Today I had to go get some stuff at our church where my van was parked. My husband had left early to go to Bible study. Imagine my surprise when his car wasn't one of the ones there. It didn't strike me hard. Nor seem as odd it as should have. That is what surprised me most. That's ok. Strangely so.
Yet, there are still moments where I wish that he could have really gotten it. Gotten me. Seen his children. Above and beyond his personal agenda. But, life isn't made up of my wishes.
I've been laying low. Playing with the dogs. Being quiet. And now I'm going to my daughter's cross country meet. And it is good. And pleasant. And I am very peaceful.
grace to you
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Positively
I can approach any situation positively. Even those things that are hurtful, hard to understand or unfair. First of all, I can positively identify that God is indeed still in charge. That I have never had any control over any situation and that I never will. Hard for us mom types.... Then, I can admit that I need help and prayer. Tell the truth. I think that when things are the hardest it is way too easy to not admit what is wrong. Especially when the hurting "thing" is someone in our family.....mother, father, child, spouse. It's like as people we feel responsible for keeping all of those relationships perfect. Even when they are not, we like to let them look lie it. (See number one idea about not having control....)
When I let others in, not to gossip or simply gripe, but to literally share my heart at the very depths...fears, wonderings, hopes, desires, mistakes, shortcomings....whatever there is, then I open up a positive dialogue that invites healing. It's easier for me to close it off. To say that sharing about those in my family is wrong. Gossip is malicious. It is not simply sharing our hearts and asking others to help us leave it to God....it's having to share everything with EVERYONE. Or share only the parts that make us look good. When Timothy sent a report about the churches, it wasn't gossip....even though there were some bad things laid out. When Paul wrote to the churches, he talked explicitly about some very personal things, and it wasn't gossip. Gossip is when you want to tear down, not help. Frankly, I can go either way and do want to always be cautious. But, I find myself closing people out when I should be letting in light and truth and love and help.
I am positive of this...God gave me some amazing people with amazing prayer lives, sensitive hearts and wise words for a reason. And....He also gave me people with the kind willingness to hear me. If I want to find a way to be more positive, more healthy and more balanced, I am going to have to learn to share the right way and without guilt. Pray for me. I'm praying for you.
Grace to you.
When I let others in, not to gossip or simply gripe, but to literally share my heart at the very depths...fears, wonderings, hopes, desires, mistakes, shortcomings....whatever there is, then I open up a positive dialogue that invites healing. It's easier for me to close it off. To say that sharing about those in my family is wrong. Gossip is malicious. It is not simply sharing our hearts and asking others to help us leave it to God....it's having to share everything with EVERYONE. Or share only the parts that make us look good. When Timothy sent a report about the churches, it wasn't gossip....even though there were some bad things laid out. When Paul wrote to the churches, he talked explicitly about some very personal things, and it wasn't gossip. Gossip is when you want to tear down, not help. Frankly, I can go either way and do want to always be cautious. But, I find myself closing people out when I should be letting in light and truth and love and help.
I am positive of this...God gave me some amazing people with amazing prayer lives, sensitive hearts and wise words for a reason. And....He also gave me people with the kind willingness to hear me. If I want to find a way to be more positive, more healthy and more balanced, I am going to have to learn to share the right way and without guilt. Pray for me. I'm praying for you.
Grace to you.
On the Outside
Today the teachers went out to lunch. I am in the room eating. I kind of like that actually, since I crave some quiet time in my very long days. But, sometimes it points out to me again that I'm an outsider still in the world of teaching. That's ok. I am enjoying substituting. It's just.....I'm so sensitive these days. Tender. My heart is aching. And, I don't see that ending anytime soon. So, I'll try to be gentle with myself. Try to put words to my feelings so that people can see me. As best as I can. And I'll try to remember who I want to be....the kind of person. The kind person.
Sometimes I struggle with whether I can be that way. Like I've spent so long holding up the barrier. But, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to define what it means in my world and I'm going to go for it. I don't mean simply giving or simply easy going. I mean kind from the heart. But strong. I want to remain the strong woman that I am...and should be....while being gentle. Somehow, someday, I will figure it out. It is my constant, heartfelt prayer.
Off to more of a good day. Good salad. Water. Putting in good makes the body stronger. Putting good into my heart makes my spirit and emotions stronger. I have to keep practicing putting in good and not crap.
grace to you.
Sometimes I struggle with whether I can be that way. Like I've spent so long holding up the barrier. But, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to define what it means in my world and I'm going to go for it. I don't mean simply giving or simply easy going. I mean kind from the heart. But strong. I want to remain the strong woman that I am...and should be....while being gentle. Somehow, someday, I will figure it out. It is my constant, heartfelt prayer.
Off to more of a good day. Good salad. Water. Putting in good makes the body stronger. Putting good into my heart makes my spirit and emotions stronger. I have to keep practicing putting in good and not crap.
grace to you.
Learning
The most important things are not writing nor math nor history nor science. Knowing how to read changes nothing....if you don't read things that change life. I am learning as I go to school...not as a student, but as a teacher. The subjects are good disciplines. They pave the way for an easier future in our culture. But, they don't stand alone. Too many kids are being pushed academically and failing miserably in the things that matter most in the world. Being able to say you are sorry. And mean it. Stopping to hear someone. Listening to a rebuke. Seeking wise counsel. Education is perhaps at an elite status in that kids have access to more information and more fields of study than ever before. But character has declined. Kindness has been relegated to an extra. When, in fact, it matters more than all of the other subjects. What people tend to forget is that in order to use and have an impact with any knowledge, you have to be ale to interact with other humans. We do not walk alone.
My husband is smart. He is able to discuss most anything. But, he can't hug his kids. He can't love feeling a sense of superiority. Therein is the base of a problem. Being a person is more than knowledge. More than rules. More than learning. It is growing. Becoming. Understanding. Forgiving. Seeing. Believing. And....always knowing that we all stumble. It's holding on and letting go. It's........connecting. As I see how he has missed out, I feel sad for him. He has so much. Missed out on what's so good. Held onto the stuff. Never figured out how to do the people on an intimate level. Sorry...but not responsible. I have tried for so long. Saw it long ago. Sad that he has hurt a couple of his kids so badly and he is oblivious. Sad that he never connected with his wife except in an ownership and sexual way. Sad. And mad. I was worth more. Am.
So, I teach. To let kids know what is important. An, in the midst, they learn a lot of other stuff too. Because it's all connected. Can't separate it. Begin with....Hi, would you like to play with me....and progress to I'm sorry....from there, the rest of life sprouts.
grace to you.
My husband is smart. He is able to discuss most anything. But, he can't hug his kids. He can't love feeling a sense of superiority. Therein is the base of a problem. Being a person is more than knowledge. More than rules. More than learning. It is growing. Becoming. Understanding. Forgiving. Seeing. Believing. And....always knowing that we all stumble. It's holding on and letting go. It's........connecting. As I see how he has missed out, I feel sad for him. He has so much. Missed out on what's so good. Held onto the stuff. Never figured out how to do the people on an intimate level. Sorry...but not responsible. I have tried for so long. Saw it long ago. Sad that he has hurt a couple of his kids so badly and he is oblivious. Sad that he never connected with his wife except in an ownership and sexual way. Sad. And mad. I was worth more. Am.
So, I teach. To let kids know what is important. An, in the midst, they learn a lot of other stuff too. Because it's all connected. Can't separate it. Begin with....Hi, would you like to play with me....and progress to I'm sorry....from there, the rest of life sprouts.
grace to you.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Calm
I feel the air changing. That calmness before the storm comes. His anger is bottled up. He's trying to keep it together. He's mad that I didn't go with him to the lunch. That I had to make some of the kids go with him. That he doesn't have the relationship nor the respect to deal with that. His choices. But, in his eyes, I have to be at fault. It is how he copes. How he keeps it in check. My fault means his reputation is unscathed. His being responsible self is alive and well. It's such a habit.
When I said that I wasn't going today he asked me what he was supposed to tell the people. I told him to tell them what he wanted. You know, it still amazes me that he wants me to pretend. How many ways and how many times do I have to say my thoughts? I don't even say it anymore. I know that the storm is coming though. And it makes me tremble. But, I know it has to. The barometer rises. The rain and lightening has to come. Doesn't make it any easier.
But, maybe if I can face the storm again....maybe it will quit being false calm?
grace to you.
When I said that I wasn't going today he asked me what he was supposed to tell the people. I told him to tell them what he wanted. You know, it still amazes me that he wants me to pretend. How many ways and how many times do I have to say my thoughts? I don't even say it anymore. I know that the storm is coming though. And it makes me tremble. But, I know it has to. The barometer rises. The rain and lightening has to come. Doesn't make it any easier.
But, maybe if I can face the storm again....maybe it will quit being false calm?
grace to you.
The Prostitute
She sells herself to "make her life better" or to "be in a safe place"or sometimes even just "to see what it's like." She wants to be taken care of. Wants to live on her own terms. She says that it's only for a time. That she will get out when she can. That it can't steal her soul...that it's only her body. She says that she gets to choose. That she is in charge. She gets hurt and blames herself. She's tough. She's pretty. She gets up day after day living the life she never imagined when she was a child. With heartbreak after heartbreak. With people looking at her with disdain. She has a mind. And a heart. And a soul. After awhile she needs to stay because other options have withered. Family has fled or died or disowned her. Her friends are all a part of this world. Then her body begins to betray her. Wrinkling, sagging, aging. She hasn't held a job in years. She is stuck. She feels without options. It's not just about the sex. It's about the choice to give up who she was. Who she might have been. To accept a false value, even for what was supposed to be a small time. It debilitates. It crushes the spirit. Only a strong woman can walk away and build a new life. A free life. A hopeful life. A generous life. A joyful life. She can do it. But it will take every ounce of courage and spirit that she has. And when she spends it all....she will reap......real life.
I told my husband a long time ago that I felt like a prostitute. I wasn't exaggerating. Now I know why. Because it's not just about sex. It's about the loss of self. About having to give in order to be "taken care of". The weight o the realizations this week have been heavy. But, I can walk a new life. I must walk a new life. Or else I won't have really lived at all. Funny that this would come on the heels of putting good, solid truth in my mind and heart. Sometimes, truth hurts, but it hurts good. Because it scrapes off the old. Allows a place for the new.
I know that prostitute. Not because I walk streets or because I wear stilettos and fishnet.....hahhahaha, that's a funny funny image.....but because I understand her heart. And how she got stuck. That while she was chasing her dream she took a wrong turn and got stuck in an alley that seems to be guarded by scary dogs. They move aside....but only if she starts walking through them. My heart weeps for her. For her fear. For her courage. For how people misunderstand. I understand her because I know what it is like to live a life that depends on performing for survival. For "love". For "peace".
grace to you.
I told my husband a long time ago that I felt like a prostitute. I wasn't exaggerating. Now I know why. Because it's not just about sex. It's about the loss of self. About having to give in order to be "taken care of". The weight o the realizations this week have been heavy. But, I can walk a new life. I must walk a new life. Or else I won't have really lived at all. Funny that this would come on the heels of putting good, solid truth in my mind and heart. Sometimes, truth hurts, but it hurts good. Because it scrapes off the old. Allows a place for the new.
I know that prostitute. Not because I walk streets or because I wear stilettos and fishnet.....hahhahaha, that's a funny funny image.....but because I understand her heart. And how she got stuck. That while she was chasing her dream she took a wrong turn and got stuck in an alley that seems to be guarded by scary dogs. They move aside....but only if she starts walking through them. My heart weeps for her. For her fear. For her courage. For how people misunderstand. I understand her because I know what it is like to live a life that depends on performing for survival. For "love". For "peace".
grace to you.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I Think
You might have noted that lately I've been rather glum about the whole marriage thing. Ok....for most of this blog. But lately, it has increased as my understanding of how warped things have become. I simply don't trust or respect the man that I married. I can't even go into the things he does and doesn't do adequately. I can't possibly describe for anyone else how deeply wounded my heart is and why it feels like I can't even function these last few days.
I guess that I think that I should be able to force my brain and heart to do what they "should". I know that I can go through the motions. But, motions are a sad substitute for what might have been.
But, it was never going to be. And it's not going to be. And I think that maybe telling myself the truth is so hard that it's easier to hear the platitudes. But, it doesn't matter whose fault. It doesn't matter how it went. Or why. It just did. And I think that I'm tired of trying to fix it all. Of always having to be the one to decide things...so that it's always my fault.
Tomorrow he wants me to go eat at someone's house that is friends with someone from our past who really was mean to me. I don't want to go. Probably will not. He accepted. I hope that he has fun. And the kids. I'll nap. I'm tired of his constant manipulative game to get me to do what he wants. And now my stomach is once again in knots. Like I'm never allowed a break.
And, I think that I just want to live. Without all of the constant garbage. Without desiring to say a choice word or three. Without thinking how very wrong all of this is....this life that I'm supposed to have with him that doesn't really exist. I gave up the pretense. But he hasn't. And now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. He walks around pretending. He talks to me about money and what there is to eat. That is his connection point. That is where the marriage has to work for him. Oh, and we mustn't forget sex, though I must say that I nearly have. And I'm not too sad about it. When I think of it now, I shake at the thought. Tremble. So, here I am on my pallet, resting and getting ready to go to sleep so that I won't be available to talk to him while I'm exhausted. Which I am. Sick two days and a busy morning today. I'm worn out. Probably has something to do with depression too.
Nah, not clinical....just the blues. They ebb and flow. As I try to learn to walk. To stand. To rest. To try to figure out who I was....who I am supposed to be. I am so used to not being her that it's a painful process to re-enter my own life. Weird.
And you know whats funny? I love to cook. Absolutely. But I can barely make myself do it lately. I know that it's because he constantly makes it all about him...how I cooked for him blah blah blah. I know that I need to grow up. I just.....can't yet. I am trying to.
Yet, I can't put it all to words and make others understand. Stuck. But, still have friends. Still loved. Still able to connect.
