this journey

i am really hard on myself.
not in a belittling way.
in a "grow up and learn and change and become" sort of way.
i want to be so much.
i want to find how to live the life that is before me with grace.  and fun.  and laughter.  and support.  and tears.  and just.....in a real, genuine, vulnerable way.
but i'll tell you what.
those that invalidate.  who refuse to hear.  who fail to try to understand.  who sit and listen but haven't allowed my story to penetrate their hearts.  who are my friends.  and yet...somehow...don't even begin to see what my life was.....who diminish the extreme pain of my life in marriage...who silently stay on the fence between me and my ex.  never choosing me.  never able to fully give support because they've seen him and just can't believe that it was bad.  who, by default, by their silence, offer him their support.  and he LOVES that.
those have hurt me desperately.
and i keep coming back up.
like a swimmer in the ocean
wave after wave washing over.
but it's HARD.
it's BEYOND hard.
and yet, the same people want me to hear their story.
to feel compassion.
to understand the depth of their hurt.
to stand beside.
to CHOOSE.
and i do.
but here.
this morning.
for just a minute.
i'm saying.
NOT FAIR.
and yet.
i still choose them
still love them
will still stay
though they don't know what they've done
this journey i've been on is not easy
i guess i should have done it with more kicking and screaming so that people would realize
oh well.
i know who i want to be
what i want to be
how i want to be
i know whose i want to be
i'll just...
let this be enough
this journey
is life changing
so is theirs
i will hear it.
blessings.