i jumped from monday to thursday. i barely remember tuesday and wednesday. i was a sick puppy. and yet i was going to try to be at school on tuesday. and today, with my brain more alert again and my body able to go a few hours without pain meds...or at least, the pain meds actually work...i was reflecting. i learned some things through my marriage that weren't healthy. i learned to keep going at all costs. it's not that i think that every sniffle deserves a day off, but real sickness deserves it. and more. it deserves time to heal. my son has been nice to me. ok, not over the top or anything, but i see the concern in his eyes and i have heard the words once a day....not a lot, but hey, it's more than i used to get...."can i get you something?" and he lets me rest. he closes the door. he takes care of the dogs. he feeds himself.
when i was married, my ex used to come and ask me what was for dinner when i was really sick. and even if he was going to make it, i had to think about what there was. it was hard. i know now that he just wasn't able to let someone else be needy. be taken care of. not without recompense. he didn't have compassion for me. no gentle spirit towards me. he did drive me home from the hospital when he needed to....when i was drugged from headaches.....and for that i am thankful. but nothing was ever about me. about my healing.
and this time it was.
and it's kind of amazing that i've been off of work this long and struggled with guilt but finally been able to overcome that hurdle and quit hearing that voice of not being enough...of having to keep going always....and i have truly rested. it has been healing in so many ways.
the week has gone by. i'll be behind at school. my kids didn't behave that well. and yet....it was worth it. i needed this lesson. i needed to remember that living is the important thing. not making every appointment. not being superwoman. just being. loving. giving. learning. finding who i am supposed to be. giving words of encouragement.
ok, time for some more pain relievers. head is busting. food. pain reliever. nap. that i can do!
when i was married, my ex used to come and ask me what was for dinner when i was really sick. and even if he was going to make it, i had to think about what there was. it was hard. i know now that he just wasn't able to let someone else be needy. be taken care of. not without recompense. he didn't have compassion for me. no gentle spirit towards me. he did drive me home from the hospital when he needed to....when i was drugged from headaches.....and for that i am thankful. but nothing was ever about me. about my healing.
and this time it was.
and it's kind of amazing that i've been off of work this long and struggled with guilt but finally been able to overcome that hurdle and quit hearing that voice of not being enough...of having to keep going always....and i have truly rested. it has been healing in so many ways.
the week has gone by. i'll be behind at school. my kids didn't behave that well. and yet....it was worth it. i needed this lesson. i needed to remember that living is the important thing. not making every appointment. not being superwoman. just being. loving. giving. learning. finding who i am supposed to be. giving words of encouragement.
ok, time for some more pain relievers. head is busting. food. pain reliever. nap. that i can do!
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