I will get through this. For my God is higher than this temporary struggle. And His mercy never ends. So thankful for that.
But, in all honesty, I still feel like calling him some names tonight. What a jerk he is being. While pretending to be Joe Christian. Blech.
Ok, I'll quiet whining and go to sleep.....before I get caught.
grace to you.
I guess that I think that I should be able to force my brain and heart to do what they "should". I know that I can go through the motions. But, motions are a sad substitute for what might have been.
But, it was never going to be. And it's not going to be. And I think that maybe telling myself the truth is so hard that it's easier to hear the platitudes. But, it doesn't matter whose fault. It doesn't matter how it went. Or why. It just did. And I think that I'm tired of trying to fix it all. Of always having to be the one to decide things...so that it's always my fault.
Tomorrow he wants me to go eat at someone's house that is friends with someone from our past who really was mean to me. I don't want to go. Probably will not. He accepted. I hope that he has fun. And the kids. I'll nap. I'm tired of his constant manipulative game to get me to do what he wants. And now my stomach is once again in knots. Like I'm never allowed a break.
And, I think that I just want to live. Without all of the constant garbage. Without desiring to say a choice word or three. Without thinking how very wrong all of this is....this life that I'm supposed to have with him that doesn't really exist. I gave up the pretense. But he hasn't. And now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. He walks around pretending. He talks to me about money and what there is to eat. That is his connection point. That is where the marriage has to work for him. Oh, and we mustn't forget sex, though I must say that I nearly have. And I'm not too sad about it. When I think of it now, I shake at the thought. Tremble. So, here I am on my pallet, resting and getting ready to go to sleep so that I won't be available to talk to him while I'm exhausted. Which I am. Sick two days and a busy morning today. I'm worn out. Probably has something to do with depression too.
Nah, not clinical....just the blues. They ebb and flow. As I try to learn to walk. To stand. To rest. To try to figure out who I was....who I am supposed to be. I am so used to not being her that it's a painful process to re-enter my own life. Weird.
And you know whats funny? I love to cook. Absolutely. But I can barely make myself do it lately. I know that it's because he constantly makes it all about him...how I cooked for him blah blah blah. I know that I need to grow up. I just.....can't yet. I am trying to.
Yet, I can't put it all to words and make others understand. Stuck. But, still have friends. Still loved. Still able to connect.
I will get through this. For my God is higher than this temporary struggle. And His mercy never ends. So thankful for that.
But, in all honesty, I still feel like calling him some names tonight. What a jerk he is being. While pretending to be Joe Christian. Blech.
Ok, I'll quiet whining and go to sleep.....before I get caught.
grace to you.
Clanging Cymbals
This week, I subbed in preschool again. The kids are so cute....the teachers are simply amazing. Because it's not easy to keep 15 or 16 3 and 4 year olds on task. It goes against their very nature, which is....leave nothing unexplored: language, toys, pencils, paper, scissors, blocks, plants, animals, electronics. Whatever it is, they are born with a simple need to explore, experience and enjoy. Very fun. Except that music is one of the things that is to be "explored". Now, I learned as a mother of so many very long ago that there are two ok instruments for preschoolers.....xylophone and harmonica. They sound somewhat nice even when being abused. However, this last week was the week to explore percussion. They had a drum, which was, well, actually it was ok. They also had cymbals. Did I mention that they have 40 minutes of "exploring" time? I noticed those instruments as soon as I entered the room. Like a well trained drug dog...sniffing out any harmful substances. But, the morning class never really touched them. Then the afternoon class came. They did not stop for the entire 40 minutes. They clanged and smashed and crashed those cymbals. One child after another. It was not pretty music. And, the drum I spoke of? It was a part of the grand preschool musical as well.
Hearing those cymbals made me think about life. About the things people do. About intentions. About love. Doing something because it's the right thing to do or because you should do it or because it will turn out well for you or make you look good.....all of those things fall short. Eventually the very base of why we live as we do has to come from love. Otherwise, it's all as irritating as clanging cymbals. Ba bing. I realized this in the shower. My husband might get his list together. He might want to look good. But, the bottom line is that it never came out of love. Except for love of self. For years I begged for something good, for gentleness, kindness....for a strong marriage....for understanding. Never. But, when it affected his sense of safety, of reputation....suddenly he seems to do some things. In a stilted way. But, I've tried to tell him...it's still about him. About his fear of loss. Not about any of us. So, it sounds like clanging symbols. Because though you do all things, though you meet the "criteria", without love, it's all just irritating.
Now I kind of get why I feel like I do. Not pretty, but at least I understand a little bit better. Doing it to get something doesn't heal or sooth. Doing it to be popular or noticed doesn't either. When love just isn't there...it just isn't.
grace to you.
Hearing those cymbals made me think about life. About the things people do. About intentions. About love. Doing something because it's the right thing to do or because you should do it or because it will turn out well for you or make you look good.....all of those things fall short. Eventually the very base of why we live as we do has to come from love. Otherwise, it's all as irritating as clanging cymbals. Ba bing. I realized this in the shower. My husband might get his list together. He might want to look good. But, the bottom line is that it never came out of love. Except for love of self. For years I begged for something good, for gentleness, kindness....for a strong marriage....for understanding. Never. But, when it affected his sense of safety, of reputation....suddenly he seems to do some things. In a stilted way. But, I've tried to tell him...it's still about him. About his fear of loss. Not about any of us. So, it sounds like clanging symbols. Because though you do all things, though you meet the "criteria", without love, it's all just irritating.
Now I kind of get why I feel like I do. Not pretty, but at least I understand a little bit better. Doing it to get something doesn't heal or sooth. Doing it to be popular or noticed doesn't either. When love just isn't there...it just isn't.
grace to you.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Jokes on the Jerks
You know, there are people all over who are jerks. Who take advantage and make uncomfortable. Most of them don't matter much to us. But when we marry them, it changes everything. But, if we ever stand up and say what is true....then eventually, the jokes on the jerks. Because they don't get the biggest point of what is important.....they believe it's them....or things....but not relationships. And the joke is....heaven is all about relationships. So, eventually, we all have to face how to deal with relationships. All of us. No excuses.
grace to you.
grace to you.
Take Care
There are days when I have to stop and remember, "take care." It's easy to say to others. Easy to take care of others. Harder with myself. Today, I'm trying to remember for me. Trying to take care of me. I'm weak and weary....in so many ways. I hate being sick.
I've eaten cereal. I know that I need to do better than that..but I just can't seem to get it into my heart to do so. I've not felt well and now I've got to face the weekend of avoidance. It's so....wearing. I know also that I should be "doing", but all I can seem to do today is be checked out.
Under the radar. During work hours. So tired. From being sick, I think. Knocks down my other strengths too.
Sometimes I forget to take care. To let myself hurt. Grieve. Laugh. Just simply enjoy. Sometimes it's all just simply too much. On those days....I must just take care of me. If I possibly can. Even if others need too. It's not easy. Too bad I'm not a genie...then I could do it all. Including eating something decent. And all I can think now is that I have to figure out what is for dinner. Yikes. Really? Again? Yep. I'll try to keep it simple. I'm having one of those "take care" days. I have to remember that it's ok.....
grace to you.
I've eaten cereal. I know that I need to do better than that..but I just can't seem to get it into my heart to do so. I've not felt well and now I've got to face the weekend of avoidance. It's so....wearing. I know also that I should be "doing", but all I can seem to do today is be checked out.
Under the radar. During work hours. So tired. From being sick, I think. Knocks down my other strengths too.
Sometimes I forget to take care. To let myself hurt. Grieve. Laugh. Just simply enjoy. Sometimes it's all just simply too much. On those days....I must just take care of me. If I possibly can. Even if others need too. It's not easy. Too bad I'm not a genie...then I could do it all. Including eating something decent. And all I can think now is that I have to figure out what is for dinner. Yikes. Really? Again? Yep. I'll try to keep it simple. I'm having one of those "take care" days. I have to remember that it's ok.....
grace to you.
Calling Out
When life gets hard, it's time to call out for help. To God. To others. As a matter of fact, it's a good idea before life gets hard. Because, sometimes, when it's really hard, it's almost impossible to call out. Then you have to wait to be found. And, if you have done a good job of calling out and of hearing when others call...then, they come. When you have no voice, when you can't call out. When you are hurting, sick or a wreck. They know it. And they are there. That's why God gives us His family. To bind wounds. To bring back joy. To remind us that no day is without blessings.
Being found is sweet and incredibly humbling. It is the blessing that touches our souls.....that we were not only seen, but we were missed....missed enough to look for, to help, to care.
Yes, calling out is good. But, sometimes it's just not possible. Then, it's good to know that there are those who will come running.
grace to you.
Being found is sweet and incredibly humbling. It is the blessing that touches our souls.....that we were not only seen, but we were missed....missed enough to look for, to help, to care.
Yes, calling out is good. But, sometimes it's just not possible. Then, it's good to know that there are those who will come running.
grace to you.
When the Morning Comes
Sometimes, the nights that are supposed to be refreshing, relaxing, renewing.....aren't. Sometimes, when the morning comes, it feels too early, too soon, too dark. Any number of reasons can be the cause. Too many worries. Feeling sick. Someone waking you up. I totally remember the days of small children. Bad news. It can also be staying up late for something fun. Whatever the cause, sometimes I'm just not ready for morning. It's like that emotionally too, not just physically. Sometimes the new day comes too soon. With more things to face. With more questions to answer. With more hurts to heal. Even more good to do....but it's like it came before I was ready. Before I had a chance to spiritually and emotionally get on my gear. I find myself frail. Tender. Blinking at the lights that I turn on.
Yes, I am the bringer of light in my family. And heat. I arise earliest and do those things. Always have needed to. I have missed very few days. Even when I'm sick. Or tired. Or wanting to rest. Because they are mine. Because they matter. It is my privilege to serve in those simple ways. Kind of funny though. I was the late night student. The one who would stay up way too late and had a hard time in the mornings. But, I adjusted. I have learned that I have to be prepared when the morning comes. There is no putting it off. New days come and we can't hold them back. Hiding my head under a pillow or being sick or feeling exhausted doesn't keep the day from coming.
I have to put on my "armor" and face the day. And, when the armor is too heavy and I am too weak, I have to let my Knight simply cover me over with His shield. And I need to hunker down there until I can arise and dress in armor.
But there are those who expect me to be ready every day. To have my "A" game. To be on top of things. I'm learning that the expectation is not kind. It harms me. For many years I pushed through no matter what. It's ok for some things. For some times.
But, I am learning that I was made for work........and rest. That it is how I was created. And to deny needing real, refreshing, rejuvenating rest is to deny what God says about me.
So today, when the morning came and I realized that I had had a rough night feeling sick, I didn't beat myself up. I went slowly. But, I did go. Because though the rest wasn't great, it was enough to let me get up and make it through time with my kids. I love seeing them off to school and if I can possibly do it, I'm there. Not because they expect it. Not because it's an obligation. Because it is precious moments with them. Time on the way to school. Silly? Perhaps. Important? Immensely.
But, I don't think that I can haul on my armor today. And, cinching up the belt might hurt my tummy. But, God provides friends to provide cover when we are ill and wounded. Like in the movies where they lift their shields over their heads and make a shelter. I'm just going to rest in that shelter today. And be content. Even though I am not strong. I'm not going to bully myself.
That's progress.
Grace to you.
Yes, I am the bringer of light in my family. And heat. I arise earliest and do those things. Always have needed to. I have missed very few days. Even when I'm sick. Or tired. Or wanting to rest. Because they are mine. Because they matter. It is my privilege to serve in those simple ways. Kind of funny though. I was the late night student. The one who would stay up way too late and had a hard time in the mornings. But, I adjusted. I have learned that I have to be prepared when the morning comes. There is no putting it off. New days come and we can't hold them back. Hiding my head under a pillow or being sick or feeling exhausted doesn't keep the day from coming.
I have to put on my "armor" and face the day. And, when the armor is too heavy and I am too weak, I have to let my Knight simply cover me over with His shield. And I need to hunker down there until I can arise and dress in armor.
But there are those who expect me to be ready every day. To have my "A" game. To be on top of things. I'm learning that the expectation is not kind. It harms me. For many years I pushed through no matter what. It's ok for some things. For some times.
But, I am learning that I was made for work........and rest. That it is how I was created. And to deny needing real, refreshing, rejuvenating rest is to deny what God says about me.
So today, when the morning came and I realized that I had had a rough night feeling sick, I didn't beat myself up. I went slowly. But, I did go. Because though the rest wasn't great, it was enough to let me get up and make it through time with my kids. I love seeing them off to school and if I can possibly do it, I'm there. Not because they expect it. Not because it's an obligation. Because it is precious moments with them. Time on the way to school. Silly? Perhaps. Important? Immensely.
But, I don't think that I can haul on my armor today. And, cinching up the belt might hurt my tummy. But, God provides friends to provide cover when we are ill and wounded. Like in the movies where they lift their shields over their heads and make a shelter. I'm just going to rest in that shelter today. And be content. Even though I am not strong. I'm not going to bully myself.
That's progress.
Grace to you.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
History. Future.
Maybe it's the not feeling too well. I'll tell you, working with so many different classes is exposing me to each and every little variety of virus. Feel like I'm constantly battling a cold or a flu. It'll settle down. It does with teachers. But, today, my tummy is not so good. Hey, but I still went to work. Of course, then I fed my kids Taco Bell....can't do everything.
But, I keep thinking about the people who say "go back to the beginning, look at the pictures, re-create how it once was." If the "once was" was based on fact. then perhaps that works. But I look back, and while I appreciate some aspects of our history, it's nothing that I want to repeat. Nor re-create. Having history doesn't automatically give way to having future. Though, it is a pleasant thing to be with those with whom we have history....to some degree.
I am not opposed to recognizing the good....having kids being the main thing. But, basing the next forty years on what happened before seems silly. Especially since it was a bad foundation. So, I sought to build a new foundation. Strengthen what was in the NOW. He was never interested. Past hurts are to be forgotten. Never thought about again. But if they are a pattern. A lifestyle. It's a little difficult to "forget".
