I've changed. Not really. I've come back. Recovered. Recouped. Regrouped. I am becoming undeniably me. Silly and fun with an incredibly deep and serious side. A huge amount of compassion with total no nonsense to match. And my love has found it's boundaries. My joy is unleashed. My laughter is daily. My heart is light. My soul is full. My thoughts are prayerful and hopeful and yet....still very intuitive, very deep. I don't share those much. Nor lightly. Well, to those of you who know me here, you get to here almost all of my INTROSPECTION. I am introspective in a big way. But I don't find fault with myself anymore.
And...did I mention laughter? Not only do I laugh, but I can get others to laugh too. Even in the midst of these really hard days at my school. And it really is hard. Absolutely tiring. Wearying. But I am happy. I am successful. Though I am doing miserably at getting it all done. I am getting much done. I am whittling away at what isn't NECESSARY in order to find what I CAN do. What THEY can do. I'm a teacher. I teach kids...not subjects.
I am in recovery. I may always be in recovery. Because that voice of my ex that pushes me to think badly of myself. To second guess. To think that what I feel and how I am is wrong and that I need fixing. I do need growing. I do need maturing. I do need change. But not to please someone. In order to become who I am. Who I was made to be.
I wore clothes today that were still my muted colors...but they were fun in my own way....today. I had a bit of plaid and stripes, greys browns and blacks going on. I loved it. I felt good in it. And I didn't care what anyone thought. And that feels so good. So when I said, "check out my plaid and stripes!" to a friend and she asked, "are you dressed for crazy day?" it totally amused me. Made me laugh. Then AND now. Nope, this is it. My choice of outfit for my work day. My clothes that felt good to put on. Made me happy. And somehow, I didn't care what ANYONE thought. I liked them. I still do. I had been wanting to wear this outfit! Today was the day that I threw caution to the wind and put it on......twas a good day. A really good day. And the fact that it brought me laughter is even BETTER.
Laughing. Big belly laughs. Every day.
I think it's my daughter that is helping me to come out of that dreary place. To see who I was. Because she has a lot of my attributes. Including some of being an introvert. But she is more courageous than I. But putting the two of us together is like asking for a comedy routine. We just fall in sync with our thoughts and word play. We both LOVE to laugh. To let loose. To relax. We're both really responsible too. My ex told me that I wasn't responsible, but I am. I own what I do wrong. I take responsibilty. But all things are not my job. And I don't have to be perfect. And I certainly don't have to be him. Or his mother. I am me. I am in recovery.
I am happy.
blessings.
And...did I mention laughter? Not only do I laugh, but I can get others to laugh too. Even in the midst of these really hard days at my school. And it really is hard. Absolutely tiring. Wearying. But I am happy. I am successful. Though I am doing miserably at getting it all done. I am getting much done. I am whittling away at what isn't NECESSARY in order to find what I CAN do. What THEY can do. I'm a teacher. I teach kids...not subjects.
I am in recovery. I may always be in recovery. Because that voice of my ex that pushes me to think badly of myself. To second guess. To think that what I feel and how I am is wrong and that I need fixing. I do need growing. I do need maturing. I do need change. But not to please someone. In order to become who I am. Who I was made to be.
I wore clothes today that were still my muted colors...but they were fun in my own way....today. I had a bit of plaid and stripes, greys browns and blacks going on. I loved it. I felt good in it. And I didn't care what anyone thought. And that feels so good. So when I said, "check out my plaid and stripes!" to a friend and she asked, "are you dressed for crazy day?" it totally amused me. Made me laugh. Then AND now. Nope, this is it. My choice of outfit for my work day. My clothes that felt good to put on. Made me happy. And somehow, I didn't care what ANYONE thought. I liked them. I still do. I had been wanting to wear this outfit! Today was the day that I threw caution to the wind and put it on......twas a good day. A really good day. And the fact that it brought me laughter is even BETTER.
Laughing. Big belly laughs. Every day.
I think it's my daughter that is helping me to come out of that dreary place. To see who I was. Because she has a lot of my attributes. Including some of being an introvert. But she is more courageous than I. But putting the two of us together is like asking for a comedy routine. We just fall in sync with our thoughts and word play. We both LOVE to laugh. To let loose. To relax. We're both really responsible too. My ex told me that I wasn't responsible, but I am. I own what I do wrong. I take responsibilty. But all things are not my job. And I don't have to be perfect. And I certainly don't have to be him. Or his mother. I am me. I am in recovery.
I am happy.
blessings.
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