i was in the tub thinking. i love my deep tub. my hot baths. very pleasant. as a matter of fact, it was on vacation that i took my first shower in about a year. and i used to be all about showers. slowing down, i guess.
but i was thinking about what i wrote before. thinking about how the reality of life is that most of my current friends will be...or are and will remain....married in our old years. And how I had rather pictured being some of those girls that go on girl trips and hang out, but that it's probably unrealistic. and i tried to think through how i feel about that. still not really sure. but i think it will be ok. i think that i'll learn. because looking around, most of my friends will really enjoy that. i'm just....content. i like having friends. i like getting to go out without guilt. i like coming home without owing sex. yes, it was a payment for getting time away. demanded and expected. and so...i like not having to face demands when i'm tired or simply content to go to sleep. i also like not having the incessant jealousy. it was way too much.
and the thing is...i didn't know before i was married. so, i guess i figure that the same thing could happen again. my ex is mr. charming. choir boy. sunday school teacher. athlete. hard worker. see? all's good, right? but it wasn't. i even asked all of the questions about faith and future and vision. but somehow i missed something. i don't regret him. i wish i would have understood sooner. i wish that i would have done less damage to myself in the process. but i am honestly not sure that i would want to try that long term thing with anyone else. i was more miserable than i can explain. i don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. but, i also really don't want to get divorced again. so....singleness seems like a lovely option. with friends. companions.
but when i picture my friends all married off and me alone, i know that it'll be a little lonely. but, i guess that i'll just have to have adventure. write my book. watch sunsets. it'll be ok. i know it will.
blessings.
but i was thinking about what i wrote before. thinking about how the reality of life is that most of my current friends will be...or are and will remain....married in our old years. And how I had rather pictured being some of those girls that go on girl trips and hang out, but that it's probably unrealistic. and i tried to think through how i feel about that. still not really sure. but i think it will be ok. i think that i'll learn. because looking around, most of my friends will really enjoy that. i'm just....content. i like having friends. i like getting to go out without guilt. i like coming home without owing sex. yes, it was a payment for getting time away. demanded and expected. and so...i like not having to face demands when i'm tired or simply content to go to sleep. i also like not having the incessant jealousy. it was way too much.
and the thing is...i didn't know before i was married. so, i guess i figure that the same thing could happen again. my ex is mr. charming. choir boy. sunday school teacher. athlete. hard worker. see? all's good, right? but it wasn't. i even asked all of the questions about faith and future and vision. but somehow i missed something. i don't regret him. i wish i would have understood sooner. i wish that i would have done less damage to myself in the process. but i am honestly not sure that i would want to try that long term thing with anyone else. i was more miserable than i can explain. i don't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. but, i also really don't want to get divorced again. so....singleness seems like a lovely option. with friends. companions.
but when i picture my friends all married off and me alone, i know that it'll be a little lonely. but, i guess that i'll just have to have adventure. write my book. watch sunsets. it'll be ok. i know it will.
blessings.
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