I'm learning how the past, present and future all hold a part of us. The future is what we long for, hope for, dream about. The present is where we build toward those hopes and dreams. And the past...it is the foundation....and if it's rotted or shaky, it has to be taken down and built again. Or bulldozed to create the way for something new.
I tried the first way...to build something strong and real. Now, I see that one person does not a relationship make. History doesn't mean future. But it does affect the future. So, since I can't affect the past, I have to build correctly in the present...so that when it becomes history, it's worth continuing to build on.
This swaying, shaking, trembling foundation is sad. Condemned. Not safe. I've put up the notices. Boarded up the windows. Time to have it taken down.
grace to you
But, I keep thinking about the people who say "go back to the beginning, look at the pictures, re-create how it once was." If the "once was" was based on fact. then perhaps that works. But I look back, and while I appreciate some aspects of our history, it's nothing that I want to repeat. Nor re-create. Having history doesn't automatically give way to having future. Though, it is a pleasant thing to be with those with whom we have history....to some degree.
I am not opposed to recognizing the good....having kids being the main thing. But, basing the next forty years on what happened before seems silly. Especially since it was a bad foundation. So, I sought to build a new foundation. Strengthen what was in the NOW. He was never interested. Past hurts are to be forgotten. Never thought about again. But if they are a pattern. A lifestyle. It's a little difficult to "forget".
I'm learning how the past, present and future all hold a part of us. The future is what we long for, hope for, dream about. The present is where we build toward those hopes and dreams. And the past...it is the foundation....and if it's rotted or shaky, it has to be taken down and built again. Or bulldozed to create the way for something new.
I tried the first way...to build something strong and real. Now, I see that one person does not a relationship make. History doesn't mean future. But it does affect the future. So, since I can't affect the past, I have to build correctly in the present...so that when it becomes history, it's worth continuing to build on.
This swaying, shaking, trembling foundation is sad. Condemned. Not safe. I've put up the notices. Boarded up the windows. Time to have it taken down.
grace to you
Don't Call Us. We'll Call You.
Been thinking about relationships and how they work. Or don't work. Or work in some funky, nearly non-understandable way.
My family was screwed up since....my earliest memories. And yet, in some very deep ways, I can say that there was love. Looking now, I think maybe I understand it a little better.
On my father's side, my grandfather was mean. Abusive too. But, just mean spirited. He was mean to my grandma for years. She left once, only to return because she had two children and back then, what could a woman who had dropped out of high school do to support herself and two kids? She had one more child. Lived her life with her husband until he died rather suddenly. Now, I realize that there family dynamic became her/the kids and him. He hated my father. Called him good for nothing...and worse. Well, I got thrown into that mix during fourth grade. I actually missed a good part of a school year with the move....going from a regular school to a year round. But, being my father's daughter was enough to make me a target. But, my grandma was kind. And those years have some good memories. She taught me to sew. She was kind. We lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment. And though she was kind, she didn't really protect. Now, I know that she was too weary herself. But, I thought that she loved me. Eventually, the battling between my father and grandfather made staying there too hard. I went to an unofficial foster family. There I stayed until I graduated. Went to college. Never went back to either of those places to live again. Got married. And I thought, really thought, that I was important to my grandma. I still think that maybe I am, but here's the thing. In over five years....much longer, really.....she has never once called me. I have called her. Though, it's less and less over time. It's not long distance. My phone numbers haven't changed. And I just realized that this year I finally didn't call her for her birthday. I used to stop by her apartment if I was in the area. Quit doing that after I realized how many times she comes to my town and had never said anything. At least once a month. Eventually, calls got further apart. With her never calling me. And now, I realize that slowly, I had to let go of someone I thought loved me. She's not a bad lady. She's just focused on her second oldest son that she feels a need to please because he does a lot for her. So she doesn't want him to feel like she has something good or more with anyone else.
It's not bad. I'm ok with it. It is simply that I was realizing that if a relationship has to be all one sided then it is doomed. Except for with God. My relationship with Him is totally lopsided...with Him giving and giving and giving. But, eventually, in human relationships, if there isn't back and forth, isn't giving and taking, isn't calling and being called....then, eventually, the time passes and the relationship fades away.
Explaining a lot to me about life and how important it is to be a giver AND a receiver. And why my marriage could go for so long....but not forever.
Friends. Family. Doesn't matter.....it only works if both sides are vested in making it work. Otherwise, it's like putting water in a holey bucket.
grace to you.
My family was screwed up since....my earliest memories. And yet, in some very deep ways, I can say that there was love. Looking now, I think maybe I understand it a little better.
On my father's side, my grandfather was mean. Abusive too. But, just mean spirited. He was mean to my grandma for years. She left once, only to return because she had two children and back then, what could a woman who had dropped out of high school do to support herself and two kids? She had one more child. Lived her life with her husband until he died rather suddenly. Now, I realize that there family dynamic became her/the kids and him. He hated my father. Called him good for nothing...and worse. Well, I got thrown into that mix during fourth grade. I actually missed a good part of a school year with the move....going from a regular school to a year round. But, being my father's daughter was enough to make me a target. But, my grandma was kind. And those years have some good memories. She taught me to sew. She was kind. We lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment. And though she was kind, she didn't really protect. Now, I know that she was too weary herself. But, I thought that she loved me. Eventually, the battling between my father and grandfather made staying there too hard. I went to an unofficial foster family. There I stayed until I graduated. Went to college. Never went back to either of those places to live again. Got married. And I thought, really thought, that I was important to my grandma. I still think that maybe I am, but here's the thing. In over five years....much longer, really.....she has never once called me. I have called her. Though, it's less and less over time. It's not long distance. My phone numbers haven't changed. And I just realized that this year I finally didn't call her for her birthday. I used to stop by her apartment if I was in the area. Quit doing that after I realized how many times she comes to my town and had never said anything. At least once a month. Eventually, calls got further apart. With her never calling me. And now, I realize that slowly, I had to let go of someone I thought loved me. She's not a bad lady. She's just focused on her second oldest son that she feels a need to please because he does a lot for her. So she doesn't want him to feel like she has something good or more with anyone else.
It's not bad. I'm ok with it. It is simply that I was realizing that if a relationship has to be all one sided then it is doomed. Except for with God. My relationship with Him is totally lopsided...with Him giving and giving and giving. But, eventually, in human relationships, if there isn't back and forth, isn't giving and taking, isn't calling and being called....then, eventually, the time passes and the relationship fades away.
Explaining a lot to me about life and how important it is to be a giver AND a receiver. And why my marriage could go for so long....but not forever.
Friends. Family. Doesn't matter.....it only works if both sides are vested in making it work. Otherwise, it's like putting water in a holey bucket.
grace to you.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Him. Us.
I just can't figure out how it is that my husband was never assimilated. Lack of desire seems to be the key. The rest of us are like a puzzle fit together...making a family...but he seems to like the idea of family without the emotional investment nor the attachment. I can't say that he doesn't care. I think that he does. But he cares as things revolve around his life. For instance, my daughter had a meeting tonight...it begins 15 minutes before a meeting that he has. He simply will not take her ON TIME. She hates to be late. I drive her brother that has to be there 40 minutes earlier, turn around, get her and take her back. However, if he HAS to be somewhere, it's a huge deal to get going...not for choir and such, he walks in when he wants. It's the little things that speak to kids. To people. Especially within a family. The willingness to put somebody else first.
A friend asked me a long time ago what if neither person is willing to give in and do something for the other. I had said that they would end up divorced. What I didn't realize is that even if ONE of the people isn't willing, it still doesn't work. It's imbalanced. Warped.
But what is weird is that it actually causes him to have the bad feelings towards us.....jealous. Wants the best things. Want to be "popular" with the kids. But he doesn't want to put in the effort at building a relationship. They were very young when he quit hugging them. Now, he tries. But, it's pretty tough. But, he just won't let them know that no matter what happens, no matter what they do, no matter where they are....that he will be there for them. He won't let me know that either. Because....he won't be. Simple as that. If it's convenient. If it's what he wants to do. If it makes him look good. But if it just meets a need, I can't count on him. And, sadly, his kids don't.
There has been him and us for so many years.....I had wanted a we. Now, I don't anymore.
I'm frustrated with him today. Sure it shows.
grace to you.
A friend asked me a long time ago what if neither person is willing to give in and do something for the other. I had said that they would end up divorced. What I didn't realize is that even if ONE of the people isn't willing, it still doesn't work. It's imbalanced. Warped.
But what is weird is that it actually causes him to have the bad feelings towards us.....jealous. Wants the best things. Want to be "popular" with the kids. But he doesn't want to put in the effort at building a relationship. They were very young when he quit hugging them. Now, he tries. But, it's pretty tough. But, he just won't let them know that no matter what happens, no matter what they do, no matter where they are....that he will be there for them. He won't let me know that either. Because....he won't be. Simple as that. If it's convenient. If it's what he wants to do. If it makes him look good. But if it just meets a need, I can't count on him. And, sadly, his kids don't.
There has been him and us for so many years.....I had wanted a we. Now, I don't anymore.
I'm frustrated with him today. Sure it shows.
grace to you.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Dinner
The four of us cooked. Each took a part. Ate together. Shared the goods and bads of our day. Being with them changed the best part of my day to that very moment of being with them. Hearing them. I was so glad he didn't come home. I can barely get my one son to come when he's around. To interact. To share. To even look up. But, we just sat and chatted and enjoyed one another. Cleaned up. All done. All doing different things....boys setting up the room now that it's only the two of them. Kind of excited about that. Daughter hit the shower right away. My "loves to be in jammies" girl. Me, I am writing. That's the thing about working that is tough. No time to write. ;) But hey, a paycheck is a very good thing.
Then, I clicked onto facebook and there was a relationship request. Really??? I am not 15. I'm not going to do the "so and so" is in a relationship with"so and so." Well, I could choose "it's complicated," but that would make him mad and everyone else curious. No, Not so gung ho about displaying such on facebook.
But dinner...sustenance...it had a lot less to do with the food than with the time together. They are wonderful people to be with. Their being in my life is like nourishment. So fulfilling. Even on thehard days.
Dinner was wonderful. And the food was pretty good too.
grace to you.
Then, I clicked onto facebook and there was a relationship request. Really??? I am not 15. I'm not going to do the "so and so" is in a relationship with"so and so." Well, I could choose "it's complicated," but that would make him mad and everyone else curious. No, Not so gung ho about displaying such on facebook.
But dinner...sustenance...it had a lot less to do with the food than with the time together. They are wonderful people to be with. Their being in my life is like nourishment. So fulfilling. Even on thehard days.
Dinner was wonderful. And the food was pretty good too.
grace to you.
Becoming
I am becoming. Yep, that was a whole sentence. As in a plant becoming a flower. Or a sunrise becoming a day. It's a process, yet all of the potential and purpose is there before you even see what is happening. That's how I feel. Like maybe people don't see what I have begun to feel inside, but that their not seeing does not negate the fact that that I AM becoming. Slowly. Surely. Sometimes painfully. Like the plant, sometimes regressing in the frost or heat. Like the sunrise, sometimes being covered with clouds. Thwarted, but not beaten. Because He who wills and purposes in my has as much expectation of me becoming what He planned as I have that the sun will indeed rise. That the rose will indeed bloom. And, while I might stress, I should, instead, be more like the sun and the rose....and let the process happen. As long as it takes. However it goes. Waiting. Participating. But not agonizing.
For, I am becoming.
And, yes, there can also be that play on words...becoming as in beautiful. And that too I am learning....that just as the sun and the rose are full of beauty....that's exactly how He sees me. And wants me to see myself. Would that I would rest in the knowledge and comfort of the beauty that He sees in me....as the rose just is....and the sun simply shines. In time.
For, I am becoming.
grace to you
For, I am becoming.
And, yes, there can also be that play on words...becoming as in beautiful. And that too I am learning....that just as the sun and the rose are full of beauty....that's exactly how He sees me. And wants me to see myself. Would that I would rest in the knowledge and comfort of the beauty that He sees in me....as the rose just is....and the sun simply shines. In time.
For, I am becoming.
grace to you
Monday, September 19, 2011
Get Away
I had hoped to plan time with my over the years girlfriends. Then, I realized that all of them were already going to be on a great trip together. I am happy about their trip. Trip of a lifetime...with a group that I'm not a part of. But, they are spending their money and time off doing that, so I know that I can't make the time to get together and talk. I had hoped to share some things. To give a heads up on all of the stuff. I don't want any of them to get knocked too hard if they hear rumors or see that things aren't "right". I want to be truthful. But, I only want to tell my story. I'm assuming the time isn't right. So, I need a get away instead of a get together? I want to go sleep in a place not in a living room. I want to be around people who care about me. I just need a little boost. But the timing isn't right apparently. I will be patient. I am patient. I'm not 10...I don't need to run away. Even if I feel like it.
grace to you.
grace to you.
Bruised
Bruised. That's how I feel. Sometimes, things from the past, or people from the past, still have the power to "punch" me. To cause me discomfort and pain. To make me weep. To knock me down. What's sad is that my husband could choose the person that I'm talking about over me. That he still doesn't understand how ill the person is. Absolutely without stability. Someone who has hurt me, among many other people in my life. I get that there can be mercy. What I don't get is why I am not given it.
As I get ready to curl up on my pallet, I think about how long it has been since I have had a "place" to be. To take a nap. To be away from "eyes". I miss that. I know that the other stuff hurts me more because of it. I don't hide out in my car quite as much. Though, it is my refuge if I feel pushed. It amazes me that I can be so hurt by someone who claims to love, made to feel so insignificant and small. And yet......he doesn't see a problem with just keeping on as it was. Argue over something stupid until I am worn out and absolutely broken. Then he cries. Wants me to comfort him. Then he wants sex....because if you've forgiven then everything should be fine...Then the tension builds again. I'm a wreck. Can barely function. And nothing is ever right for him. But, somehow, he wants to keep it Today I was reflecting on how often I begged and pleaded for us to strive for the great marriage. Communication. Direction. Spiritual guidance. It never happened. It deteriorated more and more. And today I realized that I am the one that looks harsh. Maybe I am the one that IS harsh. Because now, even if he does change his mind and decide to do it differently or something. I just CAN'T. i I gave 20 years of my A game. I don't have anything left to give him. I know that God fills. It's just that being hurt continually, being put down, being categorized as not as good....well, it's not healthy. Really, for real, physically, it's hard on the health. And I really CAN'T do it anymore.
