I finally have a bed to sleep on. It is in what will be my own room. After over three hours of cleaning and moving furniture....although much of the room is still in disarray....I have a bed to sleep on. A nightstand with roses on it. My clothes in my room. Though....chaotic still. And I brought home a bottle of wine to ease the trouble and pain of working on this....and drank not a drop. Didn't even break it open.
And I worked forever to find sheets and pillow cases and blankets that I don't associate with being married. And I set up an ancient trundle bed that was old when I was a child and slept on it at my grandparents. And I also slept on it as a young adult. I was so sad when they got me a regular twin bed in the middle of my college years. But, here I am again, on my narrow little bed. With pretty lace and white covers. Sheets that my grandma made for it.
And guess what? I put on a nightie tonight. Yep. Not sleeping in clothes. And amazingly, I had to find my keys right before I went to bed.
Of course, there were the difficult things that he left in his dresser drawers. And nightstand. I dumped the nightstand drawer into a desk. Moved it out of my room. The other things will get burned. Yeah, sexy stuff......given by people from his parent's church before we got married. I would have been ok with him getting rid of them...but he left those for me.
He texted a couple of hours later and apologized for leaving it a mess. And it was. But really....I want to clean and renew it anyway. So, oh well. Made it through a hard day. It was really hard.
Had to have a review of why separating this morning. And then, move on to what is my plan for the future and us. It was a long time. Finally I said that I was going out and he should get started.
Hadn't slept in the night. Still have trouble sleeping after that December incident. And he was up late. Hearing footsteps is hard on me. That night I slept until he was right beside me. Somehow my brain doesn't ever want that to happen again. So...it has been super vigilant ever since then. Unfortunately, that causes bad dreams as well. Not to mention headaches. So, nights have pretty much sucked for quite awhile. I don't know how long it will take to relax. But I do know that I smiled tonight. I puttered and scrubbed. I was sssoooo tired and yet I wanted to work. It was just what I needed to get settled in. To start new. To let go of what was and put in something new. I didn't finish or even come close. But I have a little corner of the room. That's progress.
And earlier today....the coolest thing happened. I was pretty much on my last leg. Praying just to make it. Head killing me. Stressed from the morning AND lack of sleep. Seeing a time within every hour all night long is not a good thing. Hurting for my kids. Feeling misplaced and like I didn't have anywhere to just let down. Then a friend asked if I wanted to go look for a barn sale that she had seen the sign for. That perked me up. We didn't find it out on those country roads...it was late afternoon and we think it was closed. But, she didn't head home. She headed out another country road. And suddenly I realized that we were driving up to a place that I used to go to have some down time years ago. A little lake across the street from a cute little church. It's a beautiful spot. She offered that I could go relax by the water. But, I'd been cold all day...stress ya know....so, we sat in the car with the windows down to hear the birds and feel the air. The sun was blazing into the window. And for the first time in a very long time...my body relaxed. I felt it happen. Felt the inhale. She was quiet. Perhaps dozing. I was sleepy but just enjoying not having a headache and feeling warm and comfortable. She gifted me with the perfect moment. It was such a blessing.
Glad it happened...because it was hard to go back to a house that was pulled apart. To have little energy and know that there is so much to do. But then I got started and realized that the afternoon had bolstered my hope.
And now I have a little bed. All mine. With jammies. And a door that closes. It's pretty wonderful.
blessings.
And I worked forever to find sheets and pillow cases and blankets that I don't associate with being married. And I set up an ancient trundle bed that was old when I was a child and slept on it at my grandparents. And I also slept on it as a young adult. I was so sad when they got me a regular twin bed in the middle of my college years. But, here I am again, on my narrow little bed. With pretty lace and white covers. Sheets that my grandma made for it.
And guess what? I put on a nightie tonight. Yep. Not sleeping in clothes. And amazingly, I had to find my keys right before I went to bed.
Of course, there were the difficult things that he left in his dresser drawers. And nightstand. I dumped the nightstand drawer into a desk. Moved it out of my room. The other things will get burned. Yeah, sexy stuff......given by people from his parent's church before we got married. I would have been ok with him getting rid of them...but he left those for me.
He texted a couple of hours later and apologized for leaving it a mess. And it was. But really....I want to clean and renew it anyway. So, oh well. Made it through a hard day. It was really hard.
Had to have a review of why separating this morning. And then, move on to what is my plan for the future and us. It was a long time. Finally I said that I was going out and he should get started.
Hadn't slept in the night. Still have trouble sleeping after that December incident. And he was up late. Hearing footsteps is hard on me. That night I slept until he was right beside me. Somehow my brain doesn't ever want that to happen again. So...it has been super vigilant ever since then. Unfortunately, that causes bad dreams as well. Not to mention headaches. So, nights have pretty much sucked for quite awhile. I don't know how long it will take to relax. But I do know that I smiled tonight. I puttered and scrubbed. I was sssoooo tired and yet I wanted to work. It was just what I needed to get settled in. To start new. To let go of what was and put in something new. I didn't finish or even come close. But I have a little corner of the room. That's progress.
And earlier today....the coolest thing happened. I was pretty much on my last leg. Praying just to make it. Head killing me. Stressed from the morning AND lack of sleep. Seeing a time within every hour all night long is not a good thing. Hurting for my kids. Feeling misplaced and like I didn't have anywhere to just let down. Then a friend asked if I wanted to go look for a barn sale that she had seen the sign for. That perked me up. We didn't find it out on those country roads...it was late afternoon and we think it was closed. But, she didn't head home. She headed out another country road. And suddenly I realized that we were driving up to a place that I used to go to have some down time years ago. A little lake across the street from a cute little church. It's a beautiful spot. She offered that I could go relax by the water. But, I'd been cold all day...stress ya know....so, we sat in the car with the windows down to hear the birds and feel the air. The sun was blazing into the window. And for the first time in a very long time...my body relaxed. I felt it happen. Felt the inhale. She was quiet. Perhaps dozing. I was sleepy but just enjoying not having a headache and feeling warm and comfortable. She gifted me with the perfect moment. It was such a blessing.
Glad it happened...because it was hard to go back to a house that was pulled apart. To have little energy and know that there is so much to do. But then I got started and realized that the afternoon had bolstered my hope.
And now I have a little bed. All mine. With jammies. And a door that closes. It's pretty wonderful.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.