I have spent a long time of my life focused on making a living. On how to make ends meet. I have thought about being responsible. How to work. How to make money. How to save.
And those things have value.
But I'm not sure that I have spent enough time thinking about making a life. About dreaming for the future. About hearing that inner voice that speaks to me so quietly about trying some things. Spending time at the ocean. Maybe going overseas. Writing. Living somewhere that life moves more slowly. Because, frankly, I don't really like the drama and hubbub and no time for anything of value. No time to really enjoy. To savor. I want to SAVOR. Not run. But I live in a place, in a culture, that values movement and competition. It's really hard on me....when I stop and think about it. And I try to keep up, but it's not really in me. I need time to reflect. It's how I'm wired. I need time to sit in the sunshine. To putter.
And so it gets me thinking about how I want my life to look. I like my work, but it stresses me to some degree.
I've been toying with the idea of working for awhile at this full time job and actually going back to subbing. It's delightfully pleasant to not carry the incessant burden of busy work. To never be expected to serve on a committee. To walk in and walk out without a care in the world. Though....I'd miss the relationships. But, perhaps I would have the time to nurture other relationships?
I have thought of the idea of selling my home. Downsizing. Housesharing. I don't know exactly. But, cutting costs in ways that would enable me to get what I need without working every minute of every day. Maybe buying a home with a separate living area. Or learning to cohabitate. I don't know. I just know that as my kids leave it's kind of silly to live all alone and pay all of the bills that have to be paid for just one person to live there. It seems financially irresponsible. It seems...burdensome. Have to heat/cool the home. Have to maintain. Have to have insurance. Isn't it better to spread that over more than one little old person? I'm not sure. But....maybe. Especially if it could mean working differently. Having a different lifestyle. I think I would be willing to make some adjustments in order to have choices....like working less, freeing up time, having time to spend mulling things over, reflecting, writing, gardening, maybe even getting to really have time to clean the house instead of rushing in and trying to do a quick job when I'm exhausted. And you know what else? I love to cook. To bake. To enjoy food. I'd like to have the time to do that as well.
I want to practice thinking about ways to make a life. Not just a living. I want to look at who I was made to be...how I was made....and let that lead.
Oh, I do love my job. I love my kids. But I feel overwhelmed. Pushed. Troubled by the constant demand to do more. Fill out more papers. Grade more. Input more into the computer. Frankly, it wears me out. I want to TEACH. I'm good at that. I don't like the whole data and constantly graphing everything. Maybe I could find a country/county/place that teaching was actually......teaching? Where there's a freedom to explore and lead kids in learning? Where every day isn't full of meeting and politics? I think that would make me happy indeed.
I'll pray about it. Because I think that the whisper I'm hearing is God's way of waking me up to the immense possibilities of making a life and not trying to make a living.
blessings.
And those things have value.
But I'm not sure that I have spent enough time thinking about making a life. About dreaming for the future. About hearing that inner voice that speaks to me so quietly about trying some things. Spending time at the ocean. Maybe going overseas. Writing. Living somewhere that life moves more slowly. Because, frankly, I don't really like the drama and hubbub and no time for anything of value. No time to really enjoy. To savor. I want to SAVOR. Not run. But I live in a place, in a culture, that values movement and competition. It's really hard on me....when I stop and think about it. And I try to keep up, but it's not really in me. I need time to reflect. It's how I'm wired. I need time to sit in the sunshine. To putter.
And so it gets me thinking about how I want my life to look. I like my work, but it stresses me to some degree.
I've been toying with the idea of working for awhile at this full time job and actually going back to subbing. It's delightfully pleasant to not carry the incessant burden of busy work. To never be expected to serve on a committee. To walk in and walk out without a care in the world. Though....I'd miss the relationships. But, perhaps I would have the time to nurture other relationships?
I have thought of the idea of selling my home. Downsizing. Housesharing. I don't know exactly. But, cutting costs in ways that would enable me to get what I need without working every minute of every day. Maybe buying a home with a separate living area. Or learning to cohabitate. I don't know. I just know that as my kids leave it's kind of silly to live all alone and pay all of the bills that have to be paid for just one person to live there. It seems financially irresponsible. It seems...burdensome. Have to heat/cool the home. Have to maintain. Have to have insurance. Isn't it better to spread that over more than one little old person? I'm not sure. But....maybe. Especially if it could mean working differently. Having a different lifestyle. I think I would be willing to make some adjustments in order to have choices....like working less, freeing up time, having time to spend mulling things over, reflecting, writing, gardening, maybe even getting to really have time to clean the house instead of rushing in and trying to do a quick job when I'm exhausted. And you know what else? I love to cook. To bake. To enjoy food. I'd like to have the time to do that as well.
I want to practice thinking about ways to make a life. Not just a living. I want to look at who I was made to be...how I was made....and let that lead.
Oh, I do love my job. I love my kids. But I feel overwhelmed. Pushed. Troubled by the constant demand to do more. Fill out more papers. Grade more. Input more into the computer. Frankly, it wears me out. I want to TEACH. I'm good at that. I don't like the whole data and constantly graphing everything. Maybe I could find a country/county/place that teaching was actually......teaching? Where there's a freedom to explore and lead kids in learning? Where every day isn't full of meeting and politics? I think that would make me happy indeed.
I'll pray about it. Because I think that the whisper I'm hearing is God's way of waking me up to the immense possibilities of making a life and not trying to make a living.
blessings.
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