peace

sitting here.  playing with my necklace.  my locket that says "peace.  a new reality." inside.  thinking. remembering.  sometimes i forget how deep the lack of peace went when i was married.  i cover over it in my mind.  sometimes i even beat myself up.  i failed.  i should have tried harder.
and then there are these days.
in the rustle of the leaves.  the beauty of the sunshine.   in the quiet of my home.  the hustle of my dogs.  the smell of cleaners in the air.  the mundane things like laundry.  breakfast with a friend.  sitting  on my bed.  just the basic things.  and i have such a sense of relief.  and sometimes, i can't even remember why.
and then i remember.  i travel back in my mind to that place. like a bad dream that you don't want to remember, but can't quite forget.  that place where i remember trying to write what was happening in my life and fearing.  being so afraid.  to my core.  i remember the constant, incessant battle that was "relationship" with him.  the draining.  the praying to give more.  to be more selfless.  the longing to figure it out like others i had seen.  wanting to make it.  to achieve that place where joy was not extinguished.  where it was possible to breathe.  and it never came.  always elusive.  and the battles escalated.  and finally, i remember when i finally said, "enough" and moved out of our room.  it helped.  to a degree.  but still, that deeply sick feeling.  the constant unrest.  the difficult evenings.  the long weekends when he was around.  the relief when he would leave for a time.  i remember having a sense of terror.  of sweating with fear.  dripping.  hiding in the dark.  pretending to sleep.  i remember his emotional abuse.  his spiritual piety.  his using those i love to keep me in line.
and i remember when i finally broke.  when i finally knew that no matter the cost, i wouldn't stay with him anymore.  that i would never be with him again.  and how that moment changed me and gave me a courage that i didn't know i still had.  it gave me direction.  a plan. hope.
how sad that ending something would be the salvation of me.
but it was true.
and in the now. even with drama.  even with pain.  i find that i am peaceful.  sick or well.  busy or sedentary.  however i am.  i remain in peace. at peace.  like a safe shelter.  a place of refuge.
mostly i feel safe now  sometimes just the thought of him terrifies me.  brings me nightmares.  but they become increasingly rare.
people see him as charming.  they kind of wink at what he might have done "wrong".  he terrifies me.  at my deepest level.  without me thinking about it.
and yet i still feel guilty when he makes overtures towards relationship.  i feel as if i am being unfair. unkind. unchristian. and then i remember that he has DONE nothing to change things.  he has SAID things.  but he hasn't owned his abuse.  he allows himself to play the part of the victim.  he allows me to be the evil bitch.  and he knows that he does it.  he acts as if this horrible thing was done to him and he just doesn't know why.  and that scares me too.  because he steals people away.  they feel sorry for his poor soul.  and even those who are my friends, sit on the fence.  they might agree that he's an ass, but they cover for him.  they have reasons that they have to stay with him, be with him, tolerate him, speak with him, be cordial with him.
and that makes my blood run cold.  because they don't see what i see.  they don't know that they are weapons in his arsenal against me.  that he knows that the only thing he can possibly hold against me is relationships.  that they are the only thing that will tear out my heart.
but somewhere along the way, i found peace.  even peace in knowing that i've actually given up everyone.  most of them don't even realize it.  they don't know that it squashes my soul to see them with him.  they are trying to be "fair".  but how is it fair to associate with someone that you know did so much harm to someone you care about?  i think they just feel like it's easier.  no taking a stand necessary.
and i can say from experience....taking a stand hurts.  it makes you unpopular.  it causes you to be blamed for many things.
and i wonder how it is that i am so peaceful and so content even knowing that there's really nobody that stands for me.  not him, just me.  not equally, but totally with me.
but i am.  peaceful.  content.  brave.  and i know that for the rest of my life it will probably remain this way.  because they will never have to see the horror side of him.  because he will keep up the charm for them.  and use it against me.  he will give me THAT look....of "see, THEY like me, what's wrong with you?"  and it used to bother me.  now it sends chills down my back.  gives me the shakes.  but i am not tricked anymore.  he uses the fact that i don't call him an ass in public.  that i don't strip him naked and tell the bad about him.  he uses the fact that he knows one thing about me.....that i am kind.  and as always, he uses it to his benefit instead of manning up and taking responsibility.  instead of finding his own crew of friends.
and i am still...at peace.  because i know that i have nothing to prove.  i refuse to play his game.  and i don't even have a need to expose him.  "vengeance is mine, declareth the lord". i'll leave him to it.  as for me...i have a peaceful, fun and amazing life to live.
without holding back.
with a loving, open and kind heart.  even when it hurts..
and no.  i don't want him back.  ever.
blessings.