't want intimacy...at least not with me....but maybe he will with someone else and maybe that will mean that I wasn't what he wanted. But, oh well. That is just how it is.
Sex. It's not enough. Intimacy. Closeness. Bonding. Having the healthy relationship that goes with the physical part....then, that could be pretty cool.
But frankly, I'm done with drama.
I think I'll just enjoy my spinsterhood the best that I can.....and that seems to be pretty darn good.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.