So, I'm bruised. Because today just reminded me of yet another way that he rejected me. And of how he never chose me. However, now that I'm not choosing him, that's wrong and sinful. And what's the truth? The truth is that I'm not sure that I care what he thinks about that. And that is the saddest testimony of all. Not anger. Not hate. Apathy. I am to a point where I just don't care what he thinks. Where I am closing myself off from valuing his opinion. Because it is the only safe place. Because his opinion has been so harmful to my very being.
Yep. I'm bruised. It throbs. Pulses. Aches. And I guess that this hard floor doesn't help either. ;) But, it means that I am alive. Able to feel. Real. Caring. It means that though I am pulling away from giving value to his opinion, I am a person who cares. That is what makes it all so difficult.
grace to you.
As I get ready to curl up on my pallet, I think about how long it has been since I have had a "place" to be. To take a nap. To be away from "eyes". I miss that. I know that the other stuff hurts me more because of it. I don't hide out in my car quite as much. Though, it is my refuge if I feel pushed. It amazes me that I can be so hurt by someone who claims to love, made to feel so insignificant and small. And yet......he doesn't see a problem with just keeping on as it was. Argue over something stupid until I am worn out and absolutely broken. Then he cries. Wants me to comfort him. Then he wants sex....because if you've forgiven then everything should be fine...Then the tension builds again. I'm a wreck. Can barely function. And nothing is ever right for him. But, somehow, he wants to keep it Today I was reflecting on how often I begged and pleaded for us to strive for the great marriage. Communication. Direction. Spiritual guidance. It never happened. It deteriorated more and more. And today I realized that I am the one that looks harsh. Maybe I am the one that IS harsh. Because now, even if he does change his mind and decide to do it differently or something. I just CAN'T. i I gave 20 years of my A game. I don't have anything left to give him. I know that God fills. It's just that being hurt continually, being put down, being categorized as not as good....well, it's not healthy. Really, for real, physically, it's hard on the health. And I really CAN'T do it anymore.
So, I'm bruised. Because today just reminded me of yet another way that he rejected me. And of how he never chose me. However, now that I'm not choosing him, that's wrong and sinful. And what's the truth? The truth is that I'm not sure that I care what he thinks about that. And that is the saddest testimony of all. Not anger. Not hate. Apathy. I am to a point where I just don't care what he thinks. Where I am closing myself off from valuing his opinion. Because it is the only safe place. Because his opinion has been so harmful to my very being.
Yep. I'm bruised. It throbs. Pulses. Aches. And I guess that this hard floor doesn't help either. ;) But, it means that I am alive. Able to feel. Real. Caring. It means that though I am pulling away from giving value to his opinion, I am a person who cares. That is what makes it all so difficult.
grace to you.
Job
Get to work today. Work really is a blessing. Sometimes it feels like more of a blessing to get to curl up under covers and let the world go by...but, when I get up and start getting ready, it's like magic. I feel more alert. I am planning. I am thinking. I am moving. Work is about a job to be done, but it's also about who I am becoming. How I handle myself. It's about growing and constantly learning to be better at what I am doing.
I have more than a job today. I have a miracle. The miracle of work. The fact that I got employed. The fact that I get to be at a school I really enjoy. I don't want to miss out on any of the little miracles all around me.
I'm going to keep my eyes open...and my heart today. I want to be aware and thankful for each gift. Each miracle.
grace to you.
I have more than a job today. I have a miracle. The miracle of work. The fact that I got employed. The fact that I get to be at a school I really enjoy. I don't want to miss out on any of the little miracles all around me.
I'm going to keep my eyes open...and my heart today. I want to be aware and thankful for each gift. Each miracle.
grace to you.
Solitary
This morning I awoke, on the floor, with a feeling of being trapped. Of not being able to change anything. That maybe I should just give in and give up. Don't worry,by the time I had sat up, which is a little harder when on the floor, I had begun again to think about perspective.
That thinking led me to thinking about the prisoners of war that are kept in solitary confinement, who never see light, who don't know if anyone is looking for them, who are tortured, who have very little space., who are nearly starved. Yet, the ones who survive talk about how they were free within their minds. How nobody can take away what is in your mind.
It's way too easy to give away my mind. To take what others think as reality instead of choosing freedom within the walls of my own mind. I have been set free. Why do I allow myself to get all tangled up in the circumstances? Because the are SO overwhelming and so ever present. And, because I woke up wondering how in the world can I shake off this mess I've gotten myself into. Therein is the key. Those prisoners need to not blame themselves. Blame destroys. Blame uses up energy. Blame fills the mind with self hating. That makes me know that no matter how often I work at putting to words what has happened and how things are been....at the core of me, I feel like a failure. I see the women who have what I tried to have and I just think that I blew it.
But, I didn't. And I'm not going to live in solitary when I don't have to. I am free. In my mind first, and in the world second. I don't have to succumb to the thoughts that pass through my mind. I can turn them over like a rock at the beach, seeing if it's one I want to keep.....and if I don't, I can chuck it into the ocean. And, yes, just like the rock, it's likely that it will wash back up and I will see it again. Next time, it will take me less time to know that it's not what I want to keep. Eventually, I won't pick it up at all.
Whatever is good. Right. Excellent. Worthy of praise. Let your mind DWELL (live within) these things. I think God knew my very struggle and provided wise words of advice.
grace to you.
That thinking led me to thinking about the prisoners of war that are kept in solitary confinement, who never see light, who don't know if anyone is looking for them, who are tortured, who have very little space., who are nearly starved. Yet, the ones who survive talk about how they were free within their minds. How nobody can take away what is in your mind.
It's way too easy to give away my mind. To take what others think as reality instead of choosing freedom within the walls of my own mind. I have been set free. Why do I allow myself to get all tangled up in the circumstances? Because the are SO overwhelming and so ever present. And, because I woke up wondering how in the world can I shake off this mess I've gotten myself into. Therein is the key. Those prisoners need to not blame themselves. Blame destroys. Blame uses up energy. Blame fills the mind with self hating. That makes me know that no matter how often I work at putting to words what has happened and how things are been....at the core of me, I feel like a failure. I see the women who have what I tried to have and I just think that I blew it.
But, I didn't. And I'm not going to live in solitary when I don't have to. I am free. In my mind first, and in the world second. I don't have to succumb to the thoughts that pass through my mind. I can turn them over like a rock at the beach, seeing if it's one I want to keep.....and if I don't, I can chuck it into the ocean. And, yes, just like the rock, it's likely that it will wash back up and I will see it again. Next time, it will take me less time to know that it's not what I want to keep. Eventually, I won't pick it up at all.
Whatever is good. Right. Excellent. Worthy of praise. Let your mind DWELL (live within) these things. I think God knew my very struggle and provided wise words of advice.
grace to you.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saving
I started putting money in my bank again. Clink clink...all the way to the bottom. But, it won't be long. It will add up faster than I think. I still have trouble believing that he thinks that taking my birthday money is ok. Isn't the first time. But it still astounds me.
For the first time I am buying make up and hair things when I need them. Not worrying. Well, ok, worrying a little, but doing it anyway. I'm getting what I need and not apologizing. Anytime I get ANYTHING, he shows me a bill or says that he needs money for something. Yet, the same person uses money for himself. Complains if the meals don't have all of the things he wants.
I'm saving. To prove to myself that I can begin again. That being hurt doesn't mean the end. Just start over.
He is counting my sub days to figure out how much money to expect. Funny. He doesn't get that I use that money to buy things the kids need. Or to make up on the grocery bill. Or to get clothes. Or to have coffee out. I guess I should start making more.....so I can have a nest egg. I don't really want to because it's easier to tell him, "nope, nothing in there...". Don't want to lie. Not sure how to handle it if I start a savings. Wish I had a mama. I'd give it to her to hold for me for sure. That way I wouldn't have it......until I needed it.
Yep, I started over. Because I can. Because I must.
I just wonder....why does he stay? It is as if it is power giving. Ego building. It doesn't boost me up or make me feel hopeful. It makes me feel....creepy. It's strange.
But, strange or not, I am starting again. Moving forward. Choosing to see what the journey holds.
Tomorrow and Tuesday work. Thursday work. Praying for Wednesday.
Grace to you.
For the first time I am buying make up and hair things when I need them. Not worrying. Well, ok, worrying a little, but doing it anyway. I'm getting what I need and not apologizing. Anytime I get ANYTHING, he shows me a bill or says that he needs money for something. Yet, the same person uses money for himself. Complains if the meals don't have all of the things he wants.
I'm saving. To prove to myself that I can begin again. That being hurt doesn't mean the end. Just start over.
He is counting my sub days to figure out how much money to expect. Funny. He doesn't get that I use that money to buy things the kids need. Or to make up on the grocery bill. Or to get clothes. Or to have coffee out. I guess I should start making more.....so I can have a nest egg. I don't really want to because it's easier to tell him, "nope, nothing in there...". Don't want to lie. Not sure how to handle it if I start a savings. Wish I had a mama. I'd give it to her to hold for me for sure. That way I wouldn't have it......until I needed it.
Yep, I started over. Because I can. Because I must.
I just wonder....why does he stay? It is as if it is power giving. Ego building. It doesn't boost me up or make me feel hopeful. It makes me feel....creepy. It's strange.
But, strange or not, I am starting again. Moving forward. Choosing to see what the journey holds.
Tomorrow and Tuesday work. Thursday work. Praying for Wednesday.
Grace to you.
Simple Things.
I walked outside tonight with my wonderful yet somewhat eccentric dog. He is obedient and well mannered. He won't run off unless it's to chase a rabbit. But, he won't go out on his own either. If we had a fenced yard, he might...but, if you put him outside alone, he stands at the door and waits for you to go with him. So, that's how I found myself out on this night, like other nights, marveling at the fact that we live just far enough out of the city to get to enjoy immense amounts of stars. It's dark on our street. And quiet. Truly amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. Awakening. Hope giving. I stood on the path soaking up the beauty with my head tipped way back, breathing in the cool, fall air. Then, I looked down...and there he was....waiting for me to tell him that he could go off and go potty. Told you, eccentric. But, hey, we got to enjoy the stars together.
Such simple things that are so mind bogglingly uplifting. I like keeping track of those kinds of moments. Saying thanks for them. I like to acknowledge them as a gift, precious and treasured.
Part of my life is so hard. I could deny the good. Could see only the bad. I could. But why? There is beauty all around me. There are things that are jaw dropping amazing. There is too much good in this world to let the things that are hard or harsh diminish them. They scream out. Begging for my attention. Consistently showing up and awaiting my noticing. I choose beauty. I choose the glorious. I choose this for my mind. Though I can't change the other. Though I really tried my hardest and the best it ever gets is fake good. I still get to enjoy good. Simple things. Simply wonderful.
grace to you.
Such simple things that are so mind bogglingly uplifting. I like keeping track of those kinds of moments. Saying thanks for them. I like to acknowledge them as a gift, precious and treasured.
Part of my life is so hard. I could deny the good. Could see only the bad. I could. But why? There is beauty all around me. There are things that are jaw dropping amazing. There is too much good in this world to let the things that are hard or harsh diminish them. They scream out. Begging for my attention. Consistently showing up and awaiting my noticing. I choose beauty. I choose the glorious. I choose this for my mind. Though I can't change the other. Though I really tried my hardest and the best it ever gets is fake good. I still get to enjoy good. Simple things. Simply wonderful.
grace to you.
Quote
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles Swindoll
Out There
It's a little bit disconcerting having my "story" out there...my good moments, my weaknesses, my worries, my pain, my strengths.........my thoughts unguarded. And yet, at the same time as it feels totally awkward, it feels totally right and good. Like how I was wired. To write. To reach. To use my story to let others find hope. I know, if you are reading this, you know that I'm not writing to preach at anyone. Though, I do hope to point clearly to Jesus. That He has a plan. A purpose. That He is a hope giver. A joy sustainer. But, what I've found is that most of us within the church have been preached at or to quite enough. Mostly, what I need is just to be given that grace by those around me. Mostly, I just need to be able to be me and not always be trying to figure out what a "christian woman" would do. Because....I am a christian woman....so, what a christian woman would do is what I do. It's not always right. Sometimes it's just right. But whatever it is, it doesn't change my status in the Kingdom.
More and more people are reading this blog. Funny, since I didn't really suppose that anyone would. But, my prayer has been that my life be used in this little way to allow others to feel that "ah, there is someone else," feeling. Because I've looked. And searched. And tried. And mostly what I find is: "unless you are being beaten, the church does not condone ending a marriage." And every time I read it, it slams me hard. It causes me again to feel insufficient. And so, I write....so that those who read will know that there are others who aren't sure that they can go one more day as it is. Who bear no physical bruises, but carry the bruises much more deeply. I don't want to be a rebel. I simply want to tell the whole truth. That life can be much different than we pictured. That sometimes in order to survive we have to choose from two imperfect choices. And that we were made and given strength and power and courage to make those decisions. And then to STILL walk in grace.
On the other hand, I'm not a quitter. I want that to be known as well. I like to try hard. I like to do what I set out to do. I appreciate a high standard. I like being happy. But, I don't think that the world should revolve around my happiness. However, I am finally admitting that I am ALLOWED to be happy. To seek that in life which uplifts, encourages and does not destroy. The Evil One, kills, steals and destroys.....and I'm supposed to flee from him. I am supposed to seek good. To focus on excellence. To set my mind on the higher things in life. I want to live that way.
