ah ha

i was driving from the bank.  after getting my kids food to take to them at work.  and i had an ah ha moment.  i have struggled to figure out why it grates on me that my ex is involved in simply everything.  community, church, work, sports, whatever.  and i realized suddenly...because he sat in court and said that his job is so time consuming that he couldn't make a commitment to his kids. AH HA.  i got it.  he sees them.  he is nice.  he does stuff.  when it's convenient.  and that is exactly why it's not parenting.  parenting is not convenient.  it doesn't fit neatly into the rest of life.  it demands something more.  and gives oh so much back.  and while i will never tell my kids that their dad said that, the release of tension was huge.  the oooohhhhhh, i get it.  when i see all of the hours he spends on all of the activities, i know that the thing i knew all along was right.  that thing that nagged at me.  that we were an inconvenience.  in his way.  good when we made him look good.  or feel good.  but more like a side order than a main dish.
and that's ok.
because he's not on my menu anymore.  he doesn't reach out to his kids for their sakes, but for his.  his enjoyment.  his entertainment.  his company.  but when his needs are met, he is distant.  ta da.  you'd think i was slow or something.  when really, i'm not.  i just always want to see the best.  this isn't the best.  it is true though.
so, it's ok.  they will enjoy what they get and life will be fine.  in the end, it's their dad that missed out the most.
as time goes by, i have more ah ha moments.  and it helps me to let go.  to move on.  to change me in ways that i should.  as it should be.
blessings.