Sometimes

Sometimes, even when alone isn't exactly lonely, sometimes in the alone, I see so much more clearly how I really am alone.  Much like the lifeguard stand, there.  Strong.  A refuge for some.  People who need.  Who have an emergency.  Stable. Willing.  Purposeful.  But, sometimes I have this sense that when I'm not needed for those roles, I am left standing.  Still alone.  Still who I am.  But, unnoticed.  Until the need arises again.  And it's not so bad.  I'm not whining.  Just observing.  And I'm not missing "having a man" because I felt the same way when I was married.  I guess it feels like I get my own comfort when others come to me for theirs.  And maybe that isn't for the best, but it is what it is.  Except for my kids.  They come.  They see me.  We connect.  But time is running away and soon they will be gone.  And what then?  Who will I choose to be?  How will I change what I have allowed for so long?  I'm not really sure.  And I'm not unhappy how things are.  But I know that I'll need to be able to get my needs met.  Have my heart filled.  Be loved and needed.  Just for me.  Not for my "rescue" skills.  Yes, a bit like a lifeguard station.  Unnoticed until needed....then a flurry of activity and then again, a part of the scenery.  Sometimes I think that I must just not be that noteworthy.  But I remember in the past having a place. Being noticed.  Not popular.  Just a part.  That ended many years ago.  And I gave my ok.  I expended my energy holding life together in marriage.
Well, good thing is that I love solitary days at the beach and that's where you find lifeguard stations.  Guess I'll be just fine.
blessings.