Right now, as you read, you will see........I am really beaten down. Some days it takes everything just to face it all. To try to talk to anyone. To get out of my shell. To stand up. To mean what I say. To relax. Everything seems so incredibly overwhelming. I used to be so much stronger. So much.....different.
Putting my story out there is part of being released from the shame and guilt. It's saying truth. Even the ugly parts. And, being out there is teaching me to not hold it all inside and make everything work. Though it is only in a cyber world, I am sharing. And, this sharing is helping me to do so in my real world as well. This is how I heal. Others exercise. Hike. Paint. Draw. Play music. Speak. I heal this way because, much like an artist or musician, I hope that my message reaches someone. That by revealing the very deepest parts of me,I will help someone else on her journey.
grace to you.
More and more people are reading this blog. Funny, since I didn't really suppose that anyone would. But, my prayer has been that my life be used in this little way to allow others to feel that "ah, there is someone else," feeling. Because I've looked. And searched. And tried. And mostly what I find is: "unless you are being beaten, the church does not condone ending a marriage." And every time I read it, it slams me hard. It causes me again to feel insufficient. And so, I write....so that those who read will know that there are others who aren't sure that they can go one more day as it is. Who bear no physical bruises, but carry the bruises much more deeply. I don't want to be a rebel. I simply want to tell the whole truth. That life can be much different than we pictured. That sometimes in order to survive we have to choose from two imperfect choices. And that we were made and given strength and power and courage to make those decisions. And then to STILL walk in grace.
On the other hand, I'm not a quitter. I want that to be known as well. I like to try hard. I like to do what I set out to do. I appreciate a high standard. I like being happy. But, I don't think that the world should revolve around my happiness. However, I am finally admitting that I am ALLOWED to be happy. To seek that in life which uplifts, encourages and does not destroy. The Evil One, kills, steals and destroys.....and I'm supposed to flee from him. I am supposed to seek good. To focus on excellence. To set my mind on the higher things in life. I want to live that way.
Right now, as you read, you will see........I am really beaten down. Some days it takes everything just to face it all. To try to talk to anyone. To get out of my shell. To stand up. To mean what I say. To relax. Everything seems so incredibly overwhelming. I used to be so much stronger. So much.....different.
Putting my story out there is part of being released from the shame and guilt. It's saying truth. Even the ugly parts. And, being out there is teaching me to not hold it all inside and make everything work. Though it is only in a cyber world, I am sharing. And, this sharing is helping me to do so in my real world as well. This is how I heal. Others exercise. Hike. Paint. Draw. Play music. Speak. I heal this way because, much like an artist or musician, I hope that my message reaches someone. That by revealing the very deepest parts of me,I will help someone else on her journey.
grace to you.
Enough
What I am learning is that learning is more than a straight path. Like any marvelous journey, it takes the twists and turns, the u-turns and turn arounds to be a full experience. But, when I say that I am learning something, it means that I have become aware of the necessity, acknowledge my need to progress in that direction and choose to get on the path. It doesn't mean that I've "arrived".
That said, I am learning. I typed leaning and had to fix it, but thought that it was appropriate too. Because I am having to learn to lean. Leaning on God is pretty easy really. An easy out sometimes. Learning to lean on people is hard. Especially in this aspect of life. It's easy to let them cook dinner if I'm sick....but to do this is way different. As I was driving back to church for the third time today, I cried. I finally admitted that I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. That I need those hugs. Those tender tsk tsks. I know, it sounds lame, but I do. I need to be heard and loved. Held and prayed for.
And, I had to acknowledge that my husband stole something from me that I hadn't put to words. The ability to go and worship as I once did. Freely. Elatedly. Peacefully. Wholly. Hard to do when there is such a rift. Sitting elsewhere helps. However, it creates questions from people.
I got the how are you question a lot today. A lot of, "I haven't seen you around." One, we have to get together soon.....go ahead and translate that into "I need to know what's going on." But, I also got something very precious. A woman who used to be very close to my family. Who I tried to talk to over a year ago. Just a bit. She hasn't spoken to me since. But, today she came up and not only initiated, but acknowledged that she hadn't been around. And that she knew that I must be going through a hard time. that was....kind. And another thing happened. Someone gave me the kind of hug that makes you feel like someone else is helping to hold the world together. You know the kind? Not the pat pat pat, isn't that nice, aren't you sweet whatever else kind of hug....no, the real deal. What she hadn't known is that I had found myself sitting behind her during second service, and during the meet and greet I had thought, I could sure use a hug, however, I was on my way out since I had already been to the sermon. But, I got out of my pew, walked all the way around and stood by her pew waiting to say hi. She is popular and well loved. She was busy with a woman in front of her. Giving her full, kind attention. Love that. So, I headed out and figured that I would catch her another time. When I came back to get my daughter, she was in the entry way. She asked me how I was. I totally laughed. Later, she is the one who gave me the hug and told me that she prays for me. Tears, even now. I'm not sure that there's really been anyone since my grandpa and my friend's dad that pray for me somewhat regularly. My friend's dad prayed for me by name every day. His death and my grandfather's hit me hard because of that gift being gone.
So, today I learned that my need goes deeper than I give validity to. But, I learned that God has already provided enough love and support to meet me and sustain me as I begin this journey of learning once again to seek out what should have remained a part of my life all of these years. Harder to start over, but not impossible.
If you are hurting and alone, I'm really sorry. I know how it hurt. I know how you can stand in the middle of a huge crowd and feel more alone than you do when you are actually alone in a room. Don't give up. Keep doing what little bits you can to reach out and let others help and comfort you. Can't say that some won't be meanie heads....if they are, just move along to someone else. Be a good friend. And allow people to be a good friend to you. And, I'm praying for you.
grace to you.
That said, I am learning. I typed leaning and had to fix it, but thought that it was appropriate too. Because I am having to learn to lean. Leaning on God is pretty easy really. An easy out sometimes. Learning to lean on people is hard. Especially in this aspect of life. It's easy to let them cook dinner if I'm sick....but to do this is way different. As I was driving back to church for the third time today, I cried. I finally admitted that I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. That I need those hugs. Those tender tsk tsks. I know, it sounds lame, but I do. I need to be heard and loved. Held and prayed for.
And, I had to acknowledge that my husband stole something from me that I hadn't put to words. The ability to go and worship as I once did. Freely. Elatedly. Peacefully. Wholly. Hard to do when there is such a rift. Sitting elsewhere helps. However, it creates questions from people.
I got the how are you question a lot today. A lot of, "I haven't seen you around." One, we have to get together soon.....go ahead and translate that into "I need to know what's going on." But, I also got something very precious. A woman who used to be very close to my family. Who I tried to talk to over a year ago. Just a bit. She hasn't spoken to me since. But, today she came up and not only initiated, but acknowledged that she hadn't been around. And that she knew that I must be going through a hard time. that was....kind. And another thing happened. Someone gave me the kind of hug that makes you feel like someone else is helping to hold the world together. You know the kind? Not the pat pat pat, isn't that nice, aren't you sweet whatever else kind of hug....no, the real deal. What she hadn't known is that I had found myself sitting behind her during second service, and during the meet and greet I had thought, I could sure use a hug, however, I was on my way out since I had already been to the sermon. But, I got out of my pew, walked all the way around and stood by her pew waiting to say hi. She is popular and well loved. She was busy with a woman in front of her. Giving her full, kind attention. Love that. So, I headed out and figured that I would catch her another time. When I came back to get my daughter, she was in the entry way. She asked me how I was. I totally laughed. Later, she is the one who gave me the hug and told me that she prays for me. Tears, even now. I'm not sure that there's really been anyone since my grandpa and my friend's dad that pray for me somewhat regularly. My friend's dad prayed for me by name every day. His death and my grandfather's hit me hard because of that gift being gone.
So, today I learned that my need goes deeper than I give validity to. But, I learned that God has already provided enough love and support to meet me and sustain me as I begin this journey of learning once again to seek out what should have remained a part of my life all of these years. Harder to start over, but not impossible.
If you are hurting and alone, I'm really sorry. I know how it hurt. I know how you can stand in the middle of a huge crowd and feel more alone than you do when you are actually alone in a room. Don't give up. Keep doing what little bits you can to reach out and let others help and comfort you. Can't say that some won't be meanie heads....if they are, just move along to someone else. Be a good friend. And allow people to be a good friend to you. And, I'm praying for you.
grace to you.
Girlfriends
It's time for me to plan a time with my girlfriends who have been there for many years. Time to go away and have a night or a weekend to play and talk. It's time for me to tell them the truth. Maybe. I think so. To not remain in hiding. To give them the chance to have their say. Oh, I don't mean everything. I just mean where I am and such. Not all of the gory details.
I need my friends. Really need them. In my heart and soul. I need them to be beside me even if they don't agree or understand. Church was hard today. A friend was "prying", trying to figure out what has been up. Has been pushing me to go out to coffee or breakfast. I told her we could go but that I still wouldn't be able to talk about what she was hoping to find out.
Today was a good day anyway. Kinda. Kinda teary.
Saw the girl play the sing on worship team. Beautiful. Twice. I went to TWO services. I was brave.
grace to you.
I need my friends. Really need them. In my heart and soul. I need them to be beside me even if they don't agree or understand. Church was hard today. A friend was "prying", trying to figure out what has been up. Has been pushing me to go out to coffee or breakfast. I told her we could go but that I still wouldn't be able to talk about what she was hoping to find out.
Today was a good day anyway. Kinda. Kinda teary.
Saw the girl play the sing on worship team. Beautiful. Twice. I went to TWO services. I was brave.
grace to you.
In Christ Alone
Have loved that song for a long time. But today, I nearly laughed outloud...not my usual response. Something about the phrase, "no power of hell, no scheme of man can ever snatch my from Your hand." Scheme of man. I have been told that I'm not worthy. That I am sinful. Go figure. I already knew that. But, this person...who shares being human and not God.....seems to think that if I were more like him then I would stand a better chance with God. No scheme of man can snatch me from His hand. Any man.
I need to stand in Christ Alone. I think the plan came to me. That's a blessing.
grace to you.
I need to stand in Christ Alone. I think the plan came to me. That's a blessing.
grace to you.
Needs
If I keep my heart and eyes open, my needs can be met in ways that I least expect. I do not require much. But, I do require some.
I am working at looking forward to today. I used to love sunday. Absolutely. Incredibly. Over the years I began to have a pit in my stomach. Literally.
But I can choose different. Mindset. Perspective. MY choice.
This morning I got a heart need met. Didn't have to try hard. Just happened. One breath at a time.
grace to you.
I am working at looking forward to today. I used to love sunday. Absolutely. Incredibly. Over the years I began to have a pit in my stomach. Literally.
But I can choose different. Mindset. Perspective. MY choice.
This morning I got a heart need met. Didn't have to try hard. Just happened. One breath at a time.
grace to you.
Morning. Night.
I am becoming like those animals that adapt by only being up and around in the early morning and late night in order to avoid predators. I know how they feel. It feels a lot nicer to be up when you feel safe. Comfortable. Ok. Not like you will be in trouble in a minute.
I don't like it, but it is a way to cope.
Daughter had a friend over to spend the night last night. I had to stay up late anyway.....to not freak out the friend that I don't sleep in my room.
I find myself trying to step away from conflict more and more. Like I had a lifetime of it already and don't need anymore. I'm not wimpy, just self preserving. And, unwilling to make life more uncomfortable than it need be.
I've also been escaping into tv shows...some of that was just being sick. But, another part is that it diverts my attention while I wait for the uncomfortable time to pass......i.e. wait for him to go to bed.
It's not working great for me. There are things I want that these behaviors do not fulfill. But, there are things that I don't want that these behaviors do accomplish.
He works today. HALLELUJAH! I mean that respectfully and thankfully. It was such a relief to hear.
I wish my friends would still come over. But it doesn't happen. I knew that by speaking I"d make people uncomfortable. Now I have to live with the consequences. I guess it's worth it. But, in some ways it was easier when people were in the dark. At least it doesn't cause them unnecessary discomfort. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to want to get it to be about me for a minute. In my mind. Not in others. To admit what I actually long for. I know it. I know how I need friendship and connection. Empathy. Kindness. But.....asking for it when I need it. I've spent over 20 years trying to get what I need. Giving what he needed. Talking. Holding a high standard. Believing he could be better. Working hard. I guess that I'm just too tired to do it with anyone anymore. It's not fair, but either they get it or they don't. Either they are there or they're not. I don't have the stamina nor courage nor emotional willingness to put it all out there....knowing that the guy who was supposedly in love with me didn't give a a rip. So, why should they?
Yet, they do. There are people in my life who totally do. Though I can't work at it. Though I am a mess. I see them. I fear driving them away. I fear that they will stay and my garbage will hurt them. But, little by little...I'm letting that love, that friendship.......cast out the fear. Love wins. I believe it. Gee....guess that's why I worked so hard. I really believed it.
Now I just wish he'd really go live with his mama. Can't say why that is such a satisfying thought. Well, maybe I can, but not right this moment.
grace to you.
I don't like it, but it is a way to cope.
Daughter had a friend over to spend the night last night. I had to stay up late anyway.....to not freak out the friend that I don't sleep in my room.
I find myself trying to step away from conflict more and more. Like I had a lifetime of it already and don't need anymore. I'm not wimpy, just self preserving. And, unwilling to make life more uncomfortable than it need be.
I've also been escaping into tv shows...some of that was just being sick. But, another part is that it diverts my attention while I wait for the uncomfortable time to pass......i.e. wait for him to go to bed.
It's not working great for me. There are things I want that these behaviors do not fulfill. But, there are things that I don't want that these behaviors do accomplish.
He works today. HALLELUJAH! I mean that respectfully and thankfully. It was such a relief to hear.
