thankful

you know, there has been a lot of stress in the last months.  i don't think that much about it along the way, but as i was sitting tonight, being thankful, i realized how there has been a lot and how i've done a lot to come through it.
back in the summer, my house payments went awry.  i made it.  they took it twice.  then gave it back twice.  then said that i hadn't paid in four months.  then my credit rating started to decline.  they were working on it.  and working on it some more.  in the meantime, i had a hard time monitoring my checking account with what would be there and what wouldn't.  pretty awful.  and my ex would...and still does....send his payment just a wee bit late, making it hard to depend on when i'll be able to pay those midmonth bills.
and then there's the ex.  and church.  and not having a church.  and missing it.  missing my "family" from church.  the ex being everywhere i would want to go.  friends being with him.  talking with him.  laughing with him.  sitting with him.  singing with him.  the list goes on.....
and then there's the going back to school and having such a difficult start with the new teammate.  and it really has been.
and then the flood.
and the loss of my kids being able to go to their building.
and the loss of so many homes.
and a kid that is in a friend's life now that i see me.  and i wonder...what would it be if christians actually took in kids with lousy home lives and just cared for them?  would it change the world?
and then there's the fact that i bought quite a few clothes.  had to buy a new dishwasher.  had to put two boys back in college...boy, was THAT expensive or what??? between airline tickets, books and hotels and meals and making sure they had clothes..whew.  and back to school for my other kids too.  yikes.
money is an issue this month.  and of course...the ex was significantly late.  making me pay late fees.
and yet....
here i sat tonight, thankful.  deeply.  for real.
look at me!! i've made it.  i'm making it.  i fail some.  i get up and try again.
and, guess what?  my son coming from oregon at christmas already has a ticket ROUND TRIP that i purchased with my air miles and so it only cost me five dollars in cash.
and i got offered night work in november.  i might or might not do it.  it's three weeks.  it could be some nice christmas money.
and i was mopping my floor and cleaning up around my house and just being thankful to have a place to live.  thankful not to be flooded.  thankful not to be having to boil our water.  thankful for electricity....and soon, for heat.
i'm thankful to have a car.
and to have a job.
and i'm thankful that though it took a natural disaster, my youngest two have bonded.  i'm thankful for a peaceful home.  for laughter.  we laugh a LOT.  over really stupid, immature things.  belly laughs.  silly laughs.  we giggle and joke and play.  it's really wonderful...though not very mature probably.  i like it.
and this week they know that we are eating on the cheap.  tonight it was french toast.  it was delicious.  mmm.  mmm.  hot with melted butter and powdered sugar.  i am thankful for food to eat.
i am thankful that i am being made strong.  fearless.
so much stuff, when i write it down.  yet, i sleep at night. i get up in the morning.  i keep going. not only that....i'm actually very happy.
oh, i think that i should get the financial thing together.  and i will.  i'm on the permissive side with myself right now.  i might fall flat on my face.  but for now, it's just where i am.  my ex would have killed me by now.  not literally, but life would not be worth much.  because value was in money.  not in people.  no matter how much i ever saved or how frugal i was, it was never enough.  so...i'm kind of swinging the other way right now.  i'll get back to more balance.  actually, i think that i'm kind of there now.  but it sure took awhile. :)
i am so very thankful.  on so many fronts.
here i am on my own bed.  and i really don't care if i ever find someone else.  because i gave that a shot. and i felt like i got shot...down.  and it hurt an awful lot.  and it's not a lack of being willing to love or trust.  i just kind of like having my own space in the world.  and not having to explain to anyone what i need. it was so draining to keep trying and never be heard or honored.  so, now, i have to see what i need and do that.  and see what others need and do that.  but i don't have to live with someone wanting their needs met even at my expense...usually at my expense.  and not just needs, but wants.
i am sooo relieved.  thankful.  happy.
and while it's still hard to talk about the divorce to some people.  it wears me out in an indescribable way.  it's possible.  i do it when i need to.  for a good reason.
think i'll take my thankful heart and rest.
blessings.
man, i wasn't even thinking about the whole bedbug incident and the cost and emotional trauma of that!  pretty hideous as well.  yes, it has been eventful.  but still...i'm ok.  more than ok.  happy.  growing.  pretty wonderful, really.