it happened again. as it does now and then. i see this look, this adoration, this compassion, this pride, this absolute love...on the face of a father when he sees his son. and it stops me right where i am. marveling. soaking it up. grieving that my boys have never had that. it took me a long time to see what it was that was missing. it's that genuine being in love with your child. not from me. from my ex. i used to have a longing when i would watch him with them. i couldn't put my finger on it. but, now....i feel it, see it, recognize it.
genuine. sincere. unrestrained. fathers loving their sons. affection. gentleness.
i watched it tonight. i practically devoured the moment.
it was precious.
and beautiful.
and then. i looked a few feet away to the man that i was once married to and i felt so very sorry for him. by caring for himself, he has totally missed out on the most beautiful parts of being a parent. of having relationship. and he lost me. completely and totally. and for the first time, i appreciated how hard that must be. because while i don't feel arrogant, i now am realizing that whether he ever gets it or not....i was and am....someone you want in your corner.
i went to a football game for my kids' high school. i stayed in the stadium where my ex was. and.....i realized that i have a beautiful life. free. and he lost me. how sad for him.
for so long i felt so badly about failing. about giving up. about not being there for him. but now, all that kept going through my mind was how he doesn't even understand the best things that he lost. and that is saddest of all.
i wish that i had ever seen that look pass over his face that i've seen with people who are completely enchanted....but i didn't.
i think maybe....he settled. maybe he should have waited for someone that he was proud of. and then maybe he would have been proud of the kids too?
poor guy gets pity. not respect.
hope he figures it out so he doesn't miss another couple of decades of amazing stuff.
genuine. sincere. unrestrained. fathers loving their sons. affection. gentleness.
i watched it tonight. i practically devoured the moment.
it was precious.
and beautiful.
and then. i looked a few feet away to the man that i was once married to and i felt so very sorry for him. by caring for himself, he has totally missed out on the most beautiful parts of being a parent. of having relationship. and he lost me. completely and totally. and for the first time, i appreciated how hard that must be. because while i don't feel arrogant, i now am realizing that whether he ever gets it or not....i was and am....someone you want in your corner.
i went to a football game for my kids' high school. i stayed in the stadium where my ex was. and.....i realized that i have a beautiful life. free. and he lost me. how sad for him.
for so long i felt so badly about failing. about giving up. about not being there for him. but now, all that kept going through my mind was how he doesn't even understand the best things that he lost. and that is saddest of all.
i wish that i had ever seen that look pass over his face that i've seen with people who are completely enchanted....but i didn't.
i think maybe....he settled. maybe he should have waited for someone that he was proud of. and then maybe he would have been proud of the kids too?
poor guy gets pity. not respect.
hope he figures it out so he doesn't miss another couple of decades of amazing stuff.
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