I wish my friends would still come over. But it doesn't happen. I knew that by speaking I"d make people uncomfortable. Now I have to live with the consequences. I guess it's worth it. But, in some ways it was easier when people were in the dark. At least it doesn't cause them unnecessary discomfort. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to want to get it to be about me for a minute. In my mind. Not in others. To admit what I actually long for. I know it. I know how I need friendship and connection. Empathy. Kindness. But.....asking for it when I need it. I've spent over 20 years trying to get what I need. Giving what he needed. Talking. Holding a high standard. Believing he could be better. Working hard. I guess that I'm just too tired to do it with anyone anymore. It's not fair, but either they get it or they don't. Either they are there or they're not. I don't have the stamina nor courage nor emotional willingness to put it all out there....knowing that the guy who was supposedly in love with me didn't give a a rip. So, why should they?
Yet, they do. There are people in my life who totally do. Though I can't work at it. Though I am a mess. I see them. I fear driving them away. I fear that they will stay and my garbage will hurt them. But, little by little...I'm letting that love, that friendship.......cast out the fear. Love wins. I believe it. Gee....guess that's why I worked so hard. I really believed it.
Now I just wish he'd really go live with his mama. Can't say why that is such a satisfying thought. Well, maybe I can, but not right this moment.
grace to you.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
When Alone
I am trying to find the way to share. But trying to find the way to remain silent. Trying. Not very successfully. I sometimes think that I can talk. But, I find that it's too hard. Too hard to do so. Not knowing how or what is ok to say. Not knowing how it will be received. Not wanting to share things that make others uncomfortable. Yet, today, when the confusion and pain and reopening of wounds occurred...I wanted to share. I wanted to open my heart. But, I found it impossible. Perhaps I have lost the way? I am not sure. I know that working on a good project helped my soul, but my concern is for my future. Have I lost the ability, the privilege, the place to share what is real and deep and painful in my life? Will it return? I am not sure. Maybe it is simply selfish. Maybe.....maybe so many things.
All I know is that when alone the only thing to do to keep on breathing. Keep on hoping. And try to get over the feeling that it all could have been so different. What happened to me? And why? I keep wondering....what is wrong with me that he would continue such behavior? I know that I should be asking what is wrong with him...but, I have a hard time.
So, today was good. And hard. Painful. And fulfilling. Life is strange. Life is......full.
grace to you.
All I know is that when alone the only thing to do to keep on breathing. Keep on hoping. And try to get over the feeling that it all could have been so different. What happened to me? And why? I keep wondering....what is wrong with me that he would continue such behavior? I know that I should be asking what is wrong with him...but, I have a hard time.
So, today was good. And hard. Painful. And fulfilling. Life is strange. Life is......full.
grace to you.
All By Myself
I put frames together....ALL BY MYSELF!!! I know, it doesn't seem like a great accomplishment, but it really was. It was really hard. Lacking a flat surface and a framing bracket added to the intensity of the challenge. But I persisted. About 6 or so hours for nine frames. Ok, so I'll never get rich doing it, but it was..........satisfying. Deeply so. Time in the garage. Time to just listen. Time to work. Time to smile. Time. Did you get the theme?
And while most people might not be thrilled to do something all by themselves, I was incredibly thrilled. Exuberant. Now, they are almost done with their final drying. I hope that they get wonderful homes. That they are well loved. I hope that they frame the art well. Mostly, I hope that someday I'll get to do it again. It was good.
Life is an amazing even on the hard days.
grace to you.
And while most people might not be thrilled to do something all by themselves, I was incredibly thrilled. Exuberant. Now, they are almost done with their final drying. I hope that they get wonderful homes. That they are well loved. I hope that they frame the art well. Mostly, I hope that someday I'll get to do it again. It was good.
Life is an amazing even on the hard days.
grace to you.
Being Useful
Sometimes the best thing to do on a really really hard day is to find a way to be useful. Today I am angry AND hurt. Usually I go one way or the other. BLAH. (*^l$#^**(*^%$#@$%%^^^%$#*^@^%*&^%$!
However, on the upside, I am learning a new skill. Trying to build frames. I'm not pro...but, it's satisfying to get better as I "learn". I am amarter than I give myself credit for. And today it was really hard to get started on it and feel competent. But, here I sit awaiting a step to dry. In the quiet, windy, cool garage. It's getting ready to rain. The air is crisp and wonderful.
Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong to desire to be really loved.....not just committed to. Why do I feel so guilty about longing for that? For being put off by him "trying". Wish he'd go on his way and move home to his mama. hahahahahhaahaha. Sorry, that made me totally laugh. She would be so happy. Get to take care of her baby. Help him heal from that mean, incompetent woman he married. Funny, I didn't used to be.....must be catching.
Back to useful...useful boosts the self esteem. It gets good stuff going in the brain. It makes the body be up and doing rather than lounging and giving up. Sometimes, it even puts me in an environment to get encouraged. Not always. Sometimes, I have to learn to encourage myself. Kind of like when my babies had to learn to "self comfort" in the middle of the night.....of course, I usually had a hard time with letting them. I loved holding their sweet little bodies up next to mine. But, I tried because I knew that it was good for their futures.....a skill to learn. But, not that you always have to comfort yourself. Sometimes it's best to let others. Part of growing up is learning which is which.
Back to this pleasant work in the garage. Listening to the rain fall now. I LOVE rain. It's beautiful. It's refreshing. It's cleansing. It's the same feeling as having a good cry. Minus the puffy eyes and snotty nose.
grace to you.
However, on the upside, I am learning a new skill. Trying to build frames. I'm not pro...but, it's satisfying to get better as I "learn". I am amarter than I give myself credit for. And today it was really hard to get started on it and feel competent. But, here I sit awaiting a step to dry. In the quiet, windy, cool garage. It's getting ready to rain. The air is crisp and wonderful.
Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong to desire to be really loved.....not just committed to. Why do I feel so guilty about longing for that? For being put off by him "trying". Wish he'd go on his way and move home to his mama. hahahahahhaahaha. Sorry, that made me totally laugh. She would be so happy. Get to take care of her baby. Help him heal from that mean, incompetent woman he married. Funny, I didn't used to be.....must be catching.
Back to useful...useful boosts the self esteem. It gets good stuff going in the brain. It makes the body be up and doing rather than lounging and giving up. Sometimes, it even puts me in an environment to get encouraged. Not always. Sometimes, I have to learn to encourage myself. Kind of like when my babies had to learn to "self comfort" in the middle of the night.....of course, I usually had a hard time with letting them. I loved holding their sweet little bodies up next to mine. But, I tried because I knew that it was good for their futures.....a skill to learn. But, not that you always have to comfort yourself. Sometimes it's best to let others. Part of growing up is learning which is which.
Back to this pleasant work in the garage. Listening to the rain fall now. I LOVE rain. It's beautiful. It's refreshing. It's cleansing. It's the same feeling as having a good cry. Minus the puffy eyes and snotty nose.
grace to you.
Blech
So, the "when do you get paid?" What will you make? It has all started first thing this morning. Drives me crazy. Seriously He must not care how much he hurts me. Does it all of the time. Then it was, "well, I guess that I need to take the van in for an oil change unless you could be sure to take it in next week..." I said, "I don't need the van today." But, I feel badly because he is making the two kids who wanted to simply go to the bank walk from the oil place to the bank and back.....all they wanted was to get out and deposit money. I knew that I should have taken them.
I avoid his pursuing getting the cash from my account. Diligently. So that I can use it for the kids. For getting the "other" things.
Do you know that I can count the times in twenty years that I have bought makeup? Or perfume? Or hair barrettes? Do you know how hard it is to have such simple things be made so difficult? I just don't ask anymore. And yet, he sometimes notices and asks, "where did you get that?" I just don't know how much more of it I can deal with. I keep trying to think the best about him, but I need to remember how easily I was fooled. I bought the good guy routine.
Guess I better get a better job or work more or something. I need to pay off getting my two boys started. I need to start a savings. And I need to visit my kid. Somehow it always works out. I'm not worried about this aspect. I am simply trying to make it as easy on him as possible. Because I am not going to spend my life listening to how I needed his money.
Need sanity break!
grace to you.
I avoid his pursuing getting the cash from my account. Diligently. So that I can use it for the kids. For getting the "other" things.
Do you know that I can count the times in twenty years that I have bought makeup? Or perfume? Or hair barrettes? Do you know how hard it is to have such simple things be made so difficult? I just don't ask anymore. And yet, he sometimes notices and asks, "where did you get that?" I just don't know how much more of it I can deal with. I keep trying to think the best about him, but I need to remember how easily I was fooled. I bought the good guy routine.
Guess I better get a better job or work more or something. I need to pay off getting my two boys started. I need to start a savings. And I need to visit my kid. Somehow it always works out. I'm not worried about this aspect. I am simply trying to make it as easy on him as possible. Because I am not going to spend my life listening to how I needed his money.
Need sanity break!
grace to you.
I am Thankful
for
doggies
walks
warm drinks
hot bread
saag
smiles
laughter
wiggly kids
sunshine
clouds
rain
snow
trees with leaves
naked trees
candles
beaches
sand
rock collecting
shell collecting
birds singing
blue skies
trips
soft pillows
cozy blankets
wise friends
crazy friends
staying friends
words
pictures
seeing
hearing
singing
praise
worship
challenges
I am thankful. I am blessed.
grace to you
doggies
walks
warm drinks
hot bread
saag
smiles
laughter
wiggly kids
sunshine
clouds
rain
snow
trees with leaves
naked trees
candles
beaches
sand
rock collecting
shell collecting
birds singing
blue skies
trips
soft pillows
cozy blankets
wise friends
crazy friends
staying friends
words
pictures
seeing
hearing
singing
praise
worship
challenges
I am thankful. I am blessed.
grace to you
Today and Tomorrow
Tomorrow he has to work. Today, I have to survive. I will figure out how. It gets a little easier. Yet, still not comfortable. Hard to feel valuable when hiding out in my own house trying to be invisible. Ha. But, at least he has to work tomorrow. Will give time to breathe.
The World Doesn't Stop
You know, it's true that some things happen that make it feel like the world should stop turning. People hurt me. Give me sleepless nights. Or, pain invades. Or, disease. Death comes and steals what comfort I had found in people around me. And yet, the world keeps on going. Keeps on rotating. Keeps on creating new trees and flowers and calves and kittens. And, that used to seem so unfair. So, disrespectful. It was as if it seemed like everything should stop in a moment of silence to observe my pain. Now, I see it differently.
The fact that God set it up to keep on going is comforting. New flowers are gifts every day. New kittens. New babies. New sunrises. New sunsets. New rainstorms. New relationships. New songs. New movies. New stories. Each moment is full of gifts. Full of reminders of how great His love is for me. And, I think, really at the core, it's His reminder to me that He makes ALL things new.....even me. He doesn't simply pick me up dust me off. He makes me new. And He has to remind me of that because in that knowledge is hope. Abiding hope. I love the word "abide". I was very young when I first learned it. My heart, Christ's Home.........it talks about Christ abiding...moving in and settling down. Cleaning up, cleaning out, resting, relaxing. Not just coming for an occasional visit. Abiding. And what is really great is that in the midst of all of my troubles and hurts, victories and celebrations, He offers the same thing to me....to abide in Him. In His love, rest, peace, truth, joy, patience, gentleness. He offers it with the rent already paid. All I have to do is move in.
The world doesn't stop. Sometimes the storms feel like hurricanes. Other times, they feel refreshing and purifying. The world doesn't stop because I can't stop. This is a journey. I have to wake up and walk along, drive alone, travel along....to find out what purpose there is for me. Each day. Each moment. Because every breath is a gift. Not talking about busyness. Sometimes the purpose of my day is to hide out and recover. Other it is to climb to the heights. Still others, it's to soar up high. Each day holds new possibility. Nothing is ever exactly the same again. I know that is why He keeps all things running on schedule....so that I remember that I also am part of His plan. With a purpose. And, maybe with a bit of hope for others occasionally too. Even when life is downright painful.
grace to you.
The fact that God set it up to keep on going is comforting. New flowers are gifts every day. New kittens. New babies. New sunrises. New sunsets. New rainstorms. New relationships. New songs. New movies. New stories. Each moment is full of gifts. Full of reminders of how great His love is for me. And, I think, really at the core, it's His reminder to me that He makes ALL things new.....even me. He doesn't simply pick me up dust me off. He makes me new. And He has to remind me of that because in that knowledge is hope. Abiding hope. I love the word "abide". I was very young when I first learned it. My heart, Christ's Home.........it talks about Christ abiding...moving in and settling down. Cleaning up, cleaning out, resting, relaxing. Not just coming for an occasional visit. Abiding. And what is really great is that in the midst of all of my troubles and hurts, victories and celebrations, He offers the same thing to me....to abide in Him. In His love, rest, peace, truth, joy, patience, gentleness. He offers it with the rent already paid. All I have to do is move in.
The world doesn't stop. Sometimes the storms feel like hurricanes. Other times, they feel refreshing and purifying. The world doesn't stop because I can't stop. This is a journey. I have to wake up and walk along, drive alone, travel along....to find out what purpose there is for me. Each day. Each moment. Because every breath is a gift. Not talking about busyness. Sometimes the purpose of my day is to hide out and recover. Other it is to climb to the heights. Still others, it's to soar up high. Each day holds new possibility. Nothing is ever exactly the same again. I know that is why He keeps all things running on schedule....so that I remember that I also am part of His plan. With a purpose. And, maybe with a bit of hope for others occasionally too. Even when life is downright painful.
grace to you.
Friday, September 16, 2011
The Best Part
The kids. Totally the best part. On their good days. And their worst days. No matter how they are. They are the pride and joy of my life. I am so proud of them. Of how they live. Sometimes they live for God. Sometimes they struggle. Sometimes they nail it. Other times, they are completely without direction. They are amazing. They are wonderful, growing, smart, creative, dreaming, kind, crazy, weird, loving, worrying, committed people. I adore them. Every day. They are mine. Good and bad and all. Mistakes. Victories. They are the best parts of my marriage. He has missed out on that kind of overwhelming love. I feel sorry for him. It is intense and huge and consuming....and beautiful.
If a son asks his father for a piece of bread will he give him a snake? No, he won't, but he won't give them something good. He will offer them the cheapest thing he can. Sad for him. They got old enough to notice.
grace to you.
If a son asks his father for a piece of bread will he give him a snake? No, he won't, but he won't give them something good. He will offer them the cheapest thing he can. Sad for him. They got old enough to notice.
grace to you.
Fog
The fog had rolled in during the night. I awoke to a world blanketed in gray. But, the light had come. It was time to arise and brave it to take the kids to school. The talk about the fog was intriguing. How it was denser in parts. How we had to slow down, be cautious, but not stop. Not to stop in the middle of the road because you would get hit from behind. Then, gloriously, as we entered the foothills town where there school is, the sun was shining brightly. And we got to talk about how the sun is always there...even when we can't see it for a time.
I feel like my life got caught in a fog. But the Son was still shining. Still there, awaiting the time when I would come out of the fog and into the bright shining sun again.
It's easy to get overwhelmed by fog. By circumstances. It's easy to stop. To think that the risk is too great. But, really, it's not. It's just as great a risk, and perhaps more, to stop where you are. You can be hit from behind. Injured. Unexpectedly. All because you fear moving forward due to lack of visibility. Just as surely as that sunshine awaited me this morning...and even moreso....there is sunshine on the other side of emotional and relational fogs. It is there. And sometimes we just need someone to remind us how bright the sun is. How beautiful. How fresh.
This is that reminder. For you. For me.
grace to you.
I feel like my life got caught in a fog. But the Son was still shining. Still there, awaiting the time when I would come out of the fog and into the bright shining sun again.
It's easy to get overwhelmed by fog. By circumstances. It's easy to stop. To think that the risk is too great. But, really, it's not. It's just as great a risk, and perhaps more, to stop where you are. You can be hit from behind. Injured. Unexpectedly. All because you fear moving forward due to lack of visibility. Just as surely as that sunshine awaited me this morning...and even moreso....there is sunshine on the other side of emotional and relational fogs. It is there. And sometimes we just need someone to remind us how bright the sun is. How beautiful. How fresh.
This is that reminder. For you. For me.
grace to you.
Getting Older
I am happy to be getting older. And, I am disappointed. Not that I didn't teach all of those years. Not that I stayed home with my kids. Not that I got married. Not that I am aging. I am disappointed because I forgot the most important lessons that I learned when I was a child. I forgot to take care of myself. To be safe. I had to learn that so young. I would have thought that it would be second nature. But, I worked hard in my life to truly grow and learn and to trust. I worked on trusting God...and I found Him trustworthy, so I was more able to trust. I never really looked at Him as a father figure back then...father figures only work when your own father was caring and there for you. But, I viewed Him as the One who cared for me. That would always be there.
I am disappointed that I forgot the basic rule of loving myself. I am learning again. But, I still struggle. Because I am older, there are some places that won't hire me. Some people who view me as too old. I spent so much time living for someone else. I should have seen it.
I'm getting older. I like older. Helps me to see more clearly, ironically. As my physical vision goes, my life vision grows. It's a good thing.
grace to you.
I am disappointed that I forgot the basic rule of loving myself. I am learning again. But, I still struggle. Because I am older, there are some places that won't hire me. Some people who view me as too old. I spent so much time living for someone else. I should have seen it.
I'm getting older. I like older. Helps me to see more clearly, ironically. As my physical vision goes, my life vision grows. It's a good thing.
grace to you.
Wisdom of the Tube
"I assure you that if I knew how to convey how I feel, I would. It seems to make other people's lives much easier," Dr. Constance Brennan from Bones.
I relate to this. If I could convey to those around me the depth and breadth of my caring, I would. It does make others' lives easier. I see it.
But, don't think that I walk without relationship. I do not. Because though I do not know excel expressing my care. Though many often assume that I am callous. I am surrounded by those kind and glorious souls who look deeper. Who help to put words to my feelings. The friends who put meaning to my actions and thoughts without assuming that I am unkind, callous or mean.
Because of having this in my life, it made me try to do the same for my husband. It's a kind action. It helps. Unless the underlying good intention is not there. And it was very hard for me to come to the point of realizing that. That for him, it's good to be stingy. To hold back. To hold things over others. To him, it's not about not being able to express something deeper or kinder....it's about not having something more to say or show. That hit me like a fast pitch softball. With the same amount of surprise too. When he told me that he DOES think he's better, I realized that all of the trying to help express his love and care for me and the children doesn't work when he simply really loves himself and it committed to us as an example of how good he is. It's only a little piece of the whole big picture, but this little piece offers me insight and peace. That I am not giving up on him, I'm giving myself a chance.
Sometimes you get the greatest insight from the strangest places.
grace to you.
I relate to this. If I could convey to those around me the depth and breadth of my caring, I would. It does make others' lives easier. I see it.
But, don't think that I walk without relationship. I do not. Because though I do not know excel expressing my care. Though many often assume that I am callous. I am surrounded by those kind and glorious souls who look deeper. Who help to put words to my feelings. The friends who put meaning to my actions and thoughts without assuming that I am unkind, callous or mean.
Because of having this in my life, it made me try to do the same for my husband. It's a kind action. It helps. Unless the underlying good intention is not there. And it was very hard for me to come to the point of realizing that. That for him, it's good to be stingy. To hold back. To hold things over others. To him, it's not about not being able to express something deeper or kinder....it's about not having something more to say or show. That hit me like a fast pitch softball. With the same amount of surprise too. When he told me that he DOES think he's better, I realized that all of the trying to help express his love and care for me and the children doesn't work when he simply really loves himself and it committed to us as an example of how good he is. It's only a little piece of the whole big picture, but this little piece offers me insight and peace. That I am not giving up on him, I'm giving myself a chance.
Sometimes you get the greatest insight from the strangest places.
grace to you.
Journey
Life is called a journey for a reason. We are supposed to be moving, moving on, going someplace, headed in a direction. Sometimes we stop for refreshment. Sometimes we stop because we are afraid of the terrain that lies ahead. Or, sometimes we are sick or simply too tired to travel on. Sometimes we find something of interest that stops us in our tracks to enjoy the beauty. But, overall, we are to be moving on. Toward who we are becoming. Toward completing purposes that are unique to each of us. A journey isn't staying at the rest stop forever. I mean, who wants to live at the highway rest stop? The rest stop provides a marvelous service, but it is not the goal. A journey isn't hunkering down and living at the gas station/convenience store. Gassing up is important. While that is a crucial part of a journey, stopping there would mean accepting something so much less than the REAL journey. What's the point of getting gas or filling yourself up if you're not going anywhere? A journey isn't living in the airport terminal. Though the people watching can be nice, watching others go to and return from places should not be enough to sustain us. We must be going on ourselves.
But, in our journey in life, sometimes we stop and forget to get moving again. Unforgiveness is a big reason for stopping. Blaming someone for taking away potential or what might have been. Fear is another huge one. We don't know what lies ahead and instead of risking, we pull up the blanket and let the days go by. Depression is a sure way to quit traveling on the journey. It says, "I can't....." until eventually, I won't.
Everyone needs to stop for gas, get some food, enjoy the beauty, go in the airport......everyone needs to get built up, cherish the moments, and watch the people....but, it can't stop the journey. The journey is meant to be taken one day at a time. One moment at a time. With faith that there will be enough places along the way to sustain us. God goes before us. Provides a way.
And even when we are exiting a bad marriage and all of the people around us seem to be saying how wrong or evil we are.....we aren't responsible to get them going on their journey. We are responsible for continuing on ours.
Remember when Jesus said to the disciples that if someone didn't welcome them they should shake the dirt off their sandals and keep on going? Well, I think that is a picture of the journey. Of forgiveness actually....forgive it, let it go and get moving. You have places to go and lives to touch. Things to learn and adventures to be had. Don't waste the journey wailing about how the one house didn't receive you. MOVE ON.
I'm learning. A bit at a time. Now...for some more moving on.
grace to you.
But, in our journey in life, sometimes we stop and forget to get moving again. Unforgiveness is a big reason for stopping. Blaming someone for taking away potential or what might have been. Fear is another huge one. We don't know what lies ahead and instead of risking, we pull up the blanket and let the days go by. Depression is a sure way to quit traveling on the journey. It says, "I can't....." until eventually, I won't.
Everyone needs to stop for gas, get some food, enjoy the beauty, go in the airport......everyone needs to get built up, cherish the moments, and watch the people....but, it can't stop the journey. The journey is meant to be taken one day at a time. One moment at a time. With faith that there will be enough places along the way to sustain us. God goes before us. Provides a way.
And even when we are exiting a bad marriage and all of the people around us seem to be saying how wrong or evil we are.....we aren't responsible to get them going on their journey. We are responsible for continuing on ours.
Remember when Jesus said to the disciples that if someone didn't welcome them they should shake the dirt off their sandals and keep on going? Well, I think that is a picture of the journey. Of forgiveness actually....forgive it, let it go and get moving. You have places to go and lives to touch. Things to learn and adventures to be had. Don't waste the journey wailing about how the one house didn't receive you. MOVE ON.
I'm learning. A bit at a time. Now...for some more moving on.
grace to you.
I Need To Learn To Forgive
I have read a lot of books about learning to forgive. Watched some online videos. I have taken a couple of classes. From early on in my life, I knew that in order to be healthy, I had to learn to forgive the people from my past. That for my own life to move on, I had to let their harm toward me, whether intentional or unintentional, be forgiven. I didn't have to excuse it. Seems like most people think that forgiving is excusing behavior...making it alright or not someone's responsibility. But that is not what I mean or believe. I mean actually forgiving the incident caused by another...and acknowledging that they did cause it, whether they ever acknowledge it or not. I do mean finding the grace to realize that they were probably doing the best that they could at the time...but that no matter the facts, they still hurt me. I mean choosing to go on with life rather than getting stuck in that place where everything changed.
And, I've had quite a bit of practice. A grandfather that was amazingly cruel. A father who abandoned me. A step mother who gave up on me. A mom who died....I know, it's weird to have to forgive that, but it really was necessary. A friend who completely betrayed me and continues to do so to this day. A grandmother who never got over the fact that I wasn't going to replace my mother who died. And, many other minor glitches along the way. And, with great truthfulness I can say that I have forgiven these people. Not that I don't have to forgive again and again as time goes by...as the hurt rises up again. But I forgave and kept walking. I didn't get stuck in that place in life.
And, now, in my marriage, I have struggled to forgive. To actually believe my own forgiveness. And you might be thinking, "you forgave all of those others, why not him?" But, what I have come to realize is that I have forgiven him. I am having trouble forgiving me. Forgiving myself for finally giving up. For not being enough. For feeling less than christian. So, it comes that I blog here about what he has done and is doing to remind myself. So that I will see that a wrong was actually committed.....and in that knowledge, maybe I will be able to forgive myself for the path that I have chosen. Because it doesn't really matter if others forgive me for it. It matters that I can forgive myself. There are not many classes on that. But it is perhaps even more important than forgiving others. Because self hate and depression and inaction stem from not forgiving myself. Just as not forgiving another gets me "stuck"...not forgiving myself reaps a harvest of other problems.
So, I have been on a quest of learning to forgive myself. For, it is part of healing. He may not forgive me. Ever. But, I have to forgive me. Others may not forgive me. But I have to forgive me. The thing is....Jesus already forgave me. I need to follow His example. I don't believe in cheap grace. I also don't believe in bought grace. It's a fine line in the middle. It means living real. Not pretend. And forgiving myself when I can't make the wrongs of the world....or my marriage...right.
I need to learn to forgive......myself.
grace to you.
And, I've had quite a bit of practice. A grandfather that was amazingly cruel. A father who abandoned me. A step mother who gave up on me. A mom who died....I know, it's weird to have to forgive that, but it really was necessary. A friend who completely betrayed me and continues to do so to this day. A grandmother who never got over the fact that I wasn't going to replace my mother who died. And, many other minor glitches along the way. And, with great truthfulness I can say that I have forgiven these people. Not that I don't have to forgive again and again as time goes by...as the hurt rises up again. But I forgave and kept walking. I didn't get stuck in that place in life.
And, now, in my marriage, I have struggled to forgive. To actually believe my own forgiveness. And you might be thinking, "you forgave all of those others, why not him?" But, what I have come to realize is that I have forgiven him. I am having trouble forgiving me. Forgiving myself for finally giving up. For not being enough. For feeling less than christian. So, it comes that I blog here about what he has done and is doing to remind myself. So that I will see that a wrong was actually committed.....and in that knowledge, maybe I will be able to forgive myself for the path that I have chosen. Because it doesn't really matter if others forgive me for it. It matters that I can forgive myself. There are not many classes on that. But it is perhaps even more important than forgiving others. Because self hate and depression and inaction stem from not forgiving myself. Just as not forgiving another gets me "stuck"...not forgiving myself reaps a harvest of other problems.
So, I have been on a quest of learning to forgive myself. For, it is part of healing. He may not forgive me. Ever. But, I have to forgive me. Others may not forgive me. But I have to forgive me. The thing is....Jesus already forgave me. I need to follow His example. I don't believe in cheap grace. I also don't believe in bought grace. It's a fine line in the middle. It means living real. Not pretend. And forgiving myself when I can't make the wrongs of the world....or my marriage...right.
I need to learn to forgive......myself.
grace to you.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Notice to All Meanie Heads
See, this time I didn't put butt heads! That's what I meant....ok.
Notice to all meanie heads:
Due to having found my own life and having taken responsibility for my own choices, decisions, successes and failures, I will no longer being needing your input into my life. You may cease feeling a need to feel any responsibility for making me understand all of the things that are my responsibility. I got it. And...strangely, I'm ok with it. I can be wrong. I can be mistaken. I can make mistakes. Heck, I can even downright, outright fail. I'm ok with that. I can be without a clue. I can totally mess up. I can walk down the wrong road. I can figure it out. I understand fully and completely that I am not perfect. That I am not even close. And I don't need your help with that. Nor do I need your help to explain how ludicrous or far fetched my dreams are. I don't need you to talk to the community at large about my sins, troubles, discouragements, failures, or...particularly...lies about me. But, if you do. Oh well. I am still responsible for how I live. You have no control in my life. Because I have taken away your power. And I didn't have to lift a finger against you. I simply close you out of my decision making, emotions, and particularly out of people that I think of as friends. Because, if you want to spend so much time being a meanie head to me....really, why should I consider you a friend? Really? How are you different than an enemy? Because I was nice to YOU. Hate to burst your bubble, but friendship, relationships....they are not all take. And they are especially not all take while you walk around all puffed up acting like you are doing me a favor.
I don't need that kind of favor. While I might struggle with it at the moment, I am worth so much more than that. Simply because I was created with a purpose. And I am going to find the purposes for my life. And whether it be to have great successes or great struggles, I am going to enjoy every last one. Fully. Breathing and knowing that I am cherished by my Author. Yep, He's an author. I was created in His image. Wrote a great book, He did. Been around quite a long time on the best sellers lists. I think I'm going to walk in my Father's footsteps. I'm going to leave this rabbit trail you have been on....heading nowhere and acting like I am uninformed and irresponsible. The greatest thing in the world to waste isn't energy. Nor heat. Nor money. Nor gas. Nor time. The greatest thing to waste is the potential given to us in the gifts bestowed.....by always being afraid. You are always afraid. Meanie heads have that in common. Afraid of being found out. Afraid of not being as good. Or as popular. Afraid of everything. Well, I'm not afraid to fail. Done it. It's just fine. And, it makes the victories taste even better.
So, pack your bags and leave my head. I don't need any meanie head voices telling me what to do. Have a great trip. Enjoy your own company.
grace to you.
Notice to all meanie heads:
Due to having found my own life and having taken responsibility for my own choices, decisions, successes and failures, I will no longer being needing your input into my life. You may cease feeling a need to feel any responsibility for making me understand all of the things that are my responsibility. I got it. And...strangely, I'm ok with it. I can be wrong. I can be mistaken. I can make mistakes. Heck, I can even downright, outright fail. I'm ok with that. I can be without a clue. I can totally mess up. I can walk down the wrong road. I can figure it out. I understand fully and completely that I am not perfect. That I am not even close. And I don't need your help with that. Nor do I need your help to explain how ludicrous or far fetched my dreams are. I don't need you to talk to the community at large about my sins, troubles, discouragements, failures, or...particularly...lies about me. But, if you do. Oh well. I am still responsible for how I live. You have no control in my life. Because I have taken away your power. And I didn't have to lift a finger against you. I simply close you out of my decision making, emotions, and particularly out of people that I think of as friends. Because, if you want to spend so much time being a meanie head to me....really, why should I consider you a friend? Really? How are you different than an enemy? Because I was nice to YOU. Hate to burst your bubble, but friendship, relationships....they are not all take. And they are especially not all take while you walk around all puffed up acting like you are doing me a favor.
I don't need that kind of favor. While I might struggle with it at the moment, I am worth so much more than that. Simply because I was created with a purpose. And I am going to find the purposes for my life. And whether it be to have great successes or great struggles, I am going to enjoy every last one. Fully. Breathing and knowing that I am cherished by my Author. Yep, He's an author. I was created in His image. Wrote a great book, He did. Been around quite a long time on the best sellers lists. I think I'm going to walk in my Father's footsteps. I'm going to leave this rabbit trail you have been on....heading nowhere and acting like I am uninformed and irresponsible. The greatest thing in the world to waste isn't energy. Nor heat. Nor money. Nor gas. Nor time. The greatest thing to waste is the potential given to us in the gifts bestowed.....by always being afraid. You are always afraid. Meanie heads have that in common. Afraid of being found out. Afraid of not being as good. Or as popular. Afraid of everything. Well, I'm not afraid to fail. Done it. It's just fine. And, it makes the victories taste even better.
So, pack your bags and leave my head. I don't need any meanie head voices telling me what to do. Have a great trip. Enjoy your own company.
grace to you.
Responsibility
Tonight I realized that i don't so much want to blame my husband as I want for him to find a way to take responsibility for how he has hurt me. Humiliated me. I want for him to see how his actions caused heartache, pain, and suffering. Instead, he changes his behaviors to try to reap what he wants from me. He has a list mentality, "if I do these things, then I can expect this is return...". That just hurts me more. Sweeping away the reality of what has harmed and exchanging it for just striving to show how good he is only serves to hurt me more.Sometimes what feels like blame is a wishing that someone would own their actions.
I take responsibility for where we are right now. He does not. I am making choices. I am moving on. Very slowly...but, still, moving. Not stagnant. Not staying in the rut. Choosing truth.
Truth is truth? Right? Why does it seem to be so different for different people? Because we all look at it from our perspective. From our own life experience. Makes it difficult to keep it.....true. ;)
But if we seek Him, we will find Him....and He IS truth.
I am not claiming to have more truth than my husband. I just know this.....living as we have is a lie. And as for me, I am turning away from the lie. Don't know what God really thinks about relationships. Just have glimpses in His word. But there is a bedrock of truth that seems to show me that relationships are more than a legal matter. More even than just a sticking around matter. They are Jonathan and David. They are Paul and Timothy. They are Jesus and the Church. They have a special bonding. It's not simple willpower.
I know this kind of relationship. I am capable of it. I don't know if he does. If he has ever had it, I am unaware of it. Because he is about him. I told him once that he is the most selfish person I have ever known. I think it is perhaps true. Well, at least known well. And, I've known some doozies. He's so selfish he doesn't even know that it's selfish. Lives life thinking that it should be good for him because he's a good guy. Doesn't comfort. Well, not us. Maybe others. I could ask around. Doesn't empathize.
I don't need to blame. Blame solves nothing. What I long for is that he would take responsibility. Not that it would change my attitude at this point. Not take it to gain anything. Just because.....it would be right.
grace to you.
I take responsibility for where we are right now. He does not. I am making choices. I am moving on. Very slowly...but, still, moving. Not stagnant. Not staying in the rut. Choosing truth.
Truth is truth? Right? Why does it seem to be so different for different people? Because we all look at it from our perspective. From our own life experience. Makes it difficult to keep it.....true. ;)
But if we seek Him, we will find Him....and He IS truth.
I am not claiming to have more truth than my husband. I just know this.....living as we have is a lie. And as for me, I am turning away from the lie. Don't know what God really thinks about relationships. Just have glimpses in His word. But there is a bedrock of truth that seems to show me that relationships are more than a legal matter. More even than just a sticking around matter. They are Jonathan and David. They are Paul and Timothy. They are Jesus and the Church. They have a special bonding. It's not simple willpower.
I know this kind of relationship. I am capable of it. I don't know if he does. If he has ever had it, I am unaware of it. Because he is about him. I told him once that he is the most selfish person I have ever known. I think it is perhaps true. Well, at least known well. And, I've known some doozies. He's so selfish he doesn't even know that it's selfish. Lives life thinking that it should be good for him because he's a good guy. Doesn't comfort. Well, not us. Maybe others. I could ask around. Doesn't empathize.
I don't need to blame. Blame solves nothing. What I long for is that he would take responsibility. Not that it would change my attitude at this point. Not take it to gain anything. Just because.....it would be right.
grace to you.
Death or Divorce
Seriously, there are more people in the christian world who would support me if my husband died than if we got divorced. This blows my mind. I would be ok. A widow. Though, upon his death, nothing in our relationship would be any better than if we were to get divorced. Nothing would have been made right or good. Somehow it just feels pretty awful. Like the only out is if someone has some fatal disease or accident. Wow. I don't think that is what God intended. I think that marriage isn't supposed to be like this where you just hope for some way out. I think true marriage is full of a lot of good. That takes you til death...and then, is still with you.
Whatever it is that makes that...it's more than just simply commitment to staying in the same house. It is putting another's welfare, joy and well being above your own. And it doesn't work one way. For a time, it's fine. But, as a lifestyle, it's a dead end.
So, here I find myself, married, but not really. I've never known what it is to be cherished. I've truly tried to encourage him, cheerlead, compliment, believe in....you know, all of the how to make a good marriage hints? I have REALLY tried. And the biggest one of all.....prayed. Asked God to help me change. To be a better wife. That he would find me favorable. But, he doesn't. And, fake isn't good enough. It does not fill. It tears down. It destroys my sense of value.
So, I waited all of those years for a "good christian man" and I "saved myself" for marriage. And now I think that I did what the rules were but I missed something. I missed the fact that he has to come alongside as well. He has to leave his family as well. He has to choose to make a life as well.
And, some say that I just have to keep waiting. I guess that's where the until death part comes into their minds. Well, death is separating us. Death of myself. We did come together...but his idea of us being one is to be HIM. So, I slowly died. And, that death has separated us. Because it's impossible for me to become him. To be him. And it's certainly impossible for me to please him
So. Divorce is a death. Not looking for loopholes...I don't need them. I get to decide. God gave me freewill. He gave me a mind. He rules in my life. He leads and guides.
As far as I'm concerned...we are already done. He still just isn't willing to put the smelly corpse in the ground.
Some people tell me that he might change. For his sake, I hope so. But, not interested. Done. Too much hurt done to me and too little caring about it. I just want away so that I don't go the way of hate. Because I don't hate...yet. Angry. Disappointed. Pained. Distraught. Hurt. Heartbroken. But, hate will come if he continues this. I am at the end of it being ok. Of hoping to stay with him.
I hope day and night to be separated. That's pretty much done...doncha' think?
grace to you.
Whatever it is that makes that...it's more than just simply commitment to staying in the same house. It is putting another's welfare, joy and well being above your own. And it doesn't work one way. For a time, it's fine. But, as a lifestyle, it's a dead end.
So, here I find myself, married, but not really. I've never known what it is to be cherished. I've truly tried to encourage him, cheerlead, compliment, believe in....you know, all of the how to make a good marriage hints? I have REALLY tried. And the biggest one of all.....prayed. Asked God to help me change. To be a better wife. That he would find me favorable. But, he doesn't. And, fake isn't good enough. It does not fill. It tears down. It destroys my sense of value.
So, I waited all of those years for a "good christian man" and I "saved myself" for marriage. And now I think that I did what the rules were but I missed something. I missed the fact that he has to come alongside as well. He has to leave his family as well. He has to choose to make a life as well.
And, some say that I just have to keep waiting. I guess that's where the until death part comes into their minds. Well, death is separating us. Death of myself. We did come together...but his idea of us being one is to be HIM. So, I slowly died. And, that death has separated us. Because it's impossible for me to become him. To be him. And it's certainly impossible for me to please him
So. Divorce is a death. Not looking for loopholes...I don't need them. I get to decide. God gave me freewill. He gave me a mind. He rules in my life. He leads and guides.
As far as I'm concerned...we are already done. He still just isn't willing to put the smelly corpse in the ground.
Some people tell me that he might change. For his sake, I hope so. But, not interested. Done. Too much hurt done to me and too little caring about it. I just want away so that I don't go the way of hate. Because I don't hate...yet. Angry. Disappointed. Pained. Distraught. Hurt. Heartbroken. But, hate will come if he continues this. I am at the end of it being ok. Of hoping to stay with him.
I hope day and night to be separated. That's pretty much done...doncha' think?
grace to you.
Butt Heads
I know, it's not a very nice title. But, it beat "Jackasses", soI'm improving. There are some people in life who simply are mean. Some of them seem like it from the very beginning...others...it takes awhile before you get what it is that makes you feel really uncomfortable.
Right now I'm getting the "I love you, can I do anything?" moment of life. It will not last, it is not the norm. I cannot grow to hope for it or expect it. Because soon...it'll be about money, about bullying, about shaming, about arguing. It's this honeymoon kind of time. You know, after the big getting things off his chest and being frustrated, then goes to nice...then the tension starts to mount again. My tension has already begun because I know the drill. The only good part is that I am not as pulled in as I used to be. I am able to hear it and not think, "oh, I have to do this or reciprocate or whatever." Because it's just a process. To get to an end. I am so over that.
Butt heads are all over in the world. Sometimes you'll see me don my cap as well. But, there are people who behave like butt heads occasionally and there are who just ARE butt heads. They see only themselves. The world revolves around getting what they want. And, bullying, manipulating, misinterpreting all work together to make those around them feel crazy. Never able to figure out why things are so not right. But the strangest thing of all is that the people who love and are committed to butt heads....blame themselves, work their rears off to make the world better and right, become solvers and fixers. But no matter how hard they try...it is never "right". Yet, still, they protect and cover and speak politely about the butt head. It's really amazing.
I have to say that butt heads serve a really good purpose in my life. They remind me of who and what I want to be. And what I don't.
grace to you.
Right now I'm getting the "I love you, can I do anything?" moment of life. It will not last, it is not the norm. I cannot grow to hope for it or expect it. Because soon...it'll be about money, about bullying, about shaming, about arguing. It's this honeymoon kind of time. You know, after the big getting things off his chest and being frustrated, then goes to nice...then the tension starts to mount again. My tension has already begun because I know the drill. The only good part is that I am not as pulled in as I used to be. I am able to hear it and not think, "oh, I have to do this or reciprocate or whatever." Because it's just a process. To get to an end. I am so over that.
Butt heads are all over in the world. Sometimes you'll see me don my cap as well. But, there are people who behave like butt heads occasionally and there are who just ARE butt heads. They see only themselves. The world revolves around getting what they want. And, bullying, manipulating, misinterpreting all work together to make those around them feel crazy. Never able to figure out why things are so not right. But the strangest thing of all is that the people who love and are committed to butt heads....blame themselves, work their rears off to make the world better and right, become solvers and fixers. But no matter how hard they try...it is never "right". Yet, still, they protect and cover and speak politely about the butt head. It's really amazing.
I have to say that butt heads serve a really good purpose in my life. They remind me of who and what I want to be. And what I don't.
grace